So my path has gone off in another direction. Currently, I feel as if I spend my time counting up the days, I will miss the day! It's hard for me to let "things" go. Beliefs. Ideas. Emotions. Habits. All, once realized no longer fit me or my situation, are surprisingly difficult to let go. My nasty little mind says is I am a "quitter", a "baby", a "weakling", "worthless". What misery. So I live miserable in limbo until the misery is too great to withstand. I have loved this quote by Aldo Carotenuto since I first read it a year ago "Ambiguity has a destabilzing effect ... very few have the courage or the strength to hold the tension between opposites until a completely new standpoint emerges. This is because in acknowledging contradictory truths, one has to create an inner equilibrium to keep from being torn in two" and one hopes that the center will hold as opposed to Yeats end of the world poem. It holds as long as hope shall last. Hope that I am moving on to something better? But to hope into the unknown... That's some scary shit! Perhaps, I'm not so profound after all, you may be thinking, but I like keeping it real.
So where am I? I am practicing yoga and not just the hatha hot room kind either. I am practicing yoga in my daily life, in my choices, in my vision, in my meditation, in my eating, in my sleeping, in my rest, in my creativity, in my relationships, in my EVERYTHING. And just like in the hot room - sometimes is goes great and sometimes well, not. Either way, it does not matter. It is in the doing that is the delight. Or at least, this is what I am working towards.
It became clear to me that blogging about every yoga class in such a regimented way was taking away from my delight in doing which is not my purpose. It was forcing my mind to analyze and in many ways it colored in my experience for me even before I even had an experience. I think in many ways those doing the Bikram training are encouraged not to write blogs about their experience, because it forces process where there is none to be had. Not that there isn't a process but perhaps it is not the mind analysis with which we are so familiar. Change is the only thing constant and even that is not something I can "hold on to" and I vascillate between scrambling for dear life for a foothold and jumping off the ledge.
It no longer really matters to me how many yoga classes I got to in a week or year because I am constantly practicing yoga. I still do my best to at least show up in the hot room twice a week. See how difficult it is to let go??? Why must I count and show and tell? I vascillate. Maybe I will do a yoga challenge again some time, maybe not. Maybe I will just do it and not tell anyone, even myself! Maybe I will just follow joy in my life. Maybe I will meditate more. Unknown.
ANYWAYS (my favorite word), the original point of this blog is kind of obsolete now. I am going to change the intro a little and keep it up and write here and there when I feel a revelation needs broadcasting.
All the best to everyone. Namaste.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
124/251: Subtle.
Had my first class last night after I think 2.5 weeks off. No major events. Clean practice and good for my spine which loved a good back and forward bend. No improvement on my achilles but it didn't kill me and I was able to stay standing and adjust depth for my current state of affairs. Standing on one foot is so hard right now. Patience.
I'm feeling these days like the benefits for me are not there though I know they are. Everything is much more subtle at this stage of the game. The healing is deeper and not as surface. The yoga is working on other aspects of life which are more apparent. How I miss those days of high after a first class back or better yet 3 in a row. Ok - well ciao for now. Busy at work these days so not as much time to write. Going to the 5:30 class after work. Looking forward to a chill Friday afer work class.
I'm feeling these days like the benefits for me are not there though I know they are. Everything is much more subtle at this stage of the game. The healing is deeper and not as surface. The yoga is working on other aspects of life which are more apparent. How I miss those days of high after a first class back or better yet 3 in a row. Ok - well ciao for now. Busy at work these days so not as much time to write. Going to the 5:30 class after work. Looking forward to a chill Friday afer work class.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Under construction...
I'm on a hiatus from vacation and begin vacation part two later tonight. I haven't had a hot yoga class in over a week and just on Wednesday had a tinge of maybe I'd like to take one. I miss activity and exercise all together! We went to a yoga dance class Tuesday night that was just a blast. Worked up quite a bit of sweat too. Anyway, I'm back out tonight for apple-picking, swimming and more R&R. I am re-evaluating how important rest is and how important it is to avoid repetition for me. Life is chaos - it's best to get on with it, get used to it and be at peace within that chaos. I rely on too many things outside of me for happiness. Enough for now, I'm working on things broken in me... I guess you could say I have a huge under-construction sign posted on my fore-head.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
123/235: Honoring myself and my practice
My newest mantra is "I honor myself and my practice". It's hard to beat myself up, to go beyond what I should, AND the opposite - not do enough - when I say this to myself. It's also difficult to to be anywhere but in the present when I say this to myself. Another day of yoga in the zone. I'm feeling stronger.
The achilles is a bit sore today and achey. Gotta get the ice out. Grr. No yoga tonight - plain old rainy night at home. 5 o'clock can't come soon enough.
Nama ....zzzz.....
The achilles is a bit sore today and achey. Gotta get the ice out. Grr. No yoga tonight - plain old rainy night at home. 5 o'clock can't come soon enough.
Nama ....zzzz.....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
122/234: In the zone.
Last night's practice was really just in the zone. I went in with the mindset to just honor myself and my practice. For whatever reason, I just was in the moment the entire class. It felt good.
Gotta love the good days and just say thank you.
Gotta love the good days and just say thank you.
Friday, August 20, 2010
122/230: Crocodiles, Sharks and Teradactyls! ANYWAY...
You're wondering what the...? OK, "BEAR" with me. Hee, hee.
One of the things you may or may not know about me is that I've lost 75 pounds over the past two years. Yippee. Woohoo. Cartwheels. Okay whatever. Get over it. I am still 25 pounds from my goal. Here's the thing. I could continue to beat my body into submission, go to extremes, even punish it with repetitive use causing additional tendonitis but that's not what I started this all for. I started this all for health and wellness and the kind that lasts forever so hence a healthy lifestyle. I've been "working" on finding balance through including more REST in my life. Not so easy for someone who is afraid of being "LAZY" due to various childhood upbringing craziness. Despite doing all this, I still ended up with achilles tendonitis but that's neither here nor there because it is a blessing in disguise as it is a fabulous forced teaching tool for me. ANYWAY... point is that I am not willing to go down the dark path for some set "goal" to get the results. I'll the path less traveled but not the one that berates me and beats me to a pulp. I've learned better.
So now what? I'm reading this book on weight loss recommended on a yoga forum that appealed to me in its concept of the body knowing how to do this without me getting in the way. Without charts and schedules and calculations and all that exacting stuff we think about when setting ourselves upon yet another weight loss/exercise miracle solution. Two things so far from this book have struck a chord with me. 1) The author presents the question "Do I feel safe being thin?" and 2) When you introduce the stresses to your body that make it believe it needs to thin in order to survive the weight loss battle has been one - "get thin or get eaten" concept.
1) Do I feel safe being thin? Nope. I still can't believe after 75 pounds gone my answer is no. But alas, losing the last 25 pounds in my head has the tiniest tinge of lack of safety. That layer of fat around my tummy, thighs and butt is my little security blanky. From what am I trying to keep secure from and how can I address this? So in Monkey mind the following is going on and below are some better "solutions":
a) In my monkey mind, it saves this blonde haired, blue eyed, "well-rounded" desirable female from being a target of EVERY crazy on the street.
Did you "BEAR" with me? On the opposite side of the spectrum from rest and forgiveness there is the other side to weight loss. The first time I gained "weight" in my life was when I was 8 years old and there was an incredibly stressful situation in my family that caused turmoil. I am not going to get into it because it is not my right to tell the story to the public but suffice to say somewhere in that experience my mind decided it would be safer to not be thin like my sister. I can remember clearly a discussion at the dinner table where my father was saying how you have to put on your winter fat like a bear and of course it was a meal of steak and mashed potatoes which I wasn't remotely interested in eating at the time but to please the ol' man who made a game out of eating rather than yelling and throwing things as usual, I ate. I think something in the brain turned on and said - this is safe. Put is all together and somewhere there I became someone I didn't need to be in order to be safe.
Skip a few years later and in junior high I had an experience where I got picked on in junior high at softball. I was so scared to get beat up the following season that I worked really hard all year to be so good that no one could claim I was playing because I was the coaches daughter. GET THIN OR GET EATEN worked. That was the last time I was in the shape of my life. I wasn't necessarily healthy about it though. Frankly, I was on the verge of eating disorder. Barely ate, exercised excessively. Turned out the girls I were afraid of weren't even there! ANYWAY, point is the concept did work and my body got the signal and so did the brain, etc though in the future I know to be a little healthier and loving with my choices.
So, how to apply the get thin or get eaten concept to my current situation? I had fun in yoga last night. I pretended like every time I was in the posture that I had to do that posture the best I could for the moment and hold it as long as I could so that the crocodiles, or sharks or even TERADACTYLS wouldn't get me. The body doesn't know the difference between made-up threats and real ones so I went wild. Oh, don't fall out of standing head to knee or the crocodile will get you!!!! It was fun. The rest periods in between (savasana) became "ah, I'm safe for now! but next time I need to be in better shape so ... " You get the drift.
ANYWAY... I think that is my word. You know my Eat Pray Love word for myself. I use it all the time in my blogs and in daily life. I used to think it was just an easy way to change the subject or sum it up but when I think about its deeper meaning... ANY ... WAY it really says a lot about me. I want to be able to do things ANY way. I want to go in multiple directions. I don't want to be pinned down into one category. I have multiple circles of friends and I like it that way. I have lots of big ideas and dreams and don't mind and prefer to follow them all even if it means I don't SUCCEED. When I order from a menu, I always want to personalize it in some way because I'd like for the menu to be ANY WAY I like it. I want options open. I am equally open to options. I am ANY WAY I like it to be moment to moment. There is more to me than I can even imagine and no limit. I am ANY WAY.
:)
One of the things you may or may not know about me is that I've lost 75 pounds over the past two years. Yippee. Woohoo. Cartwheels. Okay whatever. Get over it. I am still 25 pounds from my goal. Here's the thing. I could continue to beat my body into submission, go to extremes, even punish it with repetitive use causing additional tendonitis but that's not what I started this all for. I started this all for health and wellness and the kind that lasts forever so hence a healthy lifestyle. I've been "working" on finding balance through including more REST in my life. Not so easy for someone who is afraid of being "LAZY" due to various childhood upbringing craziness. Despite doing all this, I still ended up with achilles tendonitis but that's neither here nor there because it is a blessing in disguise as it is a fabulous forced teaching tool for me. ANYWAY... point is that I am not willing to go down the dark path for some set "goal" to get the results. I'll the path less traveled but not the one that berates me and beats me to a pulp. I've learned better.
So now what? I'm reading this book on weight loss recommended on a yoga forum that appealed to me in its concept of the body knowing how to do this without me getting in the way. Without charts and schedules and calculations and all that exacting stuff we think about when setting ourselves upon yet another weight loss/exercise miracle solution. Two things so far from this book have struck a chord with me. 1) The author presents the question "Do I feel safe being thin?" and 2) When you introduce the stresses to your body that make it believe it needs to thin in order to survive the weight loss battle has been one - "get thin or get eaten" concept.
1) Do I feel safe being thin? Nope. I still can't believe after 75 pounds gone my answer is no. But alas, losing the last 25 pounds in my head has the tiniest tinge of lack of safety. That layer of fat around my tummy, thighs and butt is my little security blanky. From what am I trying to keep secure from and how can I address this? So in Monkey mind the following is going on and below are some better "solutions":
a) In my monkey mind, it saves this blonde haired, blue eyed, "well-rounded" desirable female from being a target of EVERY crazy on the street.
- Even at 220 pounds and overweight I still had those crazies so I might as well be strong, balanced and healthy with peace of mind to better fend them off... It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
- A strong abs and core (already there) doesn't need that layer of fat to protect me. If I didn't have all this extra baggage and peace of mind, it would be easier to move out of the way next time and avoid the situation. It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
- I don't need an excuse to rest or not to rest. Rest is something everyone deserves and needs and at their own specifications not designated by anyone else. Rest is a part of a well-balanced, healthy life-style and in fact is needed in order to be thin and is never anything to feel guilty about. Rest allows me to move faster, feel vibrant and alive and more likely to be safe and survive whatever comes my way. My mother wasn't lazy, neither am I and neither was my father. We all were exactly what we needed to be at the moment. Laziness and rest are two separate things. I'm not afraid of being lazy any more and don't need to keep myself constantly busy in order to be safe. I don't need a big butt for an excuse to keep busy, I freely choose how active I am and the needed rest for my body, mind and soul. IN FACT, it would be safer to be thin with a well-rested and rejuvenated healthy and ideal body. A healthy and SAFE lifestyle includes rest in the moment (without guilt or a thought to what I "should" be doing).
- Hiding my true beauty is like trying to hide the light of GOD or the beauty of nature away from the rest of the world. How disgusting is that? There's nothing egotistic about knowing yourself especially when you realize the beauty in everyone and how we are all connected. And as far as running away like a wild child with the wrong guy - I KNOW better. I deserve someone who treats me well and I trust my true love is my husband. The only temptation left is God. My husband can live with that temptation AND I will be more apt to accept and appreciate his love if I am safe. ANYWAY... It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
- I accept where I came from and the path I've taken to get where I am today. I accept the mistakes I might make in the future, the falls and detours I might make along the way. I live in the moment and in the now moment I have nothing to be ashamed of. IN fact, I would be less likely to be ashamed if I felt safe being who I am. It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
Did you "BEAR" with me? On the opposite side of the spectrum from rest and forgiveness there is the other side to weight loss. The first time I gained "weight" in my life was when I was 8 years old and there was an incredibly stressful situation in my family that caused turmoil. I am not going to get into it because it is not my right to tell the story to the public but suffice to say somewhere in that experience my mind decided it would be safer to not be thin like my sister. I can remember clearly a discussion at the dinner table where my father was saying how you have to put on your winter fat like a bear and of course it was a meal of steak and mashed potatoes which I wasn't remotely interested in eating at the time but to please the ol' man who made a game out of eating rather than yelling and throwing things as usual, I ate. I think something in the brain turned on and said - this is safe. Put is all together and somewhere there I became someone I didn't need to be in order to be safe.
Skip a few years later and in junior high I had an experience where I got picked on in junior high at softball. I was so scared to get beat up the following season that I worked really hard all year to be so good that no one could claim I was playing because I was the coaches daughter. GET THIN OR GET EATEN worked. That was the last time I was in the shape of my life. I wasn't necessarily healthy about it though. Frankly, I was on the verge of eating disorder. Barely ate, exercised excessively. Turned out the girls I were afraid of weren't even there! ANYWAY, point is the concept did work and my body got the signal and so did the brain, etc though in the future I know to be a little healthier and loving with my choices.
So, how to apply the get thin or get eaten concept to my current situation? I had fun in yoga last night. I pretended like every time I was in the posture that I had to do that posture the best I could for the moment and hold it as long as I could so that the crocodiles, or sharks or even TERADACTYLS wouldn't get me. The body doesn't know the difference between made-up threats and real ones so I went wild. Oh, don't fall out of standing head to knee or the crocodile will get you!!!! It was fun. The rest periods in between (savasana) became "ah, I'm safe for now! but next time I need to be in better shape so ... " You get the drift.
ANYWAY... I think that is my word. You know my Eat Pray Love word for myself. I use it all the time in my blogs and in daily life. I used to think it was just an easy way to change the subject or sum it up but when I think about its deeper meaning... ANY ... WAY it really says a lot about me. I want to be able to do things ANY way. I want to go in multiple directions. I don't want to be pinned down into one category. I have multiple circles of friends and I like it that way. I have lots of big ideas and dreams and don't mind and prefer to follow them all even if it means I don't SUCCEED. When I order from a menu, I always want to personalize it in some way because I'd like for the menu to be ANY WAY I like it. I want options open. I am equally open to options. I am ANY WAY I like it to be moment to moment. There is more to me than I can even imagine and no limit. I am ANY WAY.
:)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
121/229: I'm a traitor so be it. :)
I went to another style of yoga tonight. It felt good to stretch. It felt good to take a yoga class that wasn't about contraction of the muscles the entire time. My husband even went and practiced next to me. It's so nice to do something together other than watch movies and eat and ya know... Anyway, well we both slept like little babies last night after our lovely gentle yoga class together. So there. I'd rather cheat on bikram yoga than my husband.
I'm exploring balance. Off to Bikram today followed by cleaning. Boring blog but in the books.
I'm exploring balance. Off to Bikram today followed by cleaning. Boring blog but in the books.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
120/227: Welcome to my laboratory... cackle, cackle, cackle
A little bit of silliness for this morning. Yoga has become this laboratory - the Great Experiment of life. I'm looking at it these days in that way. I guess that's why yoga is everything. I miss the good ol' days when I could push myself, set up a routine, make lists, and be strict, have expectations, deadlines, and unrealistic goals. The universe will not let me anymore especially when I know these things aren't good for me... right now or maybe never... or maybe in limited use in the future??? All that is important is that I learn to love myself in the best way possible. Anything can be used as a weapon for hurt even the most benign things like routines and lists so I tread carefully now experimenting with constantly asking myself "is this a loving way to treat myself" AND trusting that whatever works for now is the right way for now. I am learning to trust one foot in front of the other. All of which is relative and ever-constantly changing. Staying in the present is difficult. What presently do I decide to do, think, feel? Not about things in the past and not about things in the future. Just for now. Whew.
I used to ask questions like "will doing this get me to my goal"? I lived by this question and honestly that deck of cards has just fallen down everytime because what will the goal be tomorrow? Will it even be there when you get there? Will YOU even get there? What goal can you come up with that is more important than loving yourself today and in every moment? I can't think of one goal more important. Not weight loss, not making money, finding a rewarding career, having children, saving the whales, world peace... all of these things are results born of loving ourselves in each moment. I'm starting to think of them as connections along the way rather than destinations and things to achieve. It's seen quite often that people make goals for themselves and once they get there, find they aren't fulfilled, like so what? Why did I do this and for what? However, I can't imagine ever having those type of disappointing questions if one acts each moment out in love for themselves. To thine own self be true... and be love.
I used to ask questions like "will doing this get me to my goal"? I lived by this question and honestly that deck of cards has just fallen down everytime because what will the goal be tomorrow? Will it even be there when you get there? Will YOU even get there? What goal can you come up with that is more important than loving yourself today and in every moment? I can't think of one goal more important. Not weight loss, not making money, finding a rewarding career, having children, saving the whales, world peace... all of these things are results born of loving ourselves in each moment. I'm starting to think of them as connections along the way rather than destinations and things to achieve. It's seen quite often that people make goals for themselves and once they get there, find they aren't fulfilled, like so what? Why did I do this and for what? However, I can't imagine ever having those type of disappointing questions if one acts each moment out in love for themselves. To thine own self be true... and be love.
Monday, August 16, 2010
117-119/219/222/226: Made it out of the wilderness
Last week, it felt like I was lost in the wilderness. I didn't make great decisions, was swallowed by indecision, swamped at work, letting it get to me and using old coping mechanisms. I just was not thinking rightly. I struggled with my body and the achilles tendonitis was worse than it has been but I admit that how you think about a health condition does make it worse or better depending. I rested as much as possible. I got depressed.
I went to see Eat, Pray, Love Friday night along with every other female in Boston though I must say they were all excessively PERFUMEINNATED - a new word. Ladies, really, when going out with your gal pals you DO NOT need to wear an entire bottle of your strongest perfume. The movie was sold out with only 2 men in attendance. Lots of estrogen in the room. It was strange going by myself with everyone dressed in their Friday night get-up and imitating the clothes from the movie particularly from when she's in India. I don't know why I just thought this was silly to me. I guess I've just got my own style these days and to alter from my own style for anything seems weird. It actually was a great movie to see by myself and I walked away feeling like the experience was another wrench in the transformation wilderness. The liked the use of the word attraversiamo (to cross over) and how it was used at the end after Ketut's line "sometimes... to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life" in which case she realizes that her word is attraversiamo and that she is ready to crossover into a relationship with Felipe. Having one word that sums you up is difficult and frankly I'm one of those girls still in search of one. Maybe it is seeker but the Italian phrase used in the movie "dolce far niente" - the sweetness of doing nothing is a highly appealing concept and allowing myself to rest has been my summer theme though most of the time I fail miserably and have a constant dialogue in my head of "shoulds" while I am "Resting" though I am coming to terms with it. So with all this percolating in my head, I scootered away at first feeling very uplifted and happy and then started crying because uck - where am I, who am I, why am I here, and I want freedom. That's the gist. I'm an emotional girl - maybe I "should" be Italian! LOL.
The next day it was a lovely morning and I woke up deciding I really wanted to drop everything and go to the beach. My husband needs coaxing for this for whatever reason and we ended up going for breakfast and leaving rather late for a beach day particularly one where I insisted we must have a change of scenery and drive somewhere we've never been before. Inspired by the traveling in the night's previous movie I suppose. We finally got to one after oodles of traffic and detours, parked, settled down and then tide came in so we had to move. Then couldn't find parking at the other bigger beaches so ended up going home and went to our usual Southie beach which frankly was better anyway, just doesn't really have lapping waves like the one we drove to but you really couldn't hear them anyway over the annoying teenagers next to us fighting over something not sure what. Ugh! Anyway on the ride back to Southie, I had a meltdown. Just crying and not sure really why. I considered the time and getting back in time to make it to a yoga class where frankly all I could think about was killing myself in the mirror. The idea of being really mean to myself in the mirror and pushing myself beyond my limits so I could prove myself a failure was incredibly appealing. I warned you that I wasn't thinking rightly. I am so glad my husband veered towards the Southie beach rather than towards home or I would have ended up doing that. Instead, I settled down and both of us remarked at how actually - our beach in our back yard does the trick. I realized laying on our blanket how easy it is to use anything to punish myself. Even the healthiest things such as walking, healthy eating (did you know there is a named disorder on obsession with healthy eating) and yes, even YOGA can be used as a weapon. It explains how I have developed achilles tendonitis. Anyway, realizing one's flaws in thinking is the first step and frankly this percolating thought was the first step on the path out of the wilderness.
More movie fest continued the rest of the night and into the next morning. Rather than meditate in the afternoon (why do I avoid this and procrastinate?), I decided to watch another movie but thought hey let's at least see if I can find one about yoga. I ended up watching Enlighten Up which is a documentary about this writer who follows a subject's journey exploring yoga for a year. I liked it and it was incredibly interesting to hear this novice talk about yoga and ask questions of some of these gurus. I was most impressed with Swami Gurusharanananda and of course BKS Iyengar. Visually I loved that as he was leaving India there was a shot of him with a sign at the airport behind him that said "leave nothing behind." Though I'm pretty sure it wasn't intentional, it struck a chord with me. What does it mean to leave nothing behind in your practice? As we peel off the layers, what are willing to leave behind?
I went to see Eat, Pray, Love Friday night along with every other female in Boston though I must say they were all excessively PERFUMEINNATED - a new word. Ladies, really, when going out with your gal pals you DO NOT need to wear an entire bottle of your strongest perfume. The movie was sold out with only 2 men in attendance. Lots of estrogen in the room. It was strange going by myself with everyone dressed in their Friday night get-up and imitating the clothes from the movie particularly from when she's in India. I don't know why I just thought this was silly to me. I guess I've just got my own style these days and to alter from my own style for anything seems weird. It actually was a great movie to see by myself and I walked away feeling like the experience was another wrench in the transformation wilderness. The liked the use of the word attraversiamo (to cross over) and how it was used at the end after Ketut's line "sometimes... to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life" in which case she realizes that her word is attraversiamo and that she is ready to crossover into a relationship with Felipe. Having one word that sums you up is difficult and frankly I'm one of those girls still in search of one. Maybe it is seeker but the Italian phrase used in the movie "dolce far niente" - the sweetness of doing nothing is a highly appealing concept and allowing myself to rest has been my summer theme though most of the time I fail miserably and have a constant dialogue in my head of "shoulds" while I am "Resting" though I am coming to terms with it. So with all this percolating in my head, I scootered away at first feeling very uplifted and happy and then started crying because uck - where am I, who am I, why am I here, and I want freedom. That's the gist. I'm an emotional girl - maybe I "should" be Italian! LOL.
The next day it was a lovely morning and I woke up deciding I really wanted to drop everything and go to the beach. My husband needs coaxing for this for whatever reason and we ended up going for breakfast and leaving rather late for a beach day particularly one where I insisted we must have a change of scenery and drive somewhere we've never been before. Inspired by the traveling in the night's previous movie I suppose. We finally got to one after oodles of traffic and detours, parked, settled down and then tide came in so we had to move. Then couldn't find parking at the other bigger beaches so ended up going home and went to our usual Southie beach which frankly was better anyway, just doesn't really have lapping waves like the one we drove to but you really couldn't hear them anyway over the annoying teenagers next to us fighting over something not sure what. Ugh! Anyway on the ride back to Southie, I had a meltdown. Just crying and not sure really why. I considered the time and getting back in time to make it to a yoga class where frankly all I could think about was killing myself in the mirror. The idea of being really mean to myself in the mirror and pushing myself beyond my limits so I could prove myself a failure was incredibly appealing. I warned you that I wasn't thinking rightly. I am so glad my husband veered towards the Southie beach rather than towards home or I would have ended up doing that. Instead, I settled down and both of us remarked at how actually - our beach in our back yard does the trick. I realized laying on our blanket how easy it is to use anything to punish myself. Even the healthiest things such as walking, healthy eating (did you know there is a named disorder on obsession with healthy eating) and yes, even YOGA can be used as a weapon. It explains how I have developed achilles tendonitis. Anyway, realizing one's flaws in thinking is the first step and frankly this percolating thought was the first step on the path out of the wilderness.
More movie fest continued the rest of the night and into the next morning. Rather than meditate in the afternoon (why do I avoid this and procrastinate?), I decided to watch another movie but thought hey let's at least see if I can find one about yoga. I ended up watching Enlighten Up which is a documentary about this writer who follows a subject's journey exploring yoga for a year. I liked it and it was incredibly interesting to hear this novice talk about yoga and ask questions of some of these gurus. I was most impressed with Swami Gurusharanananda and of course BKS Iyengar. Visually I loved that as he was leaving India there was a shot of him with a sign at the airport behind him that said "leave nothing behind." Though I'm pretty sure it wasn't intentional, it struck a chord with me. What does it mean to leave nothing behind in your practice? As we peel off the layers, what are willing to leave behind?
Friday, August 6, 2010
116/216: Savasana is good.
Wow, has this week not turned out like expected. It just goes to show that expectations and bothering oneself with the future perhaps is not the best use of our time at the present moment. Yes, I'm reading "The Power of Now" right now. I've avoided writing this blog all day today. I'm really not sure what to say and can't quiet explain why I'm happy. Who cares, right? Happiness is so beautiful regardless of rhyme or reason. I'm happy I'm not going to yoga tonight and just resting at home yet at the same time craving to go to class. Weird. I've had such a rough week and just throwing everything up in the air and just spending time in only that which is delightful for me at the moment sounds wonderful. The old me thinks it's a waist of time and the new me says this is exactly where you are going and your life journey is this way...
I sat out a good portion of last night's class. I kept trying to get back into it in standing series and pride myself that I actually got in one good set of triangle. I thought perhaps I would at least have a good floor series because there the dizziness doesn't affect the balance. Well, my achilles started to throb after fixed firm and rather than keep fighting what my body was clearly tell me, I finally surrendered and laid in savasana until final breathing exercise. I always used to think I was such a loser or a wimp if I laid in savasana but honestly, to lay there and just let my body heal was the best thing I could ever do for myself at that moment. I could just feel the oxygenated blood circulating into the area and I sweat like crazy just laying there and breathing. Someone mentioned to me they thought I looked like a wax figure as the sweat was just beading on me. It goes to show how just breathing can create heat in the body.
Too often sometimes teachers give the guilt trip for sitting out of postures but really how do you know that's not exactly what the student needs for that moment? Sure it's "better" to get all of the postures but better is a relative term. I had all the oxygen my healing body could take for one day, just what I needed for the moment or at least what I was willing to accept for the moment. This is the key point. I must concede that I am afraid and in unchartered territory for myself. The thought that I can just enjoy a moment without thought as to the future or the past and that this has value is frighteningly wonderful to me. That each moment I can choose to do what I deem best for me at that moment regardless of outcome, expectations, situation. My god that is truly FREEDOM. "Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows." That's in my head for some reason. If anyone knows the rest of the rhyme, let me know.
I realize I am reiterating things I have been learning since January but for whatever reason it has clicked in a very real way for me. So as my one friend said to me last night, "I am thankful for my pain" and ... savasana is good.
I sat out a good portion of last night's class. I kept trying to get back into it in standing series and pride myself that I actually got in one good set of triangle. I thought perhaps I would at least have a good floor series because there the dizziness doesn't affect the balance. Well, my achilles started to throb after fixed firm and rather than keep fighting what my body was clearly tell me, I finally surrendered and laid in savasana until final breathing exercise. I always used to think I was such a loser or a wimp if I laid in savasana but honestly, to lay there and just let my body heal was the best thing I could ever do for myself at that moment. I could just feel the oxygenated blood circulating into the area and I sweat like crazy just laying there and breathing. Someone mentioned to me they thought I looked like a wax figure as the sweat was just beading on me. It goes to show how just breathing can create heat in the body.
Too often sometimes teachers give the guilt trip for sitting out of postures but really how do you know that's not exactly what the student needs for that moment? Sure it's "better" to get all of the postures but better is a relative term. I had all the oxygen my healing body could take for one day, just what I needed for the moment or at least what I was willing to accept for the moment. This is the key point. I must concede that I am afraid and in unchartered territory for myself. The thought that I can just enjoy a moment without thought as to the future or the past and that this has value is frighteningly wonderful to me. That each moment I can choose to do what I deem best for me at that moment regardless of outcome, expectations, situation. My god that is truly FREEDOM. "Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows." That's in my head for some reason. If anyone knows the rest of the rhyme, let me know.
I realize I am reiterating things I have been learning since January but for whatever reason it has clicked in a very real way for me. So as my one friend said to me last night, "I am thankful for my pain" and ... savasana is good.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
115/215: Death
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| YOGA DEATH... |
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DEATH... yes??? yes. YES. You figure it out. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around something brains aren't meant to wrap around. |
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
114/213: ... and the bottom falls out
Interesting blog title. I have been dreading writing this blog and I have been scrambling to deal with a new development in my life. I recently went to a podiatrist for my heel issue and walked away with a diagnosis that included the statement "yeah, I don't think yoga is in your best interest - regardless of style and not just for now but for ever". How can yoga not be good for me or anybody??? Well, my body the way that it is just by itself puts too much pressure on the achilles at the insertion point of the heel (where there happens to be a heel spur growing as a result of this and previous plantar fascia problems) add tight calves which also add pressure to the tendon add locking the knee which oh, by the way mine hyperextends back naturally when locked so this increases the pressure on the heel particularly when we put weight back on the heels! Grrr.........................................
I haven't given up and I am sure there are some slight modifications I can do even putting a towel under my heel or wearing some heel raising boot. There's got to be some stretches out there for my tight calves that ALSO don't put pressure on the achilles point. There's got to be some strength training for the opposing muscles so that my calves and achilles don't feel like they have to take the burden. I tried the towel under the foot last night in class and it was incredibly informative. Suddenly a whole new set of muscles needed to get to work and at the end of class in savasana it felt like my calves just started to unravel. Maybe I can change my body and my alignment so one day this isn't a problem and maybe I can do it with yoga. Maybe my old idea of these postures dones with my old body needs to change as I change my body to be in the posture - my best posture for my best body. It felt really good to write that. Or maybe a whole new door will open. It feels like the bottom has fallen out right now but that does create a doorway didn't it?
I am sure that this is for the best some how. My theme in life lately has been to surrender, embrace, accept, be in the moment and move forward. If it had not been for my yoga, I'm not sure I would be able to think and feel this way and keep this level-headed. So I've ended right side up yet once again.
I haven't given up and I am sure there are some slight modifications I can do even putting a towel under my heel or wearing some heel raising boot. There's got to be some stretches out there for my tight calves that ALSO don't put pressure on the achilles point. There's got to be some strength training for the opposing muscles so that my calves and achilles don't feel like they have to take the burden. I tried the towel under the foot last night in class and it was incredibly informative. Suddenly a whole new set of muscles needed to get to work and at the end of class in savasana it felt like my calves just started to unravel. Maybe I can change my body and my alignment so one day this isn't a problem and maybe I can do it with yoga. Maybe my old idea of these postures dones with my old body needs to change as I change my body to be in the posture - my best posture for my best body. It felt really good to write that. Or maybe a whole new door will open. It feels like the bottom has fallen out right now but that does create a doorway didn't it?
I am sure that this is for the best some how. My theme in life lately has been to surrender, embrace, accept, be in the moment and move forward. If it had not been for my yoga, I'm not sure I would be able to think and feel this way and keep this level-headed. So I've ended right side up yet once again.
Monday, August 2, 2010
113/212: Getting it done and doing homework :(
I went to yoga early yesterday because if I didn't there was no way I was going to make it. The pull to stay in the hammock and lounge around would have been too great. I tried to do a little bit of yoga in the morning before singing at church and man was I tight! I was better for the stretching with my singing but whew! I don't think I've been that tight in a really long time. I don't like 2 days off of yoga in a row. I really don't like it. One day. Yes. Two. No. Live and learn.
Anyway, I wasn't so tight in class granted it was an afternoon after singing all morning. Coaching session for the competition followed the class so I am a wee-bit sore this morning. But nothing a class tonight won't cure!
I am hoping this week to get back to doing my extra stretches. I am looking forward to doing some HOMEWORK! Before or after class in addition to running the program I will try to do 10-15 repetitions of set-ups for Standing Head to Knee (just grab the foot, lock the leg and back down THEN the same with a kick-out), Standing Bow Pulling (grab the foot and bring the arm up at the same time), Bow (just work on grabbing the feet at the same time), rabbit (grip then first part head to the floor - thumb with index finger!), stretching (lock the legs and grab the toes). Then spider (get into lotus and swing back) and shoulder stand (proper form getting in savasana with palms down, point toes over head [toenails on ground], adjust arms for shoulder stand, knees to forehead with toes pointed up, then up - reverse coming back out).
I love form and routine. Scary.
I am also starting a membership at the Y today that I got discounted a while ago so we will see what swimming feels like after class :)
Anyway, I wasn't so tight in class granted it was an afternoon after singing all morning. Coaching session for the competition followed the class so I am a wee-bit sore this morning. But nothing a class tonight won't cure!
I am hoping this week to get back to doing my extra stretches. I am looking forward to doing some HOMEWORK! Before or after class in addition to running the program I will try to do 10-15 repetitions of set-ups for Standing Head to Knee (just grab the foot, lock the leg and back down THEN the same with a kick-out), Standing Bow Pulling (grab the foot and bring the arm up at the same time), Bow (just work on grabbing the feet at the same time), rabbit (grip then first part head to the floor - thumb with index finger!), stretching (lock the legs and grab the toes). Then spider (get into lotus and swing back) and shoulder stand (proper form getting in savasana with palms down, point toes over head [toenails on ground], adjust arms for shoulder stand, knees to forehead with toes pointed up, then up - reverse coming back out).
I love form and routine. Scary.
I am also starting a membership at the Y today that I got discounted a while ago so we will see what swimming feels like after class :)
Friday, July 30, 2010
110/111/112 out of 205/206/209: If you don't use it...I'm a wave maker
Strange title, I know. Summertime is just not the time for coherency anyway or keeping up with blogs it seems either!
Due to juicing distraction, lack of sleep and being too lazy to get up early enough in the morning - I have not been getting my stretching in like I would prefer. I am doing a little here and there but not on any time-table or consistency.
I did some advanced postures on Sunday night - not a full advanced class - an abridged version of postures the team felt would work for our bodies. I can happily report that I can do 2! LOL. My ego is not completely bruised. No one looked more surprised than me that it was easy to get in lotus and that I have a good spider! I always loved spiders - they eat mosquitoes! And somehow I was doing a shoulder stand! So those are my two optional postures.
I had a tight body class last night which isn't necessarily a bad thing but just goes to show that the stretching and staying away from dairy and coffee work but only if you work it!
On another note, it has been a busy week at work as part of stepping down from a position on a committee. I have never stepped down from anything in my life but it became all to clear that this position was going nowhere and doing nothing for me, not even interesting to me. I've been busy preparing the materials for the newby. Great to know they replaced me in like 15 minutes. The whole experience has confirmed how easily replaced and expendable we are and how much I don't like that and yet how freeing it is at the same time. Working on some changes for the future I believe.
Anyway, finishing up today handing off the position and there is a sense of freedom in the air. It also became clear to me that most people at work prefer to surround themselves with people who don't make waves. At the same time, I realized that I am a wavemaker! Not only do I realize it, but I think now I embrace it! So deal people. I make waves. I'm a mover and a shaker and unless you want a wild ride and aren't completely happy and serene in the middle of chaos - then you'd best be on your way! I am no more ashamed of my nature than the ocean is ashamed of a Hurricane. I'm at peace with my nature and make adjustments accordingly.
Due to juicing distraction, lack of sleep and being too lazy to get up early enough in the morning - I have not been getting my stretching in like I would prefer. I am doing a little here and there but not on any time-table or consistency.
I did some advanced postures on Sunday night - not a full advanced class - an abridged version of postures the team felt would work for our bodies. I can happily report that I can do 2! LOL. My ego is not completely bruised. No one looked more surprised than me that it was easy to get in lotus and that I have a good spider! I always loved spiders - they eat mosquitoes! And somehow I was doing a shoulder stand! So those are my two optional postures.
I had a tight body class last night which isn't necessarily a bad thing but just goes to show that the stretching and staying away from dairy and coffee work but only if you work it!
On another note, it has been a busy week at work as part of stepping down from a position on a committee. I have never stepped down from anything in my life but it became all to clear that this position was going nowhere and doing nothing for me, not even interesting to me. I've been busy preparing the materials for the newby. Great to know they replaced me in like 15 minutes. The whole experience has confirmed how easily replaced and expendable we are and how much I don't like that and yet how freeing it is at the same time. Working on some changes for the future I believe.
Anyway, finishing up today handing off the position and there is a sense of freedom in the air. It also became clear to me that most people at work prefer to surround themselves with people who don't make waves. At the same time, I realized that I am a wavemaker! Not only do I realize it, but I think now I embrace it! So deal people. I make waves. I'm a mover and a shaker and unless you want a wild ride and aren't completely happy and serene in the middle of chaos - then you'd best be on your way! I am no more ashamed of my nature than the ocean is ashamed of a Hurricane. I'm at peace with my nature and make adjustments accordingly.
Friday, July 23, 2010
109/202: Doing my homework starts to pay off
So the extra stretching I have been doing is definitely paying off in the backbending that uses gravity - half moon and camel. I am also feeling a difference in the backbending series particularly in the thoracic region. However the lower back and the locust posture leaves something to be desired. Must build more strength.
I'm always a little wonky in the balancing series during the class but then the extra sets I do at the end of SH2K and standing bow are better. BUILDING muscles in the legs, calves, ankles. That tendency to roll out to the edge of the feet is strong with this little grasshopper and she is mindful of planting her tripod roots in the sand and growing up through the ankle!
So I am thinking of what might happen if I actually get consistent with this stretching and extra sets program. T'INK OF IT!
The extra sets at the end of the class really aren't that hard and actually I feel really amazing after doing them. The first posture is always the hardest but once I start working on it, I start to feel the strength of doing it. I try each side 3 times in the SH2K and standing bow (because I fall out). Then two sets of floor bow, rabbit and paschimottanasa. It's a start.
I'm always a little wonky in the balancing series during the class but then the extra sets I do at the end of SH2K and standing bow are better. BUILDING muscles in the legs, calves, ankles. That tendency to roll out to the edge of the feet is strong with this little grasshopper and she is mindful of planting her tripod roots in the sand and growing up through the ankle!
So I am thinking of what might happen if I actually get consistent with this stretching and extra sets program. T'INK OF IT!
The extra sets at the end of the class really aren't that hard and actually I feel really amazing after doing them. The first posture is always the hardest but once I start working on it, I start to feel the strength of doing it. I try each side 3 times in the SH2K and standing bow (because I fall out). Then two sets of floor bow, rabbit and paschimottanasa. It's a start.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
108/201: 20 minutes and LOTS of stretching
I did a quick warm-up using the standing series and then did lots of stretching last night. I've been meaning to work on that stuff for a while so it felt good to do it, but damn why is it so time consuming to start something new in your regimen???
OK - well, I'm pressed for time today. Voice lesson tonight then class at the studio and then clean studio. I'm looking forward to a full 90 minute HOT class tonight.
Keepin' it real peoples!
OK - well, I'm pressed for time today. Voice lesson tonight then class at the studio and then clean studio. I'm looking forward to a full 90 minute HOT class tonight.
Keepin' it real peoples!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
107/200:Hello!
I took the back row last night. I'm working on "stuff" with my postures and just didn't want to be in the front row to do it. So I came to realize that my practice last night so freaking counts! What a difference that kind of work makes when you come back into the hot room. I think my standing head to knee is getting better already. I was able to try to kick out with my right leg at least. The left which has the heel issue just wasn't having that. Anyway, I am a good sore from all this work!
At the end, I did an extra set of SH2K, Standing Bow, Camel, Rabbit and Paschimottanasana. I realized after that I should have done floor bow. Oh well. I also didn't hold them very long, but it's a start. Baby steps always into something new. I did some extra that's enough to start.
I went home and inhaled fruit for dinner. Yummy blueberries from the public market with peaches and then sliced up an orange. That was dinner! It's all I wanted. Then I did some singin' and it felt super good. To have such an open body when singing just feels awesome. What doesn't feel so awesome is getting cramps in your feet and calves when your done singing. I guess too much standing in place right after a yoga class and PROBABLY not enough electrolyte balance in the body. Live and learn. I topped off the evening with a lovely hot bath with tea tree oil in it, made a few phone calls that I was procrastinating on and went off to BED!
It always amazes me how much I do in a day, but at the same time how I can't seem to do enough??? I need to fix this issue. Not today.
At the end, I did an extra set of SH2K, Standing Bow, Camel, Rabbit and Paschimottanasana. I realized after that I should have done floor bow. Oh well. I also didn't hold them very long, but it's a start. Baby steps always into something new. I did some extra that's enough to start.
I went home and inhaled fruit for dinner. Yummy blueberries from the public market with peaches and then sliced up an orange. That was dinner! It's all I wanted. Then I did some singin' and it felt super good. To have such an open body when singing just feels awesome. What doesn't feel so awesome is getting cramps in your feet and calves when your done singing. I guess too much standing in place right after a yoga class and PROBABLY not enough electrolyte balance in the body. Live and learn. I topped off the evening with a lovely hot bath with tea tree oil in it, made a few phone calls that I was procrastinating on and went off to BED!
It always amazes me how much I do in a day, but at the same time how I can't seem to do enough??? I need to fix this issue. Not today.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
106/199: Making it up as I go along
I sang first thing when I got home last night and it felt really good to sing again. Yeah, I still got it!
Then I went and picked up my new scooter (photos to follow later) and took "Effelina" for a ride. She's seafoam minty green. They don't carry this particular scooter in yellow. I am crushed by this but loving my new smooth ride.
I then puttered around looking at my yoga book and by the time I new it, I really didn't have enough time to an entire 90 minute practice at home. I went through the standing series, savasana and wind removing pose then called it a night. I was loose with this practice and took some time to work out the postures a little so it felt more like a techniques class than an actual practice. But all yoga, is good yoga. :)
It's not a full class but at this point I'm not sure I'm caring about that. I think as long as I am putting some time in with my yoga it counts as a day with yoga in it. Who knows. I'm sick of rules. I'm making it up as I go along.
Then I went and picked up my new scooter (photos to follow later) and took "Effelina" for a ride. She's seafoam minty green. They don't carry this particular scooter in yellow. I am crushed by this but loving my new smooth ride.
I then puttered around looking at my yoga book and by the time I new it, I really didn't have enough time to an entire 90 minute practice at home. I went through the standing series, savasana and wind removing pose then called it a night. I was loose with this practice and took some time to work out the postures a little so it felt more like a techniques class than an actual practice. But all yoga, is good yoga. :)
It's not a full class but at this point I'm not sure I'm caring about that. I think as long as I am putting some time in with my yoga it counts as a day with yoga in it. Who knows. I'm sick of rules. I'm making it up as I go along.
Monday, July 19, 2010
105/198: I made it!
I did a Sunday practice which I must say I'm not into these summer days especially when I'm so busy on the clearing out of my home space. I bought a new scooter yesterday that I pick up later tonight, but it took so long at the store that I wasn't sure I would make it to the class. I walked in late which I hate to do but was on my mat and in pranayama by the 5th breath cycle first set! It took the the rest of the first set to get the breath under control but then the rest of the class was just really nice. Doing my thing. Moving meditation. Appropriate uncomfortable sensations! My locking leg is getting better on the right side, but the left is just taking a while.
I felt a little full and wished I hadn't eaten lunch so late, note to self.
I stayed for the meeting about the competition coming up in October so I am glad I made it to the class and decided to come. Mr. Doubt was saying "Who do you think you are? You're not good enough to do this! You don't belong!" but that's not what this "competition" is about. I just want to get better and this provides and opportunity to do that. I also am very proud of my practice. I have come a very, very long way from whence I started and I'm interested in how much further I can go in the next few months with a little help, attention to detail and a little extra smart tools and sweat.
I am practicing at home tonight and looking forward to a really humid practice and stretching after.
LOCK THE KNEE... and everything else in the leg.
I felt a little full and wished I hadn't eaten lunch so late, note to self.
I stayed for the meeting about the competition coming up in October so I am glad I made it to the class and decided to come. Mr. Doubt was saying "Who do you think you are? You're not good enough to do this! You don't belong!" but that's not what this "competition" is about. I just want to get better and this provides and opportunity to do that. I also am very proud of my practice. I have come a very, very long way from whence I started and I'm interested in how much further I can go in the next few months with a little help, attention to detail and a little extra smart tools and sweat.
I am practicing at home tonight and looking forward to a really humid practice and stretching after.
LOCK THE KNEE... and everything else in the leg.
Friday, July 16, 2010
104/195: R-Exploration
I am in to making up my own words lately. This is a composite of Rest and Exploration. I am exploring rest and exploration right now so this is good. For a change, I'm actually balancing this rest thing out pretty well and don't find myself bored or restless. Three classes a week is okay for now for me and it leaves room for exploration elsewhere. Meditation. Music. Social time. Other physical activities though this is limited as I await word on my pesky heel problems (I finally made a Doctor's appointment and I will find out what the verdict is next week). Most of all, the time has afforded READING. Reading about yoga and qigong and meditation! I will also admit that I have spent some time with entertainment and specifically watching old Moonlighting episodes and laughing and giggling like a little girl. ;)
I've toyed with worrying about whether I'm doing enough, getting enough done, and whether or not I'm losing weight and honestly it's just not worth the energy. So poo-poo on that as I saunter back to my hammock. Everything is better with a hammock.
I am going to just own my R-Exploration.
Class last night was nice. They are all nice lately. Quality, not quantity - but hey that's part of my R-exploration this week. I like my new word!
I've toyed with worrying about whether I'm doing enough, getting enough done, and whether or not I'm losing weight and honestly it's just not worth the energy. So poo-poo on that as I saunter back to my hammock. Everything is better with a hammock.
I am going to just own my R-Exploration.
Class last night was nice. They are all nice lately. Quality, not quantity - but hey that's part of my R-exploration this week. I like my new word!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
103/192: On the edge of a wild ride.
My favorite teacher stressed the details of the postures for us intermediate students and man that class then kicked my butt! It was nice to be challenged to be better. However, I wonder how people deal with this aspect of yoga. I mean you get to a point with a posture that maybe you've never been to before and you start to actually feel good about yourself and then BAM! You realize there's so much more. How do you keep you ego/self-esteem in tact? Maybe the point is that you don't! Just like my walk in the rain on Saturday, I surrendered to the fact that I was going to be soaked and so I might as well have a good time. Perhaps, just surrendering to the fact that this is lifelong learning and that some of the postures (Actually most) are designed to create discomfort and then deciding to just have a good time with it. What do you think?
I am proud of myself for not going into despair land and berating myself in that class. It was a battle but I made it out unscathed by my ego/mind. I just noticed the negativity coming up and just laughed at it. Because really having expectations of any kind in that class when you are on the edge of your practice is ridiculous. Sure after a while you can started to have a trust in what your body will always be able to do, but frankly only if you are playing it safe. I can do x,y,z if I do abc. If you are constantly on the edge of your ability, you'll never know where you will go. On another day, I may not have had the mental fortitude to fight off the mental chatter plus the fatigue. Maybe I would have. The point is, who knows. On the edge - it's a wild ride.
No ride for me tonight. Acupuncture instead.
I am proud of myself for not going into despair land and berating myself in that class. It was a battle but I made it out unscathed by my ego/mind. I just noticed the negativity coming up and just laughed at it. Because really having expectations of any kind in that class when you are on the edge of your practice is ridiculous. Sure after a while you can started to have a trust in what your body will always be able to do, but frankly only if you are playing it safe. I can do x,y,z if I do abc. If you are constantly on the edge of your ability, you'll never know where you will go. On another day, I may not have had the mental fortitude to fight off the mental chatter plus the fatigue. Maybe I would have. The point is, who knows. On the edge - it's a wild ride.
No ride for me tonight. Acupuncture instead.
Monday, July 12, 2010
101/189 & 102/190: Living life
The "evil" teacher was actually nice to me for the Friday class after me dreading it all day. What a waste of energy that dread was! He even commented on my triangle being good. Can't say that wasn't nice to hear. I'm glad I went to the class because I did consider skipping out. I ended up going to the Last Airbender afterward with my husband and on a side note please DO NOT waste your money on that movie. It's so bad.
Saturday was an awesome class just for the mere fact that I arrived after having walked 30 minutes in a downpour. It was one of those amazing moments of surrender and then just joy. There was no doubt I was going to yoga, I had to walk because I couldn't find my keys to my scooter, and well it was raining - so get soaked it was! I laughed most of the way on the walk and arrived like Elvis had entered the building completely SOAKED. My yoga clothes in my bag were dry but not for long as I then sweat in class!
A good friend took his 101st class in a row in that class so I just had to be there. It was also a teacher I hadn't had in a while whose class I enjoy. Overall, the week rounded out nicely. I took 5 classes last week! I haven't done that in a while.
Day off yesterday was nice with a walk in the morning with a dear friend, a movie with my husband, finishing reading Eat, Pray, Love which I think kind of petered out in the end, and of course took a nap in my hammock. I prepared all my juices for the day last night so it was nice to start the morning mostly prepared and able to take some time doing some qigong!
Off to class later today!
Saturday was an awesome class just for the mere fact that I arrived after having walked 30 minutes in a downpour. It was one of those amazing moments of surrender and then just joy. There was no doubt I was going to yoga, I had to walk because I couldn't find my keys to my scooter, and well it was raining - so get soaked it was! I laughed most of the way on the walk and arrived like Elvis had entered the building completely SOAKED. My yoga clothes in my bag were dry but not for long as I then sweat in class!
A good friend took his 101st class in a row in that class so I just had to be there. It was also a teacher I hadn't had in a while whose class I enjoy. Overall, the week rounded out nicely. I took 5 classes last week! I haven't done that in a while.
Day off yesterday was nice with a walk in the morning with a dear friend, a movie with my husband, finishing reading Eat, Pray, Love which I think kind of petered out in the end, and of course took a nap in my hammock. I prepared all my juices for the day last night so it was nice to start the morning mostly prepared and able to take some time doing some qigong!
Off to class later today!
Friday, July 9, 2010
100/188: Yellow Rose of Texas
Last night's practice was weird for me. I was reading Eat, Pray, Love before I left for class and I was at the part in the book where she is happy with the place she has rented in Indonesia and how she was giving names to all the flowers in the garden there since she didn't know that names of them, incredibly creative names. I guess I just had gardens and flowers on the brains and I just let my imagination run wild in that class. I became a yellow texas rose with its flower petals blooming to the sunshine of the teacher's voice with my roots digging their heels (quite literally) into the sand. This image started in half moon after a very wild and restless pranayama but the image calmed me and kept going until the very end of class. I was constantly furling and unfurling to the sun. To think of stretching like a leaf is reaching toward the sun is an excellent analogy. It's a very efficient process - no herking and jerking, no grunting and pushing - just constant reaching for the sun. Nature has a way of finding a way and particularly through adversity so I am not painting a picture of constant bliss and peace and non-attachment here. There is honor in reaching for the sun particularly when one is in the bottomless pit of the forest of emotions or fatigue. However, the effort is no longer a pressure from the outside-in but a natural longing and yearning for what is best for us for that day. I remind myself that the higher one reaches the firmer one must resolve to continually renew the foundation. I also remind myself that roses and rose petals to be specific are delicate and one must be gentle with a rose.
What foundation of my yoga practice shall I renew?
OMG - this all came from a little meditation in a 90 minute yoga class where I was thinking about flowers rather than the postures that I "should" have been thinking about!
I am a flower petal blooming and one must be delicate and gentle with my Yellow Rose of Texas but not forget she's a persistent flower digging her roots in the sand to survive the hottest of conditions - and I'm not talking about the temperature in the room.
What foundation of my yoga practice shall I renew?
- Breath. I will always return to the breath. Long, deep inhales - slow deep exhales during savasanas; normal breathing in postures. In and out through the nose. No exasperated huffing and puffing and sighing and groaning. If I lose the breath, I've gone too far and it's time to back off. The breath is life to myself and the fuel for the posture. Desparate for breath=desparate for posture=ego=greater possibility of injury. Calm and easy breath=calm and easy posture you could maintain for what seems like forever=no need for ego=greater possibility of deepening the benefits of the practice and reaching further into the sunlight.
- The right way of the posture, step by step. This is where the ego is such a bugger. If I am reaching for what is best for me then how far into the posture I go should not matter. Renewing myself to as much of the right way as possible for the day and having the presence of mind to stay there until I am relaxed into the strength of that place to then move further. Step by step though is the bugger. To stay where it is uncomfortable for me in the first or second part of the posture whilst everyone else moves on takes quite a bit of surrendering the ego.
- Pada Hastasana (Hands to Feet Pose) is a perfect example for me. I am trying to hard to get those elbows behind the calves and keep them there. I get it but it's uncomfortable. I've got too much tummy and the muscles I do have under there fatigue quickly. Oh, how I must suck my stomach in and also how tired my calves and ankles get in this awkward position. But then my ego (and the dialogue) says pull, pull, pull and lift your hips and lock your knee. I listen and lose the good form (the right way), my shoulders come up, my wrists filet out. Sure, my hips come up, my head gets to somewhere on my shins which I'm sure is not low enough. What would happen if I just stayed in the first part of the posture and maintained the right way instead of following my ego and the rest of the dialogue? Perhaps, I would actually build and learn to stretch those muscles in my abs and my calves not to mention, the biceps, fingers, wrists and the scapula to actually maintain the correct form and THEN move on to the next part of the posture. It's just a thought, an experiment, an idea that would be worth a try. I mean what is a few classes out the many I will do in a lifetime to try a little experiment?
- To Thine Own Self Be True. And be HONEST about it. If I try the right way even 1-3% and to the best of my abilities, I get benefits, right? That's great. So what is that per day? How do you measure? There's a lot of Type A's out there in our style of yoga (CN I <3 U) and being the overachiever, serious student that I am, it's super hard to tread that line of doing your best to doing your beyond to ending up doing nothing even remotely close to your best and feeling pretty crappy about it. I'd like to get off of that ferris wheel that leads no where thank you very much. It's hard to be truly honest with oneself. But this is yoga too. Everything is yoga. If I am tight one day, if I am tired, if I have injury, blah, blah, blah - it doesn't matter what excuse there is - can't I still practice my yoga somehow? See first two bullets. But then there are days where yoga requires you not to practice and that is ok too. Sometimes my yoga calls me to sing, to run and play outside, or spend time with friends and family, and yes it even sometimes calls me to do my laundry and clean my house :( Can we say could I please go back to the torture chamber it's so much better than cleaning, or going to work, or dealing with people I don't want to deal with!) Sometimes it's easier to just go to class but the hard way is normally the right way, right? Sometimes you can do both. Sometimes you can do more than you ever dreamed, beyond your wildest imaginings. Sometimes just a leap of faith is all it takes for the universe to respond "YES!" and it simply waits for your leap of faith. Not a leap of faith in something else but in trusting the truth of myself.
OMG - this all came from a little meditation in a 90 minute yoga class where I was thinking about flowers rather than the postures that I "should" have been thinking about!
I am a flower petal blooming and one must be delicate and gentle with my Yellow Rose of Texas but not forget she's a persistent flower digging her roots in the sand to survive the hottest of conditions - and I'm not talking about the temperature in the room.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
99/187: Mantra happiness
Some new "mantras", as I like to call them, popped into my head last night during class
I'm happy and feeling quite free.
Two favorite quotes to leave you with today:
"Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves." - Robert Frost
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain, American writer
- "relax into the strength of the posture" (I like this one)
- "do my joyful, daily duty" (a variation on an oldie but goodie)
- "let's see where I am today" (in the first set)
- "let's see where I might go today" (in the second set)
- "I love myself" (blush)
- "and hold it" (at the maximum for my day - hold it for 3 seconds)
I'm happy and feeling quite free.
Two favorite quotes to leave you with today:
"Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found it was ourselves." - Robert Frost
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain, American writer
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
98/186: Good stuff.
I enjoyed my practice last night. I am focusing at looking my eyes in the mirror more than usual and this is good for me. There is nothing like facing yourSELF in the mirror. I felt like half moon backbending second set was better than it's been in a long time. Sucking my stomach in was a challenge for whatever reason last night - maybe it's that fact that my belly is red beet burned! mmm red beets. I digress. Weirdly camel wasn't so hot. Just gotta relax.
That's my theme these days. To relax. To learn to relax into the postures. To find that fine line between pushing but not pushing. I'm ready for life to no longer be stressful ... anymore.
I'm a little sore today and yoga hungover. I cleaned the studio last night and sweat just as much doing that as the class! I'm looking forward to a good stretch today though and will probably just take it a little easier tonight.
That's my theme these days. To relax. To learn to relax into the postures. To find that fine line between pushing but not pushing. I'm ready for life to no longer be stressful ... anymore.
I'm a little sore today and yoga hungover. I cleaned the studio last night and sweat just as much doing that as the class! I'm looking forward to a good stretch today though and will probably just take it a little easier tonight.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
94/179, 95/181, 96/182, 97/184: Namaste with the Bare Necessities
As I mentioned in my last blog, I have been wondering whether blogging was good for my practice or not. So I took a week off from writing. I've come to the conclusion that it's not necessarily the blogging that's the problem it's the intention behind it. Isn't it that way with everything? So long story short, I will continue to blog but perhaps differently or at least perhaps not as frequently.
So here's my catch up. I got this lovely hot yoga masterclass book (super expensive) recently as a treat to myself and a means to re-invigorate my practice (just like a new outfit motivates one to work out?). At first, I felt like this book would have been more novel a year ago when I first saw it online. Most things I have since learned in this year while I waited to purchase it. Though it's nice to have a visual and there are certainly many tidbits in there which I am trying out and we will see if they are for better or worse. Either way, it's nice to have a sense of curiosity in my practice rather than expectations! That was my piece of wisdom from last Tuesday's class. Thursday's class was more of the same. My camel and backbends felt much better. I had a really deep standing separate leg stretching head to knee pose. I came out of it and saw nothing but stars. I had to sit out of tree pose. I just couldn't see straight. Oh well.
Friday - ugg, ok how do I explain Friday. I mentioned how last Friday's class wasn't so great - tired etc., etc., etc. Well, my greeting by same teacher this Friday was "so you're going to do all 26 postures tonight right?" Gotta love it. I find it funny I am getting this expectations-oriented question when I am currently letting go of an expectations-oriented class, heck I am letting go of a results/expectations-oriented life! I laugh now, but this sat on my heart most of the weekend. My ego wishing it had come up with some splashier comeback - blah, blah, blah. Despite this, or perhaps in spite of it, I had probably the best class I've had in a long while. Best camel I've done in a very long time, cobra feeling good, good triangle. I should have walked away from that class walking on air. Instead I just walked away with a really bad taste in my mouth and someone else's bad energy smeered all over me. Ylick, bluck. Insert Mr. Yuck symbol!
Sunday - well, I went to the 10 am class and took a class with a teacher I hadn't had yet and two other people - one who is a good friend who heard my tale of woe from Friday night's class. Thanks for listening. Anyway, it was a good class and much needed after all the junk I ate/DRANK at a picnic the previous night and my foul mood from Friday!
I ran out of time to take class yesterday with celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary and finishing up some home projects before going back to WORK today.
It's hot and humid out and perfect for practicing yoga. I can't wait to practice today and stretch out. I'm sore from playing on my new toy - the yoga trapeze! Swingin' like a monkey :), I find myself doing the Moagley/Bear dance often these days. Namaste with the bare necessities!
So here's my catch up. I got this lovely hot yoga masterclass book (super expensive) recently as a treat to myself and a means to re-invigorate my practice (just like a new outfit motivates one to work out?). At first, I felt like this book would have been more novel a year ago when I first saw it online. Most things I have since learned in this year while I waited to purchase it. Though it's nice to have a visual and there are certainly many tidbits in there which I am trying out and we will see if they are for better or worse. Either way, it's nice to have a sense of curiosity in my practice rather than expectations! That was my piece of wisdom from last Tuesday's class. Thursday's class was more of the same. My camel and backbends felt much better. I had a really deep standing separate leg stretching head to knee pose. I came out of it and saw nothing but stars. I had to sit out of tree pose. I just couldn't see straight. Oh well.
Friday - ugg, ok how do I explain Friday. I mentioned how last Friday's class wasn't so great - tired etc., etc., etc. Well, my greeting by same teacher this Friday was "so you're going to do all 26 postures tonight right?" Gotta love it. I find it funny I am getting this expectations-oriented question when I am currently letting go of an expectations-oriented class, heck I am letting go of a results/expectations-oriented life! I laugh now, but this sat on my heart most of the weekend. My ego wishing it had come up with some splashier comeback - blah, blah, blah. Despite this, or perhaps in spite of it, I had probably the best class I've had in a long while. Best camel I've done in a very long time, cobra feeling good, good triangle. I should have walked away from that class walking on air. Instead I just walked away with a really bad taste in my mouth and someone else's bad energy smeered all over me. Ylick, bluck. Insert Mr. Yuck symbol!
Sunday - well, I went to the 10 am class and took a class with a teacher I hadn't had yet and two other people - one who is a good friend who heard my tale of woe from Friday night's class. Thanks for listening. Anyway, it was a good class and much needed after all the junk I ate/DRANK at a picnic the previous night and my foul mood from Friday!
I ran out of time to take class yesterday with celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary and finishing up some home projects before going back to WORK today.
It's hot and humid out and perfect for practicing yoga. I can't wait to practice today and stretch out. I'm sore from playing on my new toy - the yoga trapeze! Swingin' like a monkey :), I find myself doing the Moagley/Bear dance often these days. Namaste with the bare necessities!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Processing. Processing. Processing.
When my 5 pm appointment cancelled I developed an amazing case of skipping school-itis. I'm outta here, outta work and off to home. I had all these grand intentions of playing with my juicer and doing a home practice. I walked home 2.5 miles in flip-flops. I made another juice and then sat down to quick update my mp3 player so I could then do the class in my living room only to discover the internet wasn't working. An hour later of trying this and trying that and finally I gave up. I used it as an excuse not to practice and instead read about yoga. I went to bed later than I planned but all in all I have the sense that I'm doing exactly what I need to do right now.
I wonder sometimes if this blogging thing is good for me and my practice. I wonder if knowing I am going to write about my practice etc changes and effects my practice. It causes me to take notice, to judge, to score, to compare, to pay more attention to sensations than is truly necessary for my practice. It is one thing to notice and be mindful and another to form an opinion which then affects the outcome sometimes even unconsciously. Reminds me of a report I saw once of how when a scientist works on an experiment he/she actually affects the experiment simply by conducting the experiment. Not sure where that's from - maybe a Dan Brown book??? Nonetheless, here I am writing. There are pros and cons to everything.
I do like tallying up my practices but why? It makes me feel like they have more meaning and that they are more of an "accomplishment". That's interesting. As if, just doing something just because I enjoy it isn't "worthwhile" and that if you aren't doing something in order to "accomplish" then there is no worth in it. Funny how the brain twists things around and you don't even realize it. Well, calling it like it is, is often the first step to making changes so there it is.
I might just spend my entire summer reading on a hammock. I might not. :)
I wonder sometimes if this blogging thing is good for me and my practice. I wonder if knowing I am going to write about my practice etc changes and effects my practice. It causes me to take notice, to judge, to score, to compare, to pay more attention to sensations than is truly necessary for my practice. It is one thing to notice and be mindful and another to form an opinion which then affects the outcome sometimes even unconsciously. Reminds me of a report I saw once of how when a scientist works on an experiment he/she actually affects the experiment simply by conducting the experiment. Not sure where that's from - maybe a Dan Brown book??? Nonetheless, here I am writing. There are pros and cons to everything.
I do like tallying up my practices but why? It makes me feel like they have more meaning and that they are more of an "accomplishment". That's interesting. As if, just doing something just because I enjoy it isn't "worthwhile" and that if you aren't doing something in order to "accomplish" then there is no worth in it. Funny how the brain twists things around and you don't even realize it. Well, calling it like it is, is often the first step to making changes so there it is.
I might just spend my entire summer reading on a hammock. I might not. :)
Monday, June 28, 2010
92/174 and 93/175: Daily duty
I had a fabulous class Thursday night after an amazing voice lesson. Everything just felt good. I'm liking enjoying my yoga again. Friday...not so enjoyable. Super hot, not my favorite teacher plus working on maybe 3 hours sleep. I felt good going in, then what energy store I had was depleted by the balancing series. I came back in the floor series to have a decent class there. I was just all tunnel vision in the standing series. Oh well, two classes in the bank. I didn't practice all weekend. I prepared for singing at church yesterday which went OK. I sang so well at my voice lesson that it just pailed in comparison and my energy level was a little down. Must get more rest. Must get more rest. I did some stretching and some work with my foam roller and I did my 20 minute morning chi routine so despite not doing yoga, I am feeling like adding these activities back into my life are very good for me.
I bought a juicer and I started using it this morning. Some very healthy nutrients are going into my body and I started the day with 15 minutes of stretching too!. Late class tonight with one of my favs but honestly feeling like I am going to just hit the pillow and be out like a light bulb the minute I get home. That can be a good thing. It just means tomorrow I am going to feel great!
I bought a juicer and I started using it this morning. Some very healthy nutrients are going into my body and I started the day with 15 minutes of stretching too!. Late class tonight with one of my favs but honestly feeling like I am going to just hit the pillow and be out like a light bulb the minute I get home. That can be a good thing. It just means tomorrow I am going to feel great!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
91/171: Sublime
I had a lovely class on Monday and yah I'm just getting around to writing about it. That's ok. I've been a busy little bird researching all sorts of healthy things and laying in my newly installed hammock in my living room. Life is good. I'm taking it easy last week and this week limiting myself to only 3 classes a week. This is honestly good for me. I'm enjoying singing and reading, gardening and listening to music and the birds singing outside. This type of yoga is good for me. ;)
It was a good class. I pulled my heel in the first set of triangle and ended up sitting out the rest of it but then came back in and took it super duper slow in separate leg stretching head to knee pose. It was a hot class without a doubt but surviveable. It felt good but was sleepy after. Nothing fabulous to report other than I am excited about purchasing a juicer and experimenting with juicing and making sorbets with yummy fruits...
It was a good class. I pulled my heel in the first set of triangle and ended up sitting out the rest of it but then came back in and took it super duper slow in separate leg stretching head to knee pose. It was a hot class without a doubt but surviveable. It felt good but was sleepy after. Nothing fabulous to report other than I am excited about purchasing a juicer and experimenting with juicing and making sorbets with yummy fruits...
Saturday, June 19, 2010
90/169: Finally did a little quickie!
Shame on you for thinking that way. This is a blog about yoga... but we'll talk about how that also increases ones appetite for -A-hem - well, you know.
I was tired after lots of work out in the sun earlier today and I was about to take a shower and take a nap when I decided - NOPE! I'm going to do a half set of Bikram. I was feeling crappy. Body sore etc so I realized the best remedy would be some yoga. I didn't need to be all formal. Just my living room, a carpet, a towel, one set of each of the postures on my new sansa player, a bikini and I was good to go. No need to get out of my bikini ;)! It was warm enough in the house and my body was warm from being outside. I had no trouble with feeling stiff due to not being in a torture chamber at all. I enjoyed EVERY second of this practice though not because it was easy. I was really surprised how I was able to get into each of the postures to my "normal" maximum. It felt good to give every part of the body a little attention and I felt AMAZING after. So no more writing halves in my Title posts! Amen.
I was tired after lots of work out in the sun earlier today and I was about to take a shower and take a nap when I decided - NOPE! I'm going to do a half set of Bikram. I was feeling crappy. Body sore etc so I realized the best remedy would be some yoga. I didn't need to be all formal. Just my living room, a carpet, a towel, one set of each of the postures on my new sansa player, a bikini and I was good to go. No need to get out of my bikini ;)! It was warm enough in the house and my body was warm from being outside. I had no trouble with feeling stiff due to not being in a torture chamber at all. I enjoyed EVERY second of this practice though not because it was easy. I was really surprised how I was able to get into each of the postures to my "normal" maximum. It felt good to give every part of the body a little attention and I felt AMAZING after. So no more writing halves in my Title posts! Amen.
Friday, June 18, 2010
88.5 & 89.5/167: Doubly Delicious
I vascillated yesterday all day at work. I can't wait to practice, I don't want to practice - should I do a double or should I just get a head start on cleaning the studio? Showed up to the studio and discovered a treat - one of my favorite teachers returned to the studio recently was filling in. I forgot how much I enjoy myself when he delivers the dialogue. He's low-key but encouraging and always good at reminding us at key times why all this suffering is worthwhile. Ah. It was so nice to just enjoy my practice. I even asked him to look at pada-hasthasana to see if there was anything I was missing as I've felt like it just feels weird lately. I haven't asked in a long while for anyone to look at my postures so that was nice. Sure enough he suggested something simple (from the dialogue) I was missing that changed the feel. I love that he doesn't shout out that information and just told me off the mic. He's really a good teacher and if I ever get to be a teacher someday, that's the kind of teacher I want to be.
Anyway, enough teacher worshipping. The first class felt great so I stayed in and did the double. It felt good. I experienced some fatigue in the balancing series in the arches of my feet and the calves. Oh plantar fasciitis your notice is due - you no longer need to plague me!
I'm a bit sore today but a good sore. I am vascillating as to whether to take class after work today or not. I've got my stuff in case. My hubby is home tonight so it would be nice to just go home and finish up stringing the lights on our deck and installing the air conditioner since tomorrow is supposed to be a scorcher. It is a beautiful day today so since I did a double last night, I think I will forego the class and practice at home tomorrow since it will be hot as hell anyway! But then again, I am a little sore and class would feel great! Oh well, I'm going to just make that decision when the time comes. Staying in the now moment.
Namaste peeps!
Anyway, enough teacher worshipping. The first class felt great so I stayed in and did the double. It felt good. I experienced some fatigue in the balancing series in the arches of my feet and the calves. Oh plantar fasciitis your notice is due - you no longer need to plague me!
I'm a bit sore today but a good sore. I am vascillating as to whether to take class after work today or not. I've got my stuff in case. My hubby is home tonight so it would be nice to just go home and finish up stringing the lights on our deck and installing the air conditioner since tomorrow is supposed to be a scorcher. It is a beautiful day today so since I did a double last night, I think I will forego the class and practice at home tomorrow since it will be hot as hell anyway! But then again, I am a little sore and class would feel great! Oh well, I'm going to just make that decision when the time comes. Staying in the now moment.
Namaste peeps!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
87.5/164: I'm tired.
I must admit that I am keeping up with this blog just to have a record of patterns in my practice and not necessarily because of amazing insights and this is definitely not an amazing insight blog today. Last night's practice was a challenge for the heat but more for my fatigue. I'm just feeling sleepy and tired. I long for a day just sitting at the beach sipping whatever beverage other than water :) I wanted out of the room even before the class began and did my best to keep my breathe flowing and calm through out. It was more important to me to work within the framework of what I had to offer that day from moment to moment. I'm pleased with that for today.
I have the yoga hangover this morning despite drinking the water and electrolytes. I guess I could drink more water especially now that it's summer and particularly since I have a love affair with coffee, iced caffe mochas to be exact. How how can I let that go?
No practice today as I have acupuncture tonight and there is nothing more I am looking forward to than that. To lay on the table, let the energy flow and meditate on taking care of myself - heaven!
I have the yoga hangover this morning despite drinking the water and electrolytes. I guess I could drink more water especially now that it's summer and particularly since I have a love affair with coffee, iced caffe mochas to be exact. How how can I let that go?
No practice today as I have acupuncture tonight and there is nothing more I am looking forward to than that. To lay on the table, let the energy flow and meditate on taking care of myself - heaven!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
86.5/162: Camel, oh spite, oh hell!
Camel why you go and do me this way??? I was loving you for so long. I had a fairly strong class other than dizzies occasionally which I got over until da, da, da, da - CAMEL. Uck. I stand up on my knees and my stomach says don't you dare bend backward. Muscles reflexes pull in and there is no amount of mental fortitude I have at my disposal to convince them otherwise that they can at least just stand on their knees and stay there. Poo. I've been there before with this posture that I later learned to enjoy and as I laid in savasana at the end, I convinced myself that what this means is that soon I am going to go further in that posture than ever before. So there! Take that you fabulously wonderful posture that's so good for me!
I also had the tinglies in my hands in the cobra series which is kind of new for me. OK whatever. I got emotional after camel, wanted to hyperventilate and die. I stayed in the room and kept going.
It's all good. I was so tired after class that I took a nap and honestly wish I were still napping but duties call. I'll sleep later. :)
I also had the tinglies in my hands in the cobra series which is kind of new for me. OK whatever. I got emotional after camel, wanted to hyperventilate and die. I stayed in the room and kept going.
It's all good. I was so tired after class that I took a nap and honestly wish I were still napping but duties call. I'll sleep later. :)
85.5/162: Yoga truck
Have to say I tanked at class last night and the yoga truck rolled me over. I was HUNGRY the entire class. I don't like the empty in the stomach feeling. It makes me feel incredibly vulnerable in any posture which exposes my belly which would be at least half of them. Oh well. I drank more water in the afternoon than usual and wasn't hungry for my 3:30 snack so this is probably why - I'll have to fix that next time. I had a hard time focusing this class as well. I was excited to go out to dinner with some friends and just go out period.
Oh well, that was yesterday. Today is a new day and another opportunity for something completely different - maybe. I have no expectations. We will just see where I go. :) Off to the next class in a few.
Oh well, that was yesterday. Today is a new day and another opportunity for something completely different - maybe. I have no expectations. We will just see where I go. :) Off to the next class in a few.
Friday, June 11, 2010
84.5/161: Sublime
Simply sublime. Lovely class. I had an interesting moment in fixed firm where out of the blue I had a twinge of interesting loveliness but nothing to get too excited over. Overall, it felt good. Any class where I rock a good triangle is a good class. I love that posture. Toodles.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
83.5/160: The safe room
It's always good to plan a safe room in your house in case of emergency and an intruder. You know - a room where you can lock the doors and make yourself the safest you possibly can. Being a survivor of a home invasion and a tornado that demolished our home while my family and I were in it at such a young age, this has been drilled into my consciousness. Sometimes you have to make do and just whatever room is the safest you designate your safe room and that's that.
I designate my yoga studio a safe room. A place where I can try something that is beyond me. A place where I can safely fail on a daily basis and multiple times in 90 minutes. A place where I can smile at that failure and inch closer with every class even when it doesn't seem like I've moved forward and in some cases it seems like I moved backward. I am safe to love it, hate it, ignore it - and still it will always welcome me back with open arms and no judgement. A place where I can let go of being hard on myself and safely navigate learning how to be human and have compassion for myself in addition to my strong sense of personal responsibility to others and my strong work ethic for myself. Honestly, it's a place where I have the opportunity to be safe from myself.
When I first started Bikram yoga, it immediately became a safe room. I was so bad at it that the perfectionist in me wasn't even given a chance to survive the hot room and I had no ego left at that point with regard to my body. I think as I got better and time went on, Little Ms. Perfectionist crept back in to my safe room I must have left the door open one day. Lord knows every now and then you have to air out that hot yoga room! My ego began having a hard time believing I'm not further along in this or that posture - "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" and my goodness if I am now going to have goals in this then I need to work harder and beyond compassion for myself. Screwball loose in brain (as Bikram would say) says if I don't reach perfect, don't work hard, don't prove I'm worthy or at least distract them with a song and dance - no one will love me. No one but more specifically me.
That's what's called a negative self-belief. You know one of those things you grow up believing in when you are kid that gets you through and serves you as a child but no longer is the truth as an adult. Honestly, not sure how true it was as a kid but it was safe at the time. It was safer believing that I had to somehow prove myself to get love than to believe that a parent (because of their own inabilities) didn't really love me. In addition to this negative self-belief is it's lovely counter-part - that I wasn't good enough to save my loved ones from themselves. I figured this one out a few months ago but didn't realize they were so linked.
I am working on new beliefs. 1) There is no proof in love. I mean really - how do prove something so amazingly complex and beautiful and equally terrifying as love? Sometimes we love beyond all reason and there is no proof, no action, no words to even come close to explaining. It's really not fair to expect myself to constantly do a song and dance either and I'm sure that's a two way street and part of me "expects" proof from others. That's really not nice. It's also not about being in the moment either. I mean I can't love fully in the moment if I am keeping score of the past and constantly expecting of the future? 2) Be in the moment whatever that is and let the rest go 3) Only I can save myself and the same goes for everyone else. We are the captains of our own ships. However, it is helpful to have shipmates as well as trust and faith in the stars/God/Universe that it all just works out for the best. :)
Yes, all this from a 90 minute yoga class. Oh yah, I had a great class last night. I remembered that it's my choice - it can be heaven or it can be hell. All of it, every class whether difficult, painful, whatever - it's my choice to make it heaven or hell. I smiled in camel and did two sets. :) I love my perfect suffering whatever it is for the day. I choose to simply be interested in what I fear, love and hate rather than form an opinion. This is after all, my safe room.
I designate my yoga studio a safe room. A place where I can try something that is beyond me. A place where I can safely fail on a daily basis and multiple times in 90 minutes. A place where I can smile at that failure and inch closer with every class even when it doesn't seem like I've moved forward and in some cases it seems like I moved backward. I am safe to love it, hate it, ignore it - and still it will always welcome me back with open arms and no judgement. A place where I can let go of being hard on myself and safely navigate learning how to be human and have compassion for myself in addition to my strong sense of personal responsibility to others and my strong work ethic for myself. Honestly, it's a place where I have the opportunity to be safe from myself.
When I first started Bikram yoga, it immediately became a safe room. I was so bad at it that the perfectionist in me wasn't even given a chance to survive the hot room and I had no ego left at that point with regard to my body. I think as I got better and time went on, Little Ms. Perfectionist crept back in to my safe room I must have left the door open one day. Lord knows every now and then you have to air out that hot yoga room! My ego began having a hard time believing I'm not further along in this or that posture - "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" and my goodness if I am now going to have goals in this then I need to work harder and beyond compassion for myself. Screwball loose in brain (as Bikram would say) says if I don't reach perfect, don't work hard, don't prove I'm worthy or at least distract them with a song and dance - no one will love me. No one but more specifically me.
That's what's called a negative self-belief. You know one of those things you grow up believing in when you are kid that gets you through and serves you as a child but no longer is the truth as an adult. Honestly, not sure how true it was as a kid but it was safe at the time. It was safer believing that I had to somehow prove myself to get love than to believe that a parent (because of their own inabilities) didn't really love me. In addition to this negative self-belief is it's lovely counter-part - that I wasn't good enough to save my loved ones from themselves. I figured this one out a few months ago but didn't realize they were so linked.
I am working on new beliefs. 1) There is no proof in love. I mean really - how do prove something so amazingly complex and beautiful and equally terrifying as love? Sometimes we love beyond all reason and there is no proof, no action, no words to even come close to explaining. It's really not fair to expect myself to constantly do a song and dance either and I'm sure that's a two way street and part of me "expects" proof from others. That's really not nice. It's also not about being in the moment either. I mean I can't love fully in the moment if I am keeping score of the past and constantly expecting of the future? 2) Be in the moment whatever that is and let the rest go 3) Only I can save myself and the same goes for everyone else. We are the captains of our own ships. However, it is helpful to have shipmates as well as trust and faith in the stars/God/Universe that it all just works out for the best. :)
Yes, all this from a 90 minute yoga class. Oh yah, I had a great class last night. I remembered that it's my choice - it can be heaven or it can be hell. All of it, every class whether difficult, painful, whatever - it's my choice to make it heaven or hell. I smiled in camel and did two sets. :) I love my perfect suffering whatever it is for the day. I choose to simply be interested in what I fear, love and hate rather than form an opinion. This is after all, my safe room.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
82.5/159: Good to be back
I went back to class Monday night and it was good to be back. I can't say it "felt" good but there was something to that first time back after a break. The form of the posture always seems more real or defined as opposed to when I practice daily. I was better than I though I would be and didn't mind looking at myself in the mirror as much as I thought I would. I'm having a really hard time with camel. My heart goes a millions miles a minute the minute I relax my head back. What's up - I was loving this posture for the longest time??? Oh well, I enjoyed a nice long savasana.
I was non-stop busy at work that yesterday I don't think I even drank 1 glass of water so there was no yoga for me in the evening. Still busy today but at least I've had half of my normal intake so feel like I'm hydrated enough. Even if I weren't, I think I'd still go. I need to decompress.
I was non-stop busy at work that yesterday I don't think I even drank 1 glass of water so there was no yoga for me in the evening. Still busy today but at least I've had half of my normal intake so feel like I'm hydrated enough. Even if I weren't, I think I'd still go. I need to decompress.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Anticipation...
"Anticipation. Anticipa -a- tion."
I find it interesting that the opening to that song by Carly Simon opens with these words...
"We can never know about the days to come, But we think about them anyway, And I wonder if I'm really with you now, Or just chasing after some finer day." Point taken... be in the moment. Your perfect day is the one you decide is perfect for the moment. The finer day is now.
It's been a week without yoga. I will be honest and say that I did not miss the yoga practice or the hot room. I can say that maybe, just maybe today I'm beginning to consider that it might feel good to take a class today. I had an impromptu last minute approved week off from work last week. I promptly spent every second of said vacation playing construction worker slash CLEAN HOUSE organizing lady working on my home. Literally non-stop days working on my deck - pressure-washing, staining, using a reciprocating saw to get rid of old boards, installing new ones, staining, hanging plants and gardening, cleaning out the cabinets throwing stuff out, etc, etc, etc. The list kept growing and now I'm back at work and there's still more to do but the deck looks great and will be a lovely oasis for the summer.
I like working with my hands and actually really enjoyed the outdoors stuff I did. I love that I know what a reciprocating saw is and how to use it. Watch out peoples! I found out a few things about myself during the week :
1) I prefer erasing things from my list rather than crossing them off. I like the blank slate and always starting fresh with more room to add to the list. Life application begins here. There is no joy in seeing what I've DONE.
2) There's not much joy in seeing what I WILL DO either.
3) The joy is in the doing.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying." (Shawshank redemption).
Anyway, my vacation from yoga wasn't much of a rest physically for me but today I'm feeling like a hot class with some stretching might feel good. More than anything though, it is the community of people whom I miss most. I must recognize that it is not just the yoga I fell in love with but the people.
Anyways, I'm living my joy today and I'm sticking with that.
I find it interesting that the opening to that song by Carly Simon opens with these words...
"We can never know about the days to come, But we think about them anyway, And I wonder if I'm really with you now, Or just chasing after some finer day." Point taken... be in the moment. Your perfect day is the one you decide is perfect for the moment. The finer day is now.
It's been a week without yoga. I will be honest and say that I did not miss the yoga practice or the hot room. I can say that maybe, just maybe today I'm beginning to consider that it might feel good to take a class today. I had an impromptu last minute approved week off from work last week. I promptly spent every second of said vacation playing construction worker slash CLEAN HOUSE organizing lady working on my home. Literally non-stop days working on my deck - pressure-washing, staining, using a reciprocating saw to get rid of old boards, installing new ones, staining, hanging plants and gardening, cleaning out the cabinets throwing stuff out, etc, etc, etc. The list kept growing and now I'm back at work and there's still more to do but the deck looks great and will be a lovely oasis for the summer.
I like working with my hands and actually really enjoyed the outdoors stuff I did. I love that I know what a reciprocating saw is and how to use it. Watch out peoples! I found out a few things about myself during the week :
1) I prefer erasing things from my list rather than crossing them off. I like the blank slate and always starting fresh with more room to add to the list. Life application begins here. There is no joy in seeing what I've DONE.
2) There's not much joy in seeing what I WILL DO either.
3) The joy is in the doing.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying." (Shawshank redemption).
Anyway, my vacation from yoga wasn't much of a rest physically for me but today I'm feeling like a hot class with some stretching might feel good. More than anything though, it is the community of people whom I miss most. I must recognize that it is not just the yoga I fell in love with but the people.
Anyways, I'm living my joy today and I'm sticking with that.
Friday, May 28, 2010
81.5/146: Living artfully...
As I stare at the blank screen thinking of what to write, the tag line to my blog was staring right back at me. It occurred to me that, recently at least, I have not been living very artfully. I have made lifeless tasks out of the duties of my life. I've made mindless lists of things to do without regard to the meaning and motivation behind them. I keep trying work on my vision collage and goals for life. I often get sidetracked or overwhelmed by the confusion it brings and an hour later give up realizing this project isn't "right" for me right now or at least I am not approaching it with the "right" mentality. I'm right. I'm approaching it as another thing to get off the list and not an opportunity to live artfully. And once something gets crossed off the list do you think that I even celebrate this astonishing miracle? Nope. It gets crossed off the list and probably something else added in its place. How mundane is this? No fun. Old habits die hard I guess. Well, I can change this attitude.
Anyway, yoga was smooth last night. Being in the front of the room keeps me honest and motivates me to do better. Rounding down, clasping my hands in front of me below my knee before I lift the foot in standing head to knee I think will pay off long term in standing head to knee. The alignment is better and works the muscles which need working. Lock the knee? Lock inner calves, thighs, outer thigh and glutes - suck the stomach in and do all this and breathe! ha, ha.
My ankles hurt.
That's it. Happy Memorial day weekend. No yoga planned just working on my deck at home and de-cluttering my home.
Anyway, yoga was smooth last night. Being in the front of the room keeps me honest and motivates me to do better. Rounding down, clasping my hands in front of me below my knee before I lift the foot in standing head to knee I think will pay off long term in standing head to knee. The alignment is better and works the muscles which need working. Lock the knee? Lock inner calves, thighs, outer thigh and glutes - suck the stomach in and do all this and breathe! ha, ha.
My ankles hurt.
That's it. Happy Memorial day weekend. No yoga planned just working on my deck at home and de-cluttering my home.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Day 80.5/145: Getting by...
I'm getting by. For the record, getting by sucks but I guess I can learn to be happy from where I currently am. But let me just have a moment here.... BOO, HOO, HOO and wah!!!!!!!!!! ... ok, I guess I'll smile if I must. Yoga is no fun right now. Honestly, I think the position of my bones are moving... my ankles, hips - they pop... this I am sure will be a good thing in the long run (the moving that is not the popping) but umm... ouch and whoa this is disconcerting. I must learn to just love this I guess. [Grrr. Pout. Twirl around and two year old stomp my foot.]
I'm doing lots of good work clearing out the house - you know getting rid of baggage in life. This is big stuff even if it just seems like little stuff. Seriously, I've got lots of stuff on my to-do list that I'm really not sure I want on there or not. My brain hurts trying to figure out whether this list even belongs to me or not.
I just received my new alarm clock last night from Now and Zen and it is so nice waking up to a bell chiming - a real, lovely sweet sounding chime not some digital imposture from my cell phone. :) I made an attempt to meditate on my lunch hour. Of course, 3 minutes into it I got a phone call from someone I had been playing phone tag with for a job that it turns out I'm not interested in. This is life.
Tonight is 81.5. This weekend I am going to do a half set - that .5 is killing me for whatever reason.
I've decided I am not going to yoga tomorrow after work. I am going to go straight home and have a beer. This might not be considered the healthiest of things to do and you might be shocked to hear me say this - but it is exactly what this little overachiever needs right now.
I'm doing lots of good work clearing out the house - you know getting rid of baggage in life. This is big stuff even if it just seems like little stuff. Seriously, I've got lots of stuff on my to-do list that I'm really not sure I want on there or not. My brain hurts trying to figure out whether this list even belongs to me or not.
I just received my new alarm clock last night from Now and Zen and it is so nice waking up to a bell chiming - a real, lovely sweet sounding chime not some digital imposture from my cell phone. :) I made an attempt to meditate on my lunch hour. Of course, 3 minutes into it I got a phone call from someone I had been playing phone tag with for a job that it turns out I'm not interested in. This is life.
Tonight is 81.5. This weekend I am going to do a half set - that .5 is killing me for whatever reason.
I've decided I am not going to yoga tomorrow after work. I am going to go straight home and have a beer. This might not be considered the healthiest of things to do and you might be shocked to hear me say this - but it is exactly what this little overachiever needs right now.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Day 79.5/144: I did my duty
I had a nice weekend off from yoga. Made a dent in cleaning my house, took a long walk to Castle Island and back. I had a lovely dinner with my husband and watched a funny movie. I really miss my time at home. I did my duty and went to class last night. I have to be honest. I didn't enjoy one posture. Not one. Normally after a few days off the first class back can feel great. Not this one. I was tight in my hips. Pin pricking random pains in my left heel and calf. Limbs felt like a ton of bricks in Backbending. And Camel. Not sure what's going on there but every ounce of self-preservation says don't relax your head back. I keep trying. I did my daily duty. I was tired afterward and turned in at 9 pm.
Head to knee pose in floor seems to be making some progress. Thinking about pushing the backs of my knees into the floor really seems to help. I definitely feel like I am in a tournaquet or a straight jacket more like it! Anyway, there's a little positive there.
I keep trying to get up early to do yoga before going to work and it just isn't happening. I went to bed early but I was still so tired when I woke up this morning. I am blaming it on my new mattress. I just feel like I could lay in bed for a week. I've got another appointment after work today and my husband wants to watch a movie tonight, but perhaps I will see if I can squeeze in a half class at home tonight and get rid of that little half up there in the days.
Head to knee pose in floor seems to be making some progress. Thinking about pushing the backs of my knees into the floor really seems to help. I definitely feel like I am in a tournaquet or a straight jacket more like it! Anyway, there's a little positive there.
I keep trying to get up early to do yoga before going to work and it just isn't happening. I went to bed early but I was still so tired when I woke up this morning. I am blaming it on my new mattress. I just feel like I could lay in bed for a week. I've got another appointment after work today and my husband wants to watch a movie tonight, but perhaps I will see if I can squeeze in a half class at home tonight and get rid of that little half up there in the days.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Day 38: Sense of adventure
I had a wonderful voice lesson yesterday - it was wonderfully random and freeing and it felt so joyous to sing! It was followed by a very good, smooth class. After first savasana it popped into my completely clear head that this "challenge" does not fit my goals as a human being. It's not the yoga, the heat or even the strain (And pain) of going daily ~ but the lack of balance I am experiencing as a result of how I have set this challenge up. 90 classes in 90 days and then what? It sounds alot like all or nothing syndrome as we call it in sparkpeople. You know if I do x,y,z then I'll finally be able to live the way I want to kind of mentality. No thanks. I've been finding myself putting things in life on hold "until I'm done with my challenge". What's the point in that? That doesn't match what I had in mind to learn how to fit my LIFE into my yoga.
So... here's my plan:
I'm feeling good about this change... who knows where it will lead... and I like having a little sense of adventure!
So... here's my plan:
- Count up my days of yoga per the days of the year and see where I end up at the end of the year (this sounds like fun!)
- Strive for a daily practice
- When I can't make it to the hot room and my schedule allows me to make time at home to practice (without losing sleep) - practice at home
- Continue to document my experience here in this blog
- Do doubles when I feel good and I feel like I want and need more practice that week
- Continue to do my very best for that day
- Seek expert advice on how to improve the quality of my practice and my life
- Read the books again
I'm feeling good about this change... who knows where it will lead... and I like having a little sense of adventure!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Day 37: What's the point?
I had a great class yesterday despite my hemming and hawwing about not wanting to go. It's ALWAYS that way and I KNOW it which is why most of the time when I really don't want to go - I go! Anyway, on my way to class I was thinking about goals and how many of them are stale and feel like a ton of bricks on my back. After class, one of the other girls asked how my challenge is going. I said I was on day 37 and a bit behind and that I would need to do a number of doubles or just extend my challenge. It was like she was reading my mind when she said "well the challenge is in learning how to fit this in your life." That is exactly the point of this challenge for me. Why would I expect that I would be perfect? I hold a full-time job, a part-time job, I am a work-study at the studio, I have goals in singing, I have weight-loss goals outside of my yoga practice, I continue therapy which is a lot of work letting go of old baggage and learning how to rethink, I am happily married, I need to cook - clean - and do laundry, organize and de-clutter, I've got to deal with all the other stuff in life you just can't plan for and EVERY ONCE in a WHILE, I'd really like to feel like I have a moment that is not structured and planned! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, the point of this is not to be obsessive-compulsive nor to presume that other people who don't accomplish challenges have busy lives. The point is to experiment with how to find joy in a daily yoga practice and fit the life INTO this lifelong practice. INTO not around. Not separate. Not in nice, little, neat separate boxes. How does it all come together, what do I do? Like the Geoffrey Rush's character in Shakespeare in Love to the question what do I do? "Nothing. Strangely enough it all turns out well. How? I don't know. It's a mystery."
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
You can do it!!! You just have to get to the room...
Writing to encourage myself to get to Day 37. Didn't practice yesterday because I had acupuncture and can't practice afterwards. I could have practiced in the morning at home but it took so darn long to figure out how to get the series on my MP3 player so I could practice without waking up the neighborhood at that early hour that getting up that early actually just didn't happen. Last night I really enjoyed laying in bed reading a wonderful book - The Shack. It was a very different perspective on forgiveness that I enjoyed. I finished the book around 12:30 am. Needless to say, I am tired and not feeling it today. I had a physical training session today that I also didn't feel like going to but felt great afterward. I showed up with all sorts of requests to help strengthen the lower abdominals, hip flexors and ankles to improve my yoga practice! That just makes me laugh. She also showed me how to use the gravitron to learn how to do pull-ups and she showed the CORRECT way to do sit-ups and PUSH-UPS. It was fun.
I haven't had enough water to drink. I just had some espresso with hot chocolate. I'd really rather go home and curl up with this dreary weather outside. I'm not looking forward to all these doubles I have to do. The prospect is discouraging. I'm not looking forward to walking home by myself afterward tonight since I don't have "Effie, the little yellow wonder scooter" today. I'll have to tell you about her sometime if you don't know about my fabulous little moped. I've got to prepare for my voice lesson tomorrow. Long story short - I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA! Not at ALL!
Oh well, it can't hurt me to show up and dip my toes in the water so to speak. Even if I just do 1% of the posture the correct way, I will get some benefit and some benefit is better than none. I'll feel better after and be clear-headed and able to accomplish more when I get home with my music and COOKING. I need food in my house made!
I haven't had enough water to drink. I just had some espresso with hot chocolate. I'd really rather go home and curl up with this dreary weather outside. I'm not looking forward to all these doubles I have to do. The prospect is discouraging. I'm not looking forward to walking home by myself afterward tonight since I don't have "Effie, the little yellow wonder scooter" today. I'll have to tell you about her sometime if you don't know about my fabulous little moped. I've got to prepare for my voice lesson tomorrow. Long story short - I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA! Not at ALL!
Oh well, it can't hurt me to show up and dip my toes in the water so to speak. Even if I just do 1% of the posture the correct way, I will get some benefit and some benefit is better than none. I'll feel better after and be clear-headed and able to accomplish more when I get home with my music and COOKING. I need food in my house made!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Day 36: You are ready to look inward for the answers
"I don't think you really need to look for the answers outside of yourself. I think all the answers you need you already have..." Comment from my teacher last night or something to that effect. She's right. I do know what is best for me, but sometimes I just long for someone to do the work for me and tell me what to do then perhaps I wouldn't need to carry the responsibility. I long for a mentor to guide me but a good mentor rarely answers a question. Every great teacher in all the stories always answers a question with a question or some parable you have to wrack your brain around to understand for yourself. So look inward I must and take responsibility for my life, all of my life, every miniscule little part of it.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Day 34 and 35: Forgiveness
I did my Friday night class. I remember not being hungry afterward. Nothing significant to report other than finally no back pain and I'm ready to add sit-ups back in again. I do still have sharp pains in the left heel, oh well.
No yoga on Saturday. I had a marathon trip flying down to Maryland, driving to and from my sister-in-law's place and back in the same day for a graduation party for my nephew. I ate too much. Sadly I had TWO pieces of chocolate cake with white icing (my favorite) along of course with Lebanon Bologna. If you've never had you must try it, but beware it is very hard to have just one piece. It's a Pennsylvania dutch thing and it is SO good. Can't get it up here. Anyway, needless to say, I ate WAY too much and because of my heel I opted out of playing volleyball which I really would have liked to do. I'm tired of being limited by my body. By 3 pm, I was longing to be in the hot room and missed my yoga.
Sunday's class, though I was tired and not feeling it, was rather good. Sit-ups went fine. The heel wasn't as painful and the teacher ensured me it's just the body getting rid of the junk and I agree. I don't want to hold onto this junk anymore but I am impatient. I was super sleepy afterward and napped most of the night rather than "accomplish" anything. Oh well - who says I need to be accomplished? Hee, hee.
It occurred to me last night that it's not the yoga's fault that I am realizing that my life isn't the way I want it. I am making changes and they are good ones though I find it hard to keep my spirits up sometimes. I want it all fixed NOW, NOW, NOW! Temper tantrum ensues. I suppose it's difficult to NOT turn my disgust with the lifestyle onto myself. I saw some pictures of myself from 3 years ago at the party and wow it is completely evident that I've made some changes. I've lost over 75 pounds since then. I look like I lost half of myself. More importantly though I remember how I thought and how I felt then and I have greatly improved my mental/emotional state. For the first time in my life, I'm not ashamed or guilty about those pictures. I'm sad for that person who lost two important people in her life and didn't know how to truly care for herself and held onto everything in order to find stability at least somewhere. I FORGIVE HER. I forgive the her from then but do I forgive the her from now? You know the one who still can't do some of the yoga postures she's been trying to do for the past year and a half (some not even close) and STILL has another 25 pounds to lose and oh yeah, sadly ate 2 pieces of chocolate cake at a party and new better than to do that??? You know, I think I can find it in my heart to forgive her as I know she is truly doing the best she can under extraordinary circumstances.
No yoga on Saturday. I had a marathon trip flying down to Maryland, driving to and from my sister-in-law's place and back in the same day for a graduation party for my nephew. I ate too much. Sadly I had TWO pieces of chocolate cake with white icing (my favorite) along of course with Lebanon Bologna. If you've never had you must try it, but beware it is very hard to have just one piece. It's a Pennsylvania dutch thing and it is SO good. Can't get it up here. Anyway, needless to say, I ate WAY too much and because of my heel I opted out of playing volleyball which I really would have liked to do. I'm tired of being limited by my body. By 3 pm, I was longing to be in the hot room and missed my yoga.
Sunday's class, though I was tired and not feeling it, was rather good. Sit-ups went fine. The heel wasn't as painful and the teacher ensured me it's just the body getting rid of the junk and I agree. I don't want to hold onto this junk anymore but I am impatient. I was super sleepy afterward and napped most of the night rather than "accomplish" anything. Oh well - who says I need to be accomplished? Hee, hee.
It occurred to me last night that it's not the yoga's fault that I am realizing that my life isn't the way I want it. I am making changes and they are good ones though I find it hard to keep my spirits up sometimes. I want it all fixed NOW, NOW, NOW! Temper tantrum ensues. I suppose it's difficult to NOT turn my disgust with the lifestyle onto myself. I saw some pictures of myself from 3 years ago at the party and wow it is completely evident that I've made some changes. I've lost over 75 pounds since then. I look like I lost half of myself. More importantly though I remember how I thought and how I felt then and I have greatly improved my mental/emotional state. For the first time in my life, I'm not ashamed or guilty about those pictures. I'm sad for that person who lost two important people in her life and didn't know how to truly care for herself and held onto everything in order to find stability at least somewhere. I FORGIVE HER. I forgive the her from then but do I forgive the her from now? You know the one who still can't do some of the yoga postures she's been trying to do for the past year and a half (some not even close) and STILL has another 25 pounds to lose and oh yeah, sadly ate 2 pieces of chocolate cake at a party and new better than to do that??? You know, I think I can find it in my heart to forgive her as I know she is truly doing the best she can under extraordinary circumstances.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Day 32 AND 33: Double whammy!
I did a double last night. Haven't done one in a while. This was a good one. I wasn't too tight in the second class which tends to be a problem for me with back to back doubles (I cool down so quick that I tend to get tight). Pranayama is always so weird in the second class. It takes half way through the first set to just say "ok, this is weird, deal!" Second class was actually better than the first. I did my triangle and my camel! I must take time to set triangle up properly and go into it slow, lining it up. 90 degrees - no less! Arms out like open heart surgery, fingers to the toes, elbow in front of knee, stretch away! Camel just hurts right now, but I really feel like if you don't do these two postures you don't get the payoff at the end of the class like you do when you do them even if you a only do a little! Tonight there is no sitting out, I don't care if I have to just do a little of everything. I need EVERY... SINGLE... POSTURE and BOTH sets.
At the end of savasana second class, my heart just opened up and it came to me that I don't need to worry any more and can just leave all that up to God. I can receive and have faith in the path before me.
Breath is my only focus for the next week. Keeping my breath smooth, even and calm and never going so far beyond that I feel I must quit. Now is not the time for me to PUSH beyond but to build faith and strength so I can push later. On a small note, I am experimenting in Standing Head to Knee with waiting to lift the leg until I am already rounded down and my clasped hands are ready to grab the foot. Let's see how this affects alignment.
Last note, I slept so wonderfully in my new mattress last night. It was like getting a massage from my mattress. Yeah! Only problem is that I don't want to get out of bed!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Day 31: Yoga truck ramblings...
I was really sleepy afterward. Went to bed by 9:15, woke up at 5 am to take care of those 2 glasses of water I drank before bed and then slept until 7 am. I'm still sleepy.
I can't practice on Saturday because I'm going out of town so tonight I am going to attempt a double with my broken body. I will go slow.
I joined a free gym membership for this month through my work building so I'm going to go use the ellyptical for a little and then sit in the steam room at lunch. Ah, steam room - can't wait! Something new to look forward to!
The most boringest blog ever.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Day 30: The Ponytails and Pineapples Equation
IF
THEN
MUST BE TRUE!
How do you like them apples??? Wrap your brain around that! Should be up for a Nobel Peace Prize next year, I think. I had no idea I was such a mathematical wizard.
Well, this is what my brain looks like on yoga. Could be worse.
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