81.5/146: Living artfully...

As I stare at the blank screen thinking of what to write, the tag line to my blog was staring right back at me.  It occurred to me that, recently at least, I have not been living very artfully.  I have made lifeless tasks out of the duties of my life.  I've made mindless lists of things to do without regard to the meaning and motivation behind them.  I keep trying work on my vision collage and goals for life.  I often get sidetracked or overwhelmed by the confusion it brings and an hour later give up realizing this project isn't "right" for me right now or at least I am not approaching it with the "right" mentality.  I'm right.  I'm approaching it as another thing to get off the list and not an opportunity to live artfully.  And once something gets crossed off the list do you think that I even celebrate this astonishing miracle?  Nope.  It gets crossed off the list and probably something else added in its place.  How mundane is this?  No fun.  Old habits die hard I guess.  Well, I can change this attitude.

Anyway, yoga was smooth last night.  Being in the front of the room keeps me honest and motivates me to do better.  Rounding down, clasping my hands in front of me below my knee before I lift the foot in standing head to knee I think will pay off long term in standing head to knee.  The alignment is better and works the muscles which need working.  Lock the knee?  Lock inner calves, thighs, outer thigh and glutes - suck the stomach in and do all this and breathe! ha, ha.

My ankles hurt. 

That's it. Happy Memorial day weekend. No yoga planned just working on my deck at home and de-cluttering my home.

Day 80.5/145: Getting by...

I'm getting by.  For the record, getting by sucks but I guess I can learn to be happy from where I currently am.  But let me just have a moment here.... BOO, HOO, HOO and wah!!!!!!!!!! ... ok, I guess I'll smile if I must.  Yoga is no fun right now.  Honestly, I think the position of my bones are moving... my ankles, hips - they pop... this I am sure will be a good thing in the long run (the moving that is not the popping) but umm... ouch and whoa this is disconcerting.  I must learn to just love this I guess. [Grrr. Pout. Twirl around and two year old stomp my foot.]

I'm doing lots of good work clearing out the house - you know getting rid of baggage in life.  This is big stuff even if it just seems like little stuff. Seriously, I've got lots of stuff on my to-do list that I'm really not sure I want on there or not.  My brain hurts trying to figure out whether this list even belongs to me or not.

I just received my new alarm clock last night from Now and Zen and it is so nice waking up to a bell chiming - a real, lovely sweet sounding chime not some digital imposture from my cell phone. :)  I made an attempt to meditate on my lunch hour.  Of course, 3 minutes into it I got a phone call from someone I had been playing phone tag with for a job that it turns out I'm not interested in.  This is life.

Tonight is 81.5.  This weekend I am going to do a half set - that .5 is killing me for whatever reason.

I've decided I am not going to yoga tomorrow after work.  I am going to go straight home and have a beer. This might not be considered the healthiest of things to do and you might be shocked to hear me say this - but it is exactly what this little overachiever needs right now.

Day 79.5/144: I did my duty

I had a nice weekend off from yoga.  Made a dent in cleaning my house, took a long walk to Castle Island and back.  I had a lovely dinner with my husband and watched a funny movie.  I really miss my time at home.  I did my duty and went to class last night.  I have to be honest.  I didn't enjoy one posture. Not one.  Normally after a few days off the first class back can feel great.  Not this one.  I was tight in my hips.  Pin pricking random pains in my left heel and calf.  Limbs felt like a ton of bricks in Backbending. And Camel.  Not sure what's going on there but every ounce of self-preservation says don't relax your head back. I keep trying. I did my daily duty.  I was tired afterward and turned in at 9 pm.

Head to knee pose in floor seems to be making some progress.  Thinking about pushing the backs of my knees into the floor really seems to help.  I definitely feel like I am in a tournaquet or a straight jacket more like it!  Anyway, there's a little positive there. 

I keep trying to get up early to do yoga before going to work and it just isn't happening.  I went to bed early but I was still so tired when I woke up this morning.  I am blaming it on my new mattress.  I just feel like I could lay in bed for a week.  I've got another appointment after work today and my husband wants to watch a movie tonight, but perhaps I will see if I can squeeze in a half class at home tonight and get rid of that little half up there in the days.

Day 38: Sense of adventure

I had a wonderful voice lesson yesterday  - it was wonderfully random and freeing and it felt so joyous to sing! It was followed by a very good, smooth class.  After first savasana it popped into my completely clear head that this "challenge" does not fit my goals as a human being.  It's not the yoga, the heat or even the strain (And pain) of going daily ~ but the lack of balance I am experiencing as a result of how I have set this challenge up.  90 classes in 90 days and then what?  It sounds alot like all or nothing syndrome as we call it in sparkpeople.  You know if I do x,y,z then I'll finally be able to live the way I want to kind of mentality.  No thanks.  I've been finding myself putting things in life on hold "until I'm done with my challenge".  What's the point in that? That doesn't match what I had in mind to learn how to fit my LIFE into my yoga.

So...  here's my plan:

• Count up my days of yoga per the days of the year and see where I end up at the end of the year (this sounds like fun!)
• Strive for a daily practice
• When I can't make it to the hot room and my schedule allows me to make time at home to practice (without losing sleep) - practice at home
• Continue to document my experience here in this blog
• Do doubles when I feel good and I feel like I want and need more practice that week
• Continue to do my very best for that day
• Seek expert advice on how to improve the quality of my practice and my life
• Read the books again

I can't practice tonight and I knew that going in.  I might not practice tomorrow.  I might take a little time to regroup, tend to some things at home and then get right back into it on Sunday.

I'm feeling good about this change... who knows where it will lead... and I like having a little sense of adventure!

Day 37: What's the point?

I had a great class yesterday despite my hemming and hawwing about not wanting to go.  It's ALWAYS that way and I KNOW it which is why most of the time when I really don't want to go - I go!  Anyway, on my way to class I was thinking about goals and how many of them are stale and feel like a ton of bricks on my back.  After class, one of the other girls asked how my challenge is going.  I said I was on day 37 and a bit behind and that I would need to do a number of doubles or just extend my challenge.  It was like she was reading my mind when she said "well the challenge is in learning how to fit this in your life."  That is exactly the point of this challenge for me.  Why would I expect that I would be perfect?  I hold a full-time job, a part-time job, I am a work-study at the studio, I have goals in singing, I have weight-loss goals outside of my yoga practice, I continue therapy which is a lot of work letting go of old baggage and learning how to rethink, I am happily married, I need to cook - clean - and do laundry, organize and de-clutter, I've got to deal with all the other stuff in life you just can't plan for and EVERY ONCE in a WHILE, I'd really like to feel like I have a moment that is not structured and planned!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, the point of this is not to be obsessive-compulsive nor to presume that other people who don't accomplish challenges have busy lives.  The point is to experiment with how to find joy in a daily yoga practice and fit the life INTO this lifelong practice.  INTO not around. Not separate.  Not in nice, little, neat separate boxes.  How does it all come together, what do I do?  Like the Geoffrey Rush's character in Shakespeare in Love to the question what do I do? "Nothing. Strangely enough it all turns out well. How? I don't know.  It's a mystery."

You can do it!!! You just have to get to the room...

Writing to encourage myself to get to Day 37.  Didn't practice yesterday because I had acupuncture and can't practice afterwards.  I could have practiced in the morning at home but it took so darn long to figure out how to get the series on my MP3 player so I could practice without waking up the neighborhood at that early hour that getting up that early actually just didn't happen.   Last night I really enjoyed laying in bed reading a wonderful book - The Shack.  It was a very different perspective on forgiveness that I enjoyed.  I finished the book around 12:30 am.  Needless to say, I am tired and not feeling it today.  I had a physical training session today that I also didn't feel like going to but felt great afterward.  I showed up with all sorts of requests to help strengthen the lower abdominals, hip flexors and ankles to improve my yoga practice!  That just makes me laugh.  She also showed me how to use the gravitron to learn how to do pull-ups and she showed the CORRECT way to do sit-ups and PUSH-UPS.  It was fun.

I haven't had enough water to drink.  I just had some espresso with hot chocolate.  I'd really rather go home and curl up with this dreary weather outside.  I'm not looking forward to all these doubles I have to do.  The prospect is discouraging.  I'm not looking forward to walking home by myself afterward tonight since I don't have "Effie, the little yellow wonder scooter" today.  I'll have to tell you about her sometime if you don't know about my fabulous little moped.  I've got to prepare for my voice lesson tomorrow.  Long story short - I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA! Not at ALL! 

Oh well, it can't hurt me to show up and dip my toes in the water so to speak.  Even if I just do 1% of the posture the correct way, I will get some benefit and some benefit is better than none.  I'll feel better after and be clear-headed and able to accomplish more when I get home with my music and COOKING.  I need food in my house made!

Day 36: You are ready to look inward for the answers

"I don't think you really need to look for the answers outside of yourself.  I think all the answers you need you already have..."  Comment from my teacher last night or something to that effect. She's right.  I do know what is best for me, but sometimes I just long for someone to do the work for me and tell me what to do  then perhaps I wouldn't need to carry the responsibility.  I long for a mentor to guide me but a good mentor rarely answers a question.  Every great teacher in all the stories always answers a question with a question or some parable you have to wrack your brain around to understand for yourself.  So look inward I must and take responsibility for my life, all of my life, every miniscule little part of it.

Day 34 and 35: Forgiveness

I did my Friday night class.  I remember not being hungry afterward.  Nothing significant to report other than finally no back pain and I'm ready to add sit-ups back in again.  I do still have sharp pains in the left heel, oh well.

No yoga on Saturday.  I had a marathon trip flying down to Maryland, driving to and from my sister-in-law's place and back in the same day for a graduation party for my nephew.  I ate too much.  Sadly I had TWO pieces of chocolate cake with white icing (my favorite) along of course with Lebanon Bologna.  If you've never had you must try it, but beware it is very hard to have just one piece.  It's a Pennsylvania dutch thing and it is SO good.  Can't get it up here.  Anyway, needless to say, I ate WAY too much and because of my heel I opted out of playing volleyball which I really would have liked to do.  I'm tired of being limited by my body.  By 3 pm, I was longing to be in the hot room and missed my yoga. 

Sunday's class, though I was tired and not feeling it, was rather good.  Sit-ups went fine.  The heel wasn't as painful and the teacher ensured me it's just the body getting rid of the junk and I agree.  I don't want to hold onto this junk anymore but I am impatient.  I was super sleepy afterward and napped most of the night rather than "accomplish" anything.  Oh well - who says I need to be accomplished? Hee, hee.

It occurred to me last night that it's not the yoga's fault that I am realizing that my life isn't the way I want it.  I am making changes and they are good ones though I find it hard to keep my spirits up sometimes.   I want it all fixed NOW, NOW, NOW!  Temper tantrum ensues.  I suppose it's difficult to NOT turn my disgust with the lifestyle onto myself.  I saw some pictures of myself from 3 years ago at the party and wow it is completely evident that I've made some changes.  I've lost over 75 pounds since then.  I look like I lost half of myself.  More importantly though I remember how I thought and how I felt then and I have greatly improved my mental/emotional state.  For the first time in my life, I'm not ashamed or guilty about those pictures.  I'm sad for that person who lost two important people in her life and didn't know how to truly care for herself and held onto everything in order to find stability at least somewhere.  I FORGIVE HER.  I forgive the her from then but do I forgive the her from now?  You know the one who still can't do some of the yoga postures she's been trying to do for the past year  and a half (some not even close) and STILL has another 25 pounds to lose and oh yeah, sadly ate 2 pieces of chocolate cake at a party and new better than to do that???  You know, I think I can find it in my heart to forgive her as I know she is truly doing the best she can under extraordinary circumstances.

Day 32 AND 33: Double whammy!

That I must say was my favorite game show as a kid.  I loved Double Whammy! Random thought.

I did a double last night.  Haven't done one in a while.  This was a good one.  I wasn't too tight in the second class which tends to be a problem for me with back to back doubles (I cool down so quick that I tend to get tight).  Pranayama is always so weird in the second class.  It takes half way through the first set to just say "ok, this is weird, deal!"  Second class was actually better than the first.  I did my triangle and my camel!  I must take time to set triangle up properly and go into it slow, lining it up.  90 degrees - no less!  Arms out like open heart surgery, fingers to the toes, elbow in front of knee, stretch away! Camel just hurts right now, but I really feel like if you don't do these two postures you don't get the payoff at the end of the class like you do when you do them even if you a only do a little!  Tonight there is no sitting out, I don't care if I have to just do a little of everything.  I need EVERY... SINGLE... POSTURE and BOTH sets.

At the end of savasana second class, my heart just opened up and it came to me that I don't need to worry any more and can just leave all that up to God.  I can receive and have faith in the path before me.

Breath is my only focus for the next week.  Keeping my breath smooth, even and calm and never going so far beyond that I feel I must quit.  Now is not the time for me to PUSH beyond but to build faith and strength so I can push later.  On a small note, I am experimenting in Standing Head to Knee with waiting to lift the leg until I am already rounded down and my clasped hands are ready to grab the foot.  Let's see how this affects alignment.

Last note, I slept so wonderfully in my new mattress last night.  It was like getting a massage from my mattress. Yeah! Only problem is that I don't want to get out of bed!

Day 31: Yoga truck ramblings...

Yoga truck rolled me over.  I wanted out of the room by standing head to knee.  It's wasn't the heat for me.  Just didn't wanna.  I was a big baby.  My head was everywhere but my yoga practice.  Energy wasn't there. Whatever. My back was a little persnickety last night. The pulled muscle in my left heel scares me a little.

I was really sleepy afterward.  Went to bed by 9:15, woke up at 5 am to take care of those 2 glasses of water I drank before bed and then slept until 7 am.  I'm still sleepy.

I can't practice on Saturday because I'm going out of town so tonight I am going to attempt a double with my broken body. I will go slow. 

I joined a free gym membership for this month through my work building so I'm going to go use the ellyptical for a little and then sit in the steam room at lunch.  Ah, steam room - can't wait!  Something new to look forward to!

The most boringest blog ever. 

Day 30: The Ponytails and Pineapples Equation

IF

THEN

MUST BE TRUE!

How do you like them apples???  Wrap your brain around that!  Should be up for a Nobel Peace Prize next year, I think.  I had no idea I was such a mathematical wizard.

Well, this is what my brain looks like on yoga.  Could be worse.

Day 29: Discipline

Topic of discussion last night was when does discipline go to far?  My answer is when it is no longer "joyful" or as my one friend would say "interesting, very interesting."  It is a slippery slope because there are stages in yoga development where it is painful and downright discouraging - really, am I really back to just reaching for my foot in standing head to knee again?  Damn that posture!  I digress, but if there is still interest in my suffering and some ounce of joy found from the activity then my discipline has not crossed over into the dark side.

As far as my goal for myself last night, it's hard to not have a fun and loving class with that fabulous upbeat teacher.  Nonetheless, I can say I am more than civil to myself up until standing head to knee.  That posture is so damn discouraging and the rest of the balancing series is not much better. Grr. I tweaked my back in the second set of triangle and then sat the rest of it out.  I felt my left heel stretch like a taught rope in standing separate leg head to knee.  I feel it this morning.  All in all though, I am on the other side now and realize that this is all good pain.  Like the last 60 day challenge I did last summer, there is a point where I realize to enjoy my suffering, to be thankful and peaceful no matter what...  I guess I've hit that point.

I'm done whining now.

Day 26, 27, 28: Will you love me? Will you see me? Will I matter?

I don't know where to begin with this blog and have been thinking about it far too long.  There is so much sitting on my heart that I feel like it might implode.  This blog might just end up being a jumbled, rambling mess.  That's ok - I've been told I need to give myself room to be messy, though it drives me nuts. Fine.  Deep breath.  None of this is going to make sense and I want to write about everything but yoga right now...

This weekend has run the course of all of who I am - from silly, loving, sad, depressed, angry, organized, worried, scared, daring, rebellious, giving, forgiving, obsessive, extravagant, lavish, perfectionist trying to remember to focus on progress, impatient, patient, back to loving.  I am wobbling back and forth faster than an old lady church soprano's high C!  But these are just descriptions that my limited "self" came up with to describe an incredibly complex and, yet at the same time, simple "Self".  My heart is overwhelmed and confused.  I miss my mother who passed away 5 years ago.  I long for nurturing, compassion, protection, stability.  Such a deep longing.  I could use avoidance techniques which I am very good at and could call it other things.  I could lie to myself and say I need this or need that, or more likely I need "to do this" or I need "to do" that and THEN everything will be better.  Bullshit.  Bullpucky!  I'm not longing for these things just because she passed away either but Mother's Day does bring it up.

Nurturing, Compassion, Protection and Stability were all carpets that were pulled out from out underneath my feet frequently in my childhood.  My mother did the best she could as a paranoid schizophrenic and later in life when she was "treated" I did get to see her more as a nurturing and compassionate, loving mother.  My memory of her tends to always float to these aspects of her, even the childhood ones.  I always find my way around to positive. I've always been a Pollyanna of sorts. It's a coping mechanism I guess.  Sometimes I get sick of smiling and laughing it all away.  I know only I can provide for myself these things I long for but it is SO hard.  I am SO tired. The only compassion I can seem to come up for myself is "stop whining already and get out of your pity party!" AHHHHHHHH!

Yoga.  This is a blog about yoga. Okay.  Redirect.  I'd love for yoga to be about making a pretty posture and I'd love even more for my body to be able to do all of them in perfect 10 form already.  I would love to not have back pain and a pull in my left heel and excuses, excuses.  Then I could say - "Here. See. I can do this! Isn't that enough for you to love me?  Am I perfect enough now that you will see me and that I will matter?"  But see the yoga isn't about the posture for me and it isn't even about the perfection.  It is about will you love me, will you see me, will I matter?  Sometimes I think I want the answer to come from the teacher, from my fellow yogis/yoginis, but that's not the truth though when a complement does come my way it is like cocaine to my system - fabulous extasy and guilty denial all one fell swoop!  In truth, I am hoping the person I stare at in the mirror will one day just decide to say a permanent yes.  "Yes, I love you - always have, always will.  Yes, I see You - the real you and you are beautiful and you have all the encouragement in the world.  Yes, you matter - you are special and your life here on earth is meaningful."  One day the person in the mirror will just say yes. 

Again, my self-worth wrapped up into an activity.  It used to be that I transferred all these questions into the activity of singing and frankly that's too much pressure for a singer. How did this end up in my yoga now?  What a piece of work is the human mind?  I wish I didn't have these problems. I wish I could just make pretty poses - that would be so much easier. But the right way is the hard way.

Goal for class tonight... be nice to me. I'll take civil. Civil would be progress.

Day 25: Old lady

As I was suffering last night, I was thinking to myself how this challenge has been wrought from Day 1 with well, "challenges".  From back pain in the beginning which turned into the flu followed by weeks of fatigue and knee pain and now back to back pain again ~ the few fabulous classes in between have kept me going along with the support of all my yoga friends and my husband who actually helped me get dressed this morning because I couldn't bend down.  I will be honest and admit that more than 1% of me considers packing it in, regrouping and trying again later but last night I learned so much from my excruciatingly painful class. 

I am not being Little Miss Melodramatic here.  When I say excruciating, I mean it.  It was so painful and I had to be SOOOOOOO careful and I was so SLOW.  In the floor series, by the time I actually got in savasana it was time to get out of it again.  It would take what seemed like FOREVER to just get the first part of the posture particularly anything forward bending.  But here's the gem I learned:  when working with an injury it is impossible to do anything BUT the RIGHT way.   Granted it is slow and deliberate but I feel like I learned so much from my practice last night.  I learned new ways to suck my stomach in and keep it sucked in. New ways to lock my knee through the hips, quads, the THIGHS, ankles and calves.  Why the hell does Bikram say lock the knee when in reality you are locking the LEG??? LOL.  I learned new ways to be patient with myself to build the muscle necessary to do all of these things without "fudging" it.  I learned that when I can't even do 1% the right way then THAT is the time to sit it out and lay in savasana and get the benefit from the gas station needed to try again next time.

I am currently sitting at my desk with a heat patch on my back, drinking water and feeling my heart beat through the muscles in my lower back.  Throbbing.  I just took my next pack of advil and will take one more at noon.  Then let it go until you guessed it - YOGA.  There's no way I'm not going. It feels so good once I get into the posture even the forward bending ones.  I just have to take so much time to get there. Oh well, then that's what I do and where I am today.  Who says the stubborn Taurus that I am can't be patient??? 
On an interesting note, when dealing with physical pain, the emotional stuff subsides. Interesting. Tonight I have no where to go and nothing to do afterward so I am going to just relish savasana then saunter home and perhaps take a long, hot bath that this OLD lady body will probably need help getting into and out of - "HUSBAND!!! Can you help me???"  LOL. 

Day 24: P-A-I-N...

I... have... N-E-V-E-R had so... much... P-A-I-N in a yoga class...EVER! I had hoped my stiffness would dissipate as class went on and my body warmed up.  It did start to and I had an awesome first set of balancing stick.  Felt strong.  Second set - lower back gave way and from then on I couldn't bend down. I tried to round down in Dandayamana - Bibhaktapada - Janushirasana (Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose) and just stopped half way, not even.  I honestly didn't know what to do... was it better to break form and get into the posture using my hands to support my back as I went down?  Or was it better to just hang out where I could stand it and keep trying with my little steeple in place?

Anyway, I am still not able to bend down without assistance.  It's hilarious to me actually.  Oh well, I'm not assigning too much importance to it.  Fine this is where I am today and I will work in those confines.  We'll see where it takes me.  Strangely back bending series was good - even cobra second set.  Ummm... it's forward bending and flat back - whoa.  Ok well voice lesson followed by late class followed by cleaning tonight.  Cleaning the bathrooms on my hands and knees should be "interesting".  I don't know why but this just makes me laugh.

Day 23: BAM!

My mother loved watching Emeril's shows and she is in my mind of late as Mother's Day approaches and the Lilacs purple bloom remind me of her.  She had a funny sense of humor and that show just tickled her pink.  I miss her laugh.  God how we would laugh sometimes so hard we were crying. I could use a good laugh. Okay, what does this have to do with yoga?

I had a very good practice yesterday.  It was smooth and I was in the zone.  One posture at a time and taking it easy with my flower petals blooming. ;) Yesterday I died, sat out postures and today BAM! Out of the blue good class.  Isn't that always the way it goes?  You never know what will happen.  Isn't that an exciting way to live life? I must remember this the next time I think I'm bored with my practice or being "stuck" in a studio on a beautiful day and yesterday was a beautiful day.  We are in for a few gorgeous days here in Boston and I can't imagine not spending 90 minutes with my friends in the hot room.  That's just where I am right now.

It's taking the time to enjoy the moments as you have them.  I am not deprived of the beautiful weather by practicing my daily yoga.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  The senses and my experiences are heightened by my yoga practice.  I am sure the smells, sounds, tastes and sights of the spring are more vibrant after a class just like pineapples are freaking orgasmic after a hot class. :)

To wrap this up, I just want to add a little housekeeping.  Day 22 I pulled something in my left heel when I fell out of standing bow and still felt it in Day 23.  I am going to be careful about it, but honestly I think it's a good pull.  It is connected to my plantar fasciitis muscles and I feel it up the calf.  It's all good but a little prudence is in order.  ALSO, last night I jumped out of class much faster than usual because I had to run to get to the opera in time.  Add together 90 minute awesome class, a minute and half savasana, hopping on my scooter, zipping over to opera, sitting in uncomfortable theatre seat for 3 hours plus = very sore this morning.  Difficulty bending down to pick things up sore.  Note to self nothing is worth my 2 minute savasana at the end. :)

Day 22: Loving myself

Loving yourself in the mirror -truly loving - is so much harder than any yoga posture.  I was set to have a "great" class.  It was warm and humid out just the way I like it.  I had energy and I am so thankful for that.  As of yesterday's post, I was convinced that as long as I still had some love left for myself I'm doing my best. I had a strong standing series except one side of one set of triangle but.... damn that backbending series on the floor! No, not really but geeeeeeeeeeeez.  It is always the beginning of the end for me emotionally.  And once emotional, opening up the front side in camel is just soooooooooo counter-intuitive.  I felt very bi-personality.  Unconscious brain was saying "I hate you" the conscious brain was saying "I love you" - back and forth.  I felt like I was being torn in two.  I felt like I was dying.

It is far more difficult for me to sit out a posture than it is for me to force myself to keep going.  I took care of myself and sat out.  I'm taking care of myself.  I'm proud of that.  It wasn't the "greatest" class but it was one of those classes that feels like a turning point for me.  I am learning to receive love and compassion from myself and that is far more important than achieving any posture though one day that will come to.

Love to all... including myself.

Day 21.5: Journey

There's a wonderful journal exercise I learned at Shakespeare & Company - "The Journey from Here to There".  It's easy to get discouraged when I look at the distance I need travel to get from here to "there" - whatever that is in yoga.  It's downright exhausting when I look at it from where I've come to get to what "here" is.  I guess I could choose to continue from this negative perspective.  I could choose a different vantage point.  I could choose to celebrate the amazing changes I have made in my life and continue to enjoy the activities and ideas which manifested these changes.  It's that type of celebration in the simple successes that helped me stay the course to where I am today. I had forgotten.  I had forgotten that progress is much healthier than perfect.  I had forgotten how many times I fell.  I had forgotten that patience builds character, something I was recently told I have - thank you CK.  I had forgotten that this type of change from the inside out is rarely linear and the "scorecard" is rarely a perfect 10.

I am behind 6.5 days.  I am very proud of these 6.5 days because I learned from them.  Now you must be asking - how come she is behind a half day?  Well, because I allowed myself to be creative and gave myself the room to be creative with what time I have.  I crammed as much as I possibly could in one weekend - all things I wanted to do and were incredibly important to me.  I didn't practice on Sunday and on Saturday I ran out of time to take class and had just enough time to do 1 set of everything from the Bikram CD.  I did it in my living room without heat.  I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of that practice and feel like though not a complete replacement for the "hot room" it is a worthwhile addition to a life-long practice.  It informs your muscles in a different way, just like a different perspective informs your mind.  Anyway, I will definitely start considering using this regularly in my practice. 

What keeps me going at this point with the challenge is my purpose.  My purpose is to find a way to have "this yoga" be a daily part of MY life.  Only I can decide how to make that happen.  It is my journey.  I'm looking forward to practice tonight.  It is hard for me to know whether I give a 100% effort sometimes because I have spent most of my life being overdriven.  What is a true, natural 100% effort that is reasonable for one human being?  Whatever it is, I am sure it includes love and compassion for myself not hate, guilt or self-loathing.  Perhaps, that is the barometer to any truth - L-O-V-E.