Counting up the days...

So my path has gone off in another direction.  Currently, I feel as if I spend my time counting up the days, I will miss the day!  It's hard for me to let "things" go.  Beliefs. Ideas. Emotions. Habits.  All, once realized no longer fit me or my situation, are surprisingly difficult to let go.  My nasty little mind says is I am a "quitter", a "baby", a "weakling", "worthless".  What misery.  So I live miserable in limbo until the misery is too great to withstand.  I have loved this quote by Aldo Carotenuto since I first read it a year ago "Ambiguity has a destabilzing effect ... very few have the courage or the strength to hold the tension between opposites until a completely new standpoint emerges.  This is because in acknowledging contradictory truths, one has to create an inner equilibrium to keep from being torn in two" and one hopes that the center will hold as opposed to Yeats end of the world poem.  It holds as long as hope shall last.  Hope that I am moving on to something better?  But to hope into the unknown... That's some scary shit! Perhaps, I'm not so profound after all, you may be thinking, but I like keeping it real. 

So where am I?  I am practicing yoga and not just the hatha hot room kind either.  I am practicing yoga in my daily life, in my choices, in my vision, in my meditation, in my eating, in my sleeping, in my rest, in my creativity, in my relationships, in my EVERYTHING.  And just like in the hot room - sometimes is goes great and sometimes well, not.  Either way, it does not matter.  It is in the doing that is the delight.  Or at least, this is what I am working towards.

It became clear to me that blogging about every yoga class in such a regimented way was taking away from my delight in doing which is not my purpose.  It was forcing my mind to analyze and in many ways it colored in my experience for me even before I even had an experience.  I think in many ways those doing the Bikram training are encouraged not to write blogs about their experience, because it forces process where there is none to be had.  Not that there isn't a process but perhaps it is not the mind analysis with which we are so familiar.  Change is the only thing constant and even that is not something I can "hold on to" and I vascillate between scrambling for dear life for a foothold and jumping off the ledge.

It no longer really matters to me how many yoga classes I got to in a week or year because I am constantly practicing yoga.  I still do my best to at least show up in the hot room twice a week.  See how difficult it is to let go???  Why must I count and show and tell?  I vascillate.  Maybe I will do a yoga challenge again some time, maybe not.  Maybe I will just do it and not tell anyone, even myself!  Maybe I will just follow joy in my life.  Maybe I will meditate more. Unknown.

ANYWAYS (my favorite word), the original point of this blog is kind of obsolete now.   I am going to change the intro a little and keep it up and write here and there when I feel a revelation needs broadcasting. 

All the best to everyone. Namaste.