Day 20: Chicken and the Egg

So it's the story of the chicken and the egg.  Did I feel better last night and then do better in class as a result, or did I do better in class and then feel better as a result?  Hmmm.  Maybe both SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Anyway, it was nice to have the gift of an enjoyable class.  I felt energetic and good for rest of the night but here I am again feeling pretty low today.  Up and down, Up and down.  Get me off this roller coaster ride. 
"Feelings, nothing more than feelings...".  Well, if I'm trying to fit my life to yoga then I hope yoga has lots of room for all the baggage my life is lugging around these days.

I'm looking forward to the simple pleasure of the warm room, laying in savasana, being surrounded by some amazing human beings today. 

DAY 19: If I don't kill myself, do I still get the benefit?

I crashed last night.  Mind says to body "lift leg."  Body starts to lift leg and immediately responds "No! It's too heavy."  Mind says "Ridiculous.  You did it last night.  It wasn't too heavy then?"  Body says "That was then, this is now."  Mind says "Lift leg."  Body says "F you!"  Mind says "I hate you."  Body says "I hate you too!"  Spirit/soul says "I hate myself.  Why can't I do this? What's wrong with me?  I'm not trying hard enough.  I'm being a weenie. I guilty of not working hard enough."  About to sob after cobra and realized this is ridiculous.  It's one class out of many I will have in my lifetime of a yogini and I DO NOT hate myself because for whatever reason I just crashed in class.  I don't even care if the reasons were my fault or not - not enough water, sleep or whatever.  It doesn't matter. 

Did I get benefit from going to that class? Yes. I think I get benefit the minute I show up and pranayama begins and I do my best to stay in the room.  How much benefit though is up to me and my decision to do it the right way and then on top of it how far into the pose I go with the right way. Now the question is that class with less benefit worth taking?  Only if I think it will detract from the next class.  That is not the case here.  There is no injury I need worry about.  I can drink more water today. I could still crash today and still receive benefit.  Reminds me of something Rajashree said in a weekend seminar I took last January - "now, it's up to you.  How exciting do you want to make it?"  Get into the right way of the posture and then decide how deep you are going to go.

Is this called pacing yourself?  Maybe.

Day 18: Energy Improvement

Late class last night.  I had lots of time before to read and drink water then arrived early and warmed up in the room.  Why is it so cold out at the end of April???  Anyway, at the end as I lay in Savasana I thought to myself "how nice to just take time, not feel rushed or like I should be doing x,y, and z instead - take time to just be where I am.  Enjoy the MOMENT." I had forgotten. So easily the simple things are forgotten.

Despite not getting much sleep last night as my honey is up all night coughing with a cold, I am surprisingly feeling better energy wise. I am hoping taking iron supplements has been the answer.  I will still take it easy today and enjoy the moments doing the best I can in each.

Day 17: A few days behind now

I'm a few days behind in my challenge now.  I took off on Friday to go to a Red Sox Game which was super-duper fun with some fabulous yoginis.  Next day I woke up and it's like all energy in my body was gone.  Body did not have it and said NO -or my mind wimped out and decided to "feel" that way - not sure I trust either of them to tell me the truth right now.  I didn't even want to go to church the next morning to sing. Moi?  Had a sore throat, stuffy head probably from allergies.  I ended up going because I couldn't just leave my fellow alto section sing that big bad Britten piece alone.  Got home from church and crashed again.  WHINE, WHINE, WHINE!

I'm dragging myself to work in the mornings now.  Went to yoga last night and muddled through.  I concentrated on doing my daily duty one posture at a time.  Nothing fantastic happened other than I made it through the class which I guess isn't anything to sneeze at.  I've decided that until the fatigue passes away I am just going to concentrate on going, taking it easy so that I make it through the classes and to the next one at least until my energy returns. Then I can start to THINK about doubles.

I've started taking iron supplements in addition to B-12 and potassium.  Hopefully this will help with the fatigue.  Otherwise, to the Doctor I go.  I'm sick of doctors and blood tests and work.

Uck. Yuck. Blagh! Patooey!  Someone made me smile after class last night and I am thankful for that reminder.  Sometimes I like holing up and wallowing methinks too much.

Day 15 plus 16: The Yoga Hangover Tango

From Wikipedia: "In Tango, the steps are typically more gliding, but can vary widely in timing, speed, and character, and follow no single specific rhythm.  Because the dance is led and followed at the level of individual steps, these variations can occur from one step to the next.  This allows the dancers to vary the dance from moment to moment to match the music (which has both legato and/or staccato elements) and their mood." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tango_(dance)

I'm just over a sixth of a way through my challenge now.  Yah, that's sad that I had to go and do the math but this is that stage of any challenge of doing something consistent where fatigue, boredom, restlessness and MOOD seems important.  I have begun to question well pretty much everything.  I question myself, my friends, my choices, question the yoga and my approach to it.  I question my place in this world, do I belong, what am I doing here, how did I get here, where am I going next?  Notice how very few of those questions have anything to do with the present moment except that they are what I am pondering presently.

I reminded myself in my first class last night to TRUST in doing it the right way.  The thing is doing it the right way does not give immediate benefit or at least in a way that it registers to my mind and my eyes.  In fact, it does the opposite.  The right way is harder and looks sloppy because I fall out a lot at first and lose my breath and even some of my self-control.  It immediately challenges whatever ego I have.  I build muscles and the breath in order to maintain the posture longer.  I build for something that will happen in the future in ITS good old time.  I am sore from the right way.  I experience pain and question what could possibly be "right" about this.  All the while, I have to remember to not only to trust this process but to ENJOY it. This is fucking crazy.  How did I do this a year ago when I was 40-50 pounds heavier and never could grab my foot in standing head to knee, or get my hips between my feet in fixed firm, or get my knee to a 90 degree angle and hold it in triangle - and countless other things? I just had faith and when I didn't, I borrowed it from my teachers, mentors and fellow yogis - I let them take the lead.

Now I can do these things regularly and I still question whether this will work or not?  I built up all these reasons to have faith and I forget???  It must be the short-term memory loss thing mentioned in the BIKRAM 101 blog for why would someone torture themselves for 90 minutes and crave coming back the next day.  You forget the pain because of how good you feel.  What do you do when you don't get that feel good feeling though?  You wake up with the hot yoga hangover.  You begin the hydration process all over again.  You had cramps in your feet this morning.  You had shoulder tendonitis in the previous night's class (which miraculously is not there this morning???).  Your knees are sore.  You're irritable, needy, whiny. What do you do?

You do the Yoga Hangover Tango of course!  All right, maybe I'm delirious but this idea seems to be lifting my spirits.  Steps are gliding varying in timing, speed and character and follow no specific rhythm.  How do you know it's the Tango?  The close frame of each of the dancers to each other - the one form they make, how one dancer relinquishes the lead but yet both follow each other intuitively.  The dance is highly individual and breathtakingly in the moment with variation in the steps, the music and the mood.

We glide through class with poise.  The timing, speed, and character (heat and energy of the room, teacher) change from class to class. There is a rhythm to the dialogue but it varies with the teacher and you never know what tempo will be taken or what new instrument (of torture!) will be added on a whim.  I keep a close frame to my partner(s) - who I was, who I am and who I will be - body, mind and spirit - and we dance.  We dance the TANGO.  The moods range from lover's quarrel, revenge, to exctasy and bliss.  The posture and the dialogue take the lead and the rest follows intuitively.  Sometimes we fall over each others feet and it takes time to lock into each other and find that intuition.  But when we do find each other, give way to TRUST and the MOMENT, no matter what the mood or the outcome, I am sure it is a breathtaking dance to watch.

Looking forward to the next dance now?

ARGH - just need to blog

So it's part of my experience and I just need to get it out of my system.  I'm a mess.  A complete mess. This always happens when I am about to metamorphasize so don't worry I'm not jumping out any windows soon but opening them up and airing out the room sounds good. 

To lay it out on the table: 

Okay well, not.  I started listing all the things WRONG with my life and me and realized who the hell would want to see that laundry list?  Besides the gist is this:  The current distance between my present "dream of life" and where I envision and desire my life to be is too far.  From work, family, friends down to having clean underwear - the distance is too great.

What's scary is that this vision is so different from even 3 years ago that I wonder if making any changes are even worth it when I seem to change my mind so freakin' dramatically??? 

Why am I doing this 90 day challenge?  It's such a rigid practice. It's so demanding. A challenge is such a pushy thing to do. It seems so opposite of what I have been working on - finding rest and peace, achieving balance and variety in my life.  This is an experiment.  The hypothesis is that if I can find balance and variety, rest and peace in this practice - then perhaps I can find it throughout the rest of my life.  The challenge isn't necessarily the yoga, although it is definitely KICKING MY ASS right now.  I mean I am even having difficulty breathing particularly now that I am sticking my stomach MORE in.  Anyway, the challenge is figuring out how to fit the life into-around-through the yoga practice.  Judgemental mind is saying "you are not doing a very good job of it".

I'm just not balancing very well right now which I, of course, immediately internalize into not liking myself or my life (two very broad terms) very much.  Typical response.  Can we say amplify the experience much"

Sigh. Time to go back to my mantra that was with me from the beginning of all my lifestyle changes in JUNE 2008 - "I am always kindler and gentler with myself and treat myself with tender, loving care."

Feel better now - the fresh air is now permeating the room of my life and if I've got to knock down walls and redecorate later - then fine, so be it.

Day 14: I got nothing for ya.

F$%#! Hell. That's all I got. No insight.

Day 0: Acupuncture

Laying on the table, I realized that I really miss practicing Qigong and some of the less-structured energy work that I used to do.  Some days I really resist my yoga practice or my mind just wants to get it done and over with because I have just had ENOUGH of structure in my life and would really like to lead a more care-free LADILADIDA life!  I can choose to apply this attitude to my yoga practice.  I can apply it to my running program that I keep procrastinating on. (Grrr.) It takes a little bit of mindfulness and silly effort.

Well, with the dentist and acupuncture I am down two and two doubles are in my future.  I am not going to stress about them though and will get them in when I'm good and ready.  I am still battling fatigue.  I am so tired at night after class and I am sleeping hard.  I feel like I could sleep an entire week straight and still be tired.  I have no choice but to listen to my body.  I am battling a little anemia and it will take a few days to set things right.  Vegetarian is not in my cards for a little while.  It's something I need to research more to make sure I get my B-12 and Iron. Nonetheless, I am hoping in a few days my energy will return to normal.  The double I planned tonight will turn into one class and a run instead.  I'll grab the double another week since I am definitely doubling on Thursday.

Day 13: Starting from scratch

Any time I try something new, I really feel like I am starting all over again.  I am tired again like I was when I first started Bikram.  I just want to fall into bed when I get home.  Sometimes in class, I feel myself losing my breath and even getting a little panicky.  Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed on occasion.

It occurred to me that perhaps I am trying to incorporate too many new things all at once.  But isn't it true, that once you are enlightened you want to just be perfect at it right away. PPPPPPPPPPPPPP.  This is a lifelong process and I trust it.  I can just have faith that this hard work pays off.

I'm off today for an acupuncture appointment so a double tomorrow.

Day 12: Adapt and/or die

Part of the reason this yoga practice is so transformative (beyond the fact that you start working on the spine from pranayama to the last posture) is that it allows you to experience the learning curve and FREQUENTLY.  The Darwin quote goes something like "It is not the strongest species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change."  Whether you like or don't like Darwin, adapting to change is something us human beings at some point in our lives must do and do frequently.  It can be the cause of torment and emotional upheaval or one can learn to adapt, "trust the process" and allow the learning curve or adaptation to happen. 

This practice forces me to go through the process frequently.  Now I recognize it as it is happening as before I did not.  I used to listen to my monkey mind serve up all my sensations as reasons that something must be wrong... it hurts here, I couldn't breathe it must have been too hot, my heart is beating too fast I didn't pace myself, and the occasional "OH, that teacher pushes too hard!" ... blah, blah, blah.   I can recognize this all as the resistance to change.  Slowly but surely I am learning to just GO for the ride.

I tried applying a few things from the posture clinic yesterday in class today.  Sucking the stomach in MORE for the breathing and taking deep breaths before the postures followed by the 80/20 breathing technique.  I also focused on squeezing the ankles and therefore inner muscles of the legs together.  I also worked on the triceps and pushing the fingertips to the toes and the body away in locust.  Add all these new things together and my heart and lungs revolted!  Heart beating so fast and so loud.  Lost my breath and even breathed through my mouth a few times! It was a good death in service of change.  Monkey mind was busying serving up sensations but I just kept going the best I could - other than the dizzies in triangle and sitting out on a set there, I just kept doing the best I could.

I wish I could say I could see the change immediately but again I am learning to not look for the results.  This is something that takes time - patience.

DAY 10 and 11 and Posture Clinic with Esak Garcia

I did my daily duty yesterday and took class.  No doubles.  I'll get to my double when I am good and ready.  Afterwards I realized how I have just been taking LIFE just a little too seriously lately- at least I don't go down the dark path for long!   I used to go down tunnels and furrow for miles.  Maybe that's why my rabbit pose rarely is a struggle!  It doesn't feel good to be bitter about things and hold onto ANGST nor does it feel good to be hyper-sensitive about the little things in life.  It certainly doesn't help the yoga practice any either.

More and more I am learning to shed the NEED to have an ego.  I've gone so long holding on to my little scrap of self-esteem and ego as if it were important to have one.  Is it really?  Self-confidence, faith in yourself as a child of God - I'll go there, but not sure I need that ego as much as I thought I needed to have one.  It's also too easy to be ashamed of having an ego but never self-confidence and faith which is rooted in the more fluid JOY and personal development as opposed to the ego which is rooted in fear.

Okay, went on a tangent there. So today was Day 11 and I took class at Bikram Yoga Quincy with guest teacher Esak Garcia followed by a 4 hour posture clinic.  I must say it is so important to change it up and go to different studios and hear different teachers deliver the dialogue.  Change of environmnent, adjusting to the energy of a new space and how your yoga feels in it plus just the different sound of someone's voice following their timing and rhythm keeps you engaged in a new way.  He was fabulous and very genuine.  His direction was exactly what I needed at this time for my practice. 

In the class, he stressed breathing and maintaining stillness and calm both in the postures and most importantly in between the postures.  His themes for the posture clinic were Normal Breathing, Back Bending particularly including the THORACIC part of the spine (upper), followed by HATHA YOGA and how the symmetry in the postures as well as the series.  We spent considerable amount of time exploring NORMAL BREATHING which IS 80/20 breathing.  The dialogue sets it up every time - demonstrations on Half Moon Side Bending, Standing Head to Knee and floor Bow.

Take aways for me are that the breathing allows you to access the strength in your muscles to hold the postures longer, that it might be incredibly difficult at first but working in this way allows you to build the strength in doing it the right way - and you CLEARLY know what muscles need to build! Sucking the stomach in provides resistance to the diaphragm muscle in order to strengthen it and is part of this breathing, being particularly cognizant of controlling the breath at the beginning of the inhale and exhale.  Great note for standing head to knee is to squeeze the ankles together and thus the inner legs/thighs in pranayama flexing the anterior tibialis (there was a massage therapist there who told him what the muscles were called and he enjoyed saying it over and over again to our delight) then applied it to standing head to knee.  Difficult to sustain for me right now but really adding some more stability to my balance.  I got a tip on locust engaging the tricep muscles by reaching the fingertips down to the toes and shifting the body forward. I will remember to let the deltoid muscle brush my cheek and travel along the jaw to the chin in Standing Bow and work to kick my toes to be in line with my standing foot.  We also explored what that shoulder in line felt like before doing standing bow.  We played a game of "find the cramp" learning to engage the back muscles in standing bow and watched the upper spine muscles "percolate" when fatigued in balancing stick.  We saw for ourselves Ha-Tha in action and the tournaquet effect of the postures with delight. 

So much to absorb but for tonight - I'm tired... sore in the stomach (from sucking my stomach in), the scapula and upper spine, the lower back from "find the cramp" and in my anterior tibialis; however, it's a good sore and looking forward to exploring it again tomorrow.

Day 9: Dialogue according to Monkey Mind.

Pranayama -

Toes and Heels together...Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Half Moon with Hands to Feet Pose ...

stretch up, bend to the side and push your hips.... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Breathe.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change. Bend to the other side.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Don't be scared, relax your head back, immediately arms back.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Grab your heels.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Ibid.

Utkatasana ...

6 inches apart. Sit down in the chair.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Stand up on your tippy toes. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Knees down.  Go all the way down, all the way down. Half inch gap (FUCK!). BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Come back up slowly without leaning forward (FUCK!). BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Ibid.

Hold off on water.  One more posture and we have a break.

Eagle pose, Garurasana ...

Right from left, don't mix them up. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. In one line, upper body back. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change. Left under right. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Wrap the left toes. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Party time.

Something about balancing series.

Dandayamana BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Shift your weight to your left leg, round down, interlock your fingers in front of you and pick up your foot. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

CHANGE. Shift your weight to your right leg. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. CHANGE.

Ibid.

Balancing Stick Pose...

when you hear the clap it's over. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Leg up body, down. CHANGE. Step forward with your left leg. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. CHANGE. Arms at your side. Breathe.

Ibid.

Dandayamana Bibhaktapada BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

Feet pigeon toed. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Pulling is the object of stretching. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Lock your knees and Roll forward like a wheel. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Right foot back.

Ibid.

Trikanasana...

Everything has prepared you for this one. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Parallel to the floor. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Left leg locked, left foot locked. Change.

Ibid except right leg locked, right foot flat.

Dandayamana Bibhaktapada BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH stretching pose...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Hips in one line. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Throat choked. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Weight in your right leg.BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Come up first then turn to your left 180 degrees. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Come up then turn to the front.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. 

Ibid.

Tree pose...

Take one step to the right to your mat. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. High up on your costume. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Otherwise do another set of tree pose. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Knees in line. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Come up the same way you went into the posture. (my knees aren't bent when I go in but always are on the way out. Oops.) Shoulders in one line. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change.

Ibid.

(Wow that went quick).

Have a drink of water and lay down for SAVASANA...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Relax. Relax. Relax. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. (Meditate on my breathing).

Wind removing pose...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. SAVASANA. 20 seconds. Ibid.

our first SITUP.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Cobra pose...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Cobra tail. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Belly button off the ground. (Nope). BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Deltoids in the mirror? BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Look up. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Ibid.

Locust pose...

Arms underneath your body. Elbows as close together as possible. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Mouth on the towel. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Toes together heels out. Ibid.

Airplane wings...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Arms up. Arms back. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Only your hips on the floor. (Nope) BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Ibid.

Poorna Salabhasana ...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Wrists straight. (?) BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Roll body weight forward. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Bring knees back to 6 inches apart. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Lift up, look up. Change.

Push up to FIXED FIRM...

Good time to have a drink of water but sit on your heels first. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Be careful with your knees.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Hips on floor touching heels. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Feet straight line. Right elbow. left elbow. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change. SAVASANA - BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Ibid.

Half Tortoise...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Slowly. Forehead touches first then the pinkies. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. SAVASANA. Ibid.

CAMEL Ustrasana...

Knees 6 inches apart. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Push your hips forward. Relax your head back. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Put your hands back on your hips and push back up. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. SAVASANA. Ibid.

RABBIT ...

Wrap the towel over your feet. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Deepest forward bend. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Do not move your head in the posture. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Slowly curl back up. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. SAVASANA. Ibid.

Janushirasana with Paschimottanasana ...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Roll to the left side.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Roll to the right side. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Lay back and quickly come back up. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Heels up off the ground and pull. SAVASANA. Ibid.

Spine Twisting Pose...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  H-E-E-L. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change. H-E-E-L. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Look back to the mirror. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Change. SAVASANA.

Khapalbhati Blowing in Firm ...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Relax the stomach muscles. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Sharp Exhales. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. 5-4-3-2-1. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Faster this time. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Lay back in Savasana.

SAVASANA - Two minutes. Relax your BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

That's the dialogue in complete.  What do you think all you teacher trainees???  Don't you think this would be better???  Just kidding.  It was the weirdest thing last night just being so preoccupied and going yeah, yeah get to it.  I rarely have these experiences.  But literally this is what the dialogue sounded like to me and it SO was not the teacher's fault.  Just my monkey mind.   Isn't it funny what sticks out to you when you are just having a class when you are going through the motions and you are anywhere but where you are???  I always heard CHANGE and SAVASANA!
~ Ladiladida

Day 0: Dentist

I slept so well after the previous nights class and my body felt so relaxed that I did not get up early for the early am class which was my best shot of get the yoga done that day.  Had a dentist appointment (now my teeth are sparkling clean) and it was the first night in ages that my husband didn't have something to go to so I DECIDED to not practice yoga yesterday.  I ran while he had his teeth cleaned (something I procrastinate on doing but need to get to it since I am doing a 5K at the end of June and I've never even ran a mile!)  Easy run for a change then we went to the library which was such a joy to do since I don't ever get to go any more.  Nonetheless, I am one behind now.  It bothers me.  I don't really like doing doubles and my body really craved the yoga yesterday. 

My plan is to do my regular practice tonight, clean the studio, sleep and come right back for the am class followed by the 5:30 class after work. Then this weekend I am going to take class with Esak Garcia - anyone ever taken class with him?  This will be followed by a 4 hour posture clinic with him.  All day yoga on what is expected to be a yucky and cold rainy day!  Perfect in my opinion.  If the double doesn't work out tomorrow than Sunday it will be instead.  "Nice and loose, comfortable, easy and flexible." Even with my calendar.

Day 8: No judgement

No judgement.  I tried the best for today.  Went through discomfort just to the threshold of pain in my knees, hips, hip flexors, and lower back. I feel like there is an IV drip of fluid going into my knees and it doesn't feel good but who says making changes will always feel good.  In fact, there is a reason they say growing PAINS.

No judgement. Tomorrow the slate is wiped clean.

Days 5, 6, 7 - Back to normal and beyond

I'm on a little yoga high hence why I am writing this blog at 5 am.  I woke up at 4:40 wide awake.  Might as well get up and do something.  I got a little behind on my blogs and rather than a blow by blow I am just going to say that the past three classes have been phenomenal.  I'm not sure where its coming from perhaps that proverbial gas station.  I am reinvigorated with my practice and see hope of improvement after a long spurt of really nothing new.  You get out what you put in and I am returning to some old values I had in the beginning of my practice a year ago. 

I am reminded of how important the set-up in the posture it is, getting into the posture but slowly feeling my way to MAX-I-MUM, and equally how important it is at the end to turn it on and then HOLD it.  This tweaking makes a big difference in overall development and man I thought I wouldn't be able to get up from savasana at the end.  But then a few minutes went by, I absorbed my benefit and then float away on cloud nine.  Recovery feels better and is quicker too.  Again, the more honestly you put in, you get back twofold.

Randomly, I woke up this morning thinking about friendship and my mom and grandmother who passed away a few years ago.  I recently had a performance that was pretty important that no one I knew showed up to see me sing.  It made me question myself, friendship and my priorities in my life.  Kind of like if a tree falls in the middle of the woods and no one hears it - is it still sound?  Well, if I perform and no one is there to specifically hear me - is it still a worthwhile performance to me?  It made me think of the two people in my life who always came to my performances to hear me growing up- my Mom and my Grandmother.  Both gone now.   Being such a performer, it has been a challenge to re-learn how to just enjoy my craft regardless of result or expected judgement or even audience.  The parallel to yoga is so striking to me now and how it has helped me find that path. 

I keep trying in standing head to knee.  I'm pretty sure I'm trying the right way.  I fall out constantly, but I just keep getting back in having FAITH that one day I will have developed the muscles in my legs enough to lock the standing leg while supporting the weight of my rounded forward body and that I WILL be able to grab underneath the foot without doing funky things to make that happen.  I have the SELF-CONTROL to back off when it causes PAIN in my knees but the DETERMINATION to continue despite discomfort.  I have the CONCENTRATION to keep trying to lock the knee until the abs and hip flexors are strong enough to lift the raised leg to parallel to the floor without using the strength of my arms. Finally, I have the PATIENCE to keep trying until all is stable enough to then kick out using the power of the raised leg and core strength to lift the body to a flat back and finally THEN to round forward again to bring the head to the knee. 

All of these things I am not sure I would do just for the sheer result of creating this amazing picture of a posture.  To me, there is certain JOY (and equal agony LOL) in my daily duty to try.  I'm not a bad person because I can't do it and others can.  My ego need not be bruised.  I simply do my daily duty and, like the water wearing away at rock, the result happens.  These fundemental pathways to truth of FAITH, SELF-CONTROL, DETERMINATION, CONCENTRATION and PATIENCE can be applied in every part of life.  Having strived for learning how to sing all my life and perform, it is finally clear to me that these truths have been at work all this time and now I allow myself to enjoy my daily duty within it.

Geez, all this from 3 yoga classes.  :)

Day 4 Show up ... you never know what you can do.

I didn't go yesterday.  I chose to stay out late with some friends, didn't get enough sleep and woke up with a sore throat so didn't get myself to the early am class which is the only I could get to.  I toyed with doing a home practice that night but didn't.  My choice.  I will do a double on Sunday.

Today, I didn't "feel" like going.  I had planned to actually run to yoga and then stretch it out in the class.  I couldn't find my running outfit. Monkey mind said just practice at home.  Then, I don't know what happened I got angry.  I just was pissed at myself.  I grabbed my stuff, rode off on my scooter to class.  I just wanted to kill my lower-case self. I needed a good ass-whooping from my higher SELF.  I looked in the mirror this practice.  Really looked.  I loved my Self and let my self go. 

I rocked this class!  Front Row. Every posture 110%.  The right way.  I kept saying to myself "you never know what you can do... you've got nothing to lose, you never had anything to begin with"!

On a side note, it was really cool that Michelle Kwan - olympic champion figure skater took her first Bikram yoga class on the mat right behind me!  This yoga is an equalizer.  We are all human beings on our own separate journeys yet together sweating, suffering and evolving into a greater form of ourselves in 90 minutes.  How cool is that?!!!  I am always excited when someone new is behind me.  It inspires me and I always have an amazing practice because I want to be the best of myself and share my love and energy for this practice with someone new who needs it.  Sometimes I check on the newbies in the mirror behind me but honestly, I was too busy killing myself to bother even for her!  I wasn't positive it was her until after she left anyway, but she was very nice, normal and I truly hope she continues to practice for her own healing.

As I listened to the teacher explain something about back bending to her after class, everything he was saying was on the tip of my tongue.  On my way home, it became clear to me that this IS my calling.  To guide someone to healing through this practice ... to see others find the truth of themselves in the mirror.  As a performer, I've always felt my role was to hold up the mirror to the audience for them to see their own humanity.  Through whatever song or character I portrayed - they would see some truth of themselves in that performance.  But add healing to that performance and this yoga and its dialogue  - It is such a direct mirror for enlightenment, for anyone seeking the truth.

Whew! How will I ever sleep tonight?

I'm in it now...

After all that hemming and hawing, I'm back to normal and I'm in the business now.  It is amazing how quick the body can recover.  There is still recovery to be done, but one can always recover in the posture.  I sat out one set of triangle, but was determined to do at least a little of it in the second set so I could get that much needed benefit.  It worked and I think it was a very respectable triangle even if I do say so myself.  Camel is killing me the most but again I just made myself try. 

The mantra for last night's Day 2 class was "you never know what you can do until you do it".  Translation - get in the beginning of the posture.  Get to it.  The hardest part sometimes is just the waiting between postures.  There's too much time to listen to the monkey mind.  Anyway, it worked for me last night and it was incredible progess from day 1 to 2.

It's so much easier when I just play Instructor say, Me Do - and nothing in between!

Starting from scratch - Day 1, again!

So after day one last week, I went home not feeling right and that pain in my backside got worse and worse and worse until finally - explosion. I ended up having the flu and the worst I've had it since I was a kid. I had a fever up to 102 degrees on and off for three whole days. It was enough to zap the will to live from me.

Finally, last night - a week and a day later - I was able to return to yoga. Tuesday morning was the first morning I woke up and my body agreed that it missed yoga. So off I went. It was scary. I decided to take it easy and see how it goes. I was really wondering whether this was the right time to go start a 90 day streak and it might take me longer than expected to recover from this flu.

Class was rough. Dizzy's from standing bow on through the rest of the class. Limbs heavy. Really HEAVY. Deep compression forward or back wasn't happening but the little I did I'm sure did me good. Half way through I thought to myself that if I had an ego before it most certainly is gone now. It dawned on me, that perhaps that is what I needed anyway. Maybe that flu was all part of the plan to teach me humanity and to learn 1) to have more compassion for myself 2) to have compassion for others but perhaps not in the way I might before 3) to let go of any accomplishment necessary in my practice. There is no end journey, no goal to aspire to but yet there is. Of course, we all look to make progress in a posture here or there, but it is not concrete like all those goal-setting books make it. It just happens one day. Then it might not the next and then it happens another day until that's the norm.

I made it through the class. One high point is that I did have the best eagle I've had to date. Got both feet wrapped! Then, I was able to get it all in line somehow still breathing and keeping my balance. Whoah. Where did that come from? I was struggling with that for a while. I remember last year wondering if I'd ever be able to wrap that foot? And then, there, suddenly, during probably one of worst classes -there it was!

This morning, I feel like myself again and I am HUNGRY! YEAH! I don't think I've ever been so excited about having an appetite. This afternoon, it's off to yoga and day 2. Oh, yeah - I've decided that destination 90 it is - I'll just look up and there it is!

I can't wait to go again tonight, it may not be a "perfect" yoga practice but it will be my practice for where I am today.