So my path has gone off in another direction. Currently, I feel as if I spend my time counting up the days, I will miss the day! It's hard for me to let "things" go. Beliefs. Ideas. Emotions. Habits. All, once realized no longer fit me or my situation, are surprisingly difficult to let go. My nasty little mind says is I am a "quitter", a "baby", a "weakling", "worthless". What misery. So I live miserable in limbo until the misery is too great to withstand. I have loved this quote by Aldo Carotenuto since I first read it a year ago "Ambiguity has a destabilzing effect ... very few have the courage or the strength to hold the tension between opposites until a completely new standpoint emerges. This is because in acknowledging contradictory truths, one has to create an inner equilibrium to keep from being torn in two" and one hopes that the center will hold as opposed to Yeats end of the world poem. It holds as long as hope shall last. Hope that I am moving on to something better? But to hope into the unknown... That's some scary shit! Perhaps, I'm not so profound after all, you may be thinking, but I like keeping it real.
So where am I? I am practicing yoga and not just the hatha hot room kind either. I am practicing yoga in my daily life, in my choices, in my vision, in my meditation, in my eating, in my sleeping, in my rest, in my creativity, in my relationships, in my EVERYTHING. And just like in the hot room - sometimes is goes great and sometimes well, not. Either way, it does not matter. It is in the doing that is the delight. Or at least, this is what I am working towards.
It became clear to me that blogging about every yoga class in such a regimented way was taking away from my delight in doing which is not my purpose. It was forcing my mind to analyze and in many ways it colored in my experience for me even before I even had an experience. I think in many ways those doing the Bikram training are encouraged not to write blogs about their experience, because it forces process where there is none to be had. Not that there isn't a process but perhaps it is not the mind analysis with which we are so familiar. Change is the only thing constant and even that is not something I can "hold on to" and I vascillate between scrambling for dear life for a foothold and jumping off the ledge.
It no longer really matters to me how many yoga classes I got to in a week or year because I am constantly practicing yoga. I still do my best to at least show up in the hot room twice a week. See how difficult it is to let go??? Why must I count and show and tell? I vascillate. Maybe I will do a yoga challenge again some time, maybe not. Maybe I will just do it and not tell anyone, even myself! Maybe I will just follow joy in my life. Maybe I will meditate more. Unknown.
ANYWAYS (my favorite word), the original point of this blog is kind of obsolete now. I am going to change the intro a little and keep it up and write here and there when I feel a revelation needs broadcasting.
All the best to everyone. Namaste.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
124/251: Subtle.
Had my first class last night after I think 2.5 weeks off. No major events. Clean practice and good for my spine which loved a good back and forward bend. No improvement on my achilles but it didn't kill me and I was able to stay standing and adjust depth for my current state of affairs. Standing on one foot is so hard right now. Patience.
I'm feeling these days like the benefits for me are not there though I know they are. Everything is much more subtle at this stage of the game. The healing is deeper and not as surface. The yoga is working on other aspects of life which are more apparent. How I miss those days of high after a first class back or better yet 3 in a row. Ok - well ciao for now. Busy at work these days so not as much time to write. Going to the 5:30 class after work. Looking forward to a chill Friday afer work class.
I'm feeling these days like the benefits for me are not there though I know they are. Everything is much more subtle at this stage of the game. The healing is deeper and not as surface. The yoga is working on other aspects of life which are more apparent. How I miss those days of high after a first class back or better yet 3 in a row. Ok - well ciao for now. Busy at work these days so not as much time to write. Going to the 5:30 class after work. Looking forward to a chill Friday afer work class.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Under construction...
I'm on a hiatus from vacation and begin vacation part two later tonight. I haven't had a hot yoga class in over a week and just on Wednesday had a tinge of maybe I'd like to take one. I miss activity and exercise all together! We went to a yoga dance class Tuesday night that was just a blast. Worked up quite a bit of sweat too. Anyway, I'm back out tonight for apple-picking, swimming and more R&R. I am re-evaluating how important rest is and how important it is to avoid repetition for me. Life is chaos - it's best to get on with it, get used to it and be at peace within that chaos. I rely on too many things outside of me for happiness. Enough for now, I'm working on things broken in me... I guess you could say I have a huge under-construction sign posted on my fore-head.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
123/235: Honoring myself and my practice
My newest mantra is "I honor myself and my practice". It's hard to beat myself up, to go beyond what I should, AND the opposite - not do enough - when I say this to myself. It's also difficult to to be anywhere but in the present when I say this to myself. Another day of yoga in the zone. I'm feeling stronger.
The achilles is a bit sore today and achey. Gotta get the ice out. Grr. No yoga tonight - plain old rainy night at home. 5 o'clock can't come soon enough.
Nama ....zzzz.....
The achilles is a bit sore today and achey. Gotta get the ice out. Grr. No yoga tonight - plain old rainy night at home. 5 o'clock can't come soon enough.
Nama ....zzzz.....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
122/234: In the zone.
Last night's practice was really just in the zone. I went in with the mindset to just honor myself and my practice. For whatever reason, I just was in the moment the entire class. It felt good.
Gotta love the good days and just say thank you.
Gotta love the good days and just say thank you.
Friday, August 20, 2010
122/230: Crocodiles, Sharks and Teradactyls! ANYWAY...
You're wondering what the...? OK, "BEAR" with me. Hee, hee.
One of the things you may or may not know about me is that I've lost 75 pounds over the past two years. Yippee. Woohoo. Cartwheels. Okay whatever. Get over it. I am still 25 pounds from my goal. Here's the thing. I could continue to beat my body into submission, go to extremes, even punish it with repetitive use causing additional tendonitis but that's not what I started this all for. I started this all for health and wellness and the kind that lasts forever so hence a healthy lifestyle. I've been "working" on finding balance through including more REST in my life. Not so easy for someone who is afraid of being "LAZY" due to various childhood upbringing craziness. Despite doing all this, I still ended up with achilles tendonitis but that's neither here nor there because it is a blessing in disguise as it is a fabulous forced teaching tool for me. ANYWAY... point is that I am not willing to go down the dark path for some set "goal" to get the results. I'll the path less traveled but not the one that berates me and beats me to a pulp. I've learned better.
So now what? I'm reading this book on weight loss recommended on a yoga forum that appealed to me in its concept of the body knowing how to do this without me getting in the way. Without charts and schedules and calculations and all that exacting stuff we think about when setting ourselves upon yet another weight loss/exercise miracle solution. Two things so far from this book have struck a chord with me. 1) The author presents the question "Do I feel safe being thin?" and 2) When you introduce the stresses to your body that make it believe it needs to thin in order to survive the weight loss battle has been one - "get thin or get eaten" concept.
1) Do I feel safe being thin? Nope. I still can't believe after 75 pounds gone my answer is no. But alas, losing the last 25 pounds in my head has the tiniest tinge of lack of safety. That layer of fat around my tummy, thighs and butt is my little security blanky. From what am I trying to keep secure from and how can I address this? So in Monkey mind the following is going on and below are some better "solutions":
a) In my monkey mind, it saves this blonde haired, blue eyed, "well-rounded" desirable female from being a target of EVERY crazy on the street.
Did you "BEAR" with me? On the opposite side of the spectrum from rest and forgiveness there is the other side to weight loss. The first time I gained "weight" in my life was when I was 8 years old and there was an incredibly stressful situation in my family that caused turmoil. I am not going to get into it because it is not my right to tell the story to the public but suffice to say somewhere in that experience my mind decided it would be safer to not be thin like my sister. I can remember clearly a discussion at the dinner table where my father was saying how you have to put on your winter fat like a bear and of course it was a meal of steak and mashed potatoes which I wasn't remotely interested in eating at the time but to please the ol' man who made a game out of eating rather than yelling and throwing things as usual, I ate. I think something in the brain turned on and said - this is safe. Put is all together and somewhere there I became someone I didn't need to be in order to be safe.
Skip a few years later and in junior high I had an experience where I got picked on in junior high at softball. I was so scared to get beat up the following season that I worked really hard all year to be so good that no one could claim I was playing because I was the coaches daughter. GET THIN OR GET EATEN worked. That was the last time I was in the shape of my life. I wasn't necessarily healthy about it though. Frankly, I was on the verge of eating disorder. Barely ate, exercised excessively. Turned out the girls I were afraid of weren't even there! ANYWAY, point is the concept did work and my body got the signal and so did the brain, etc though in the future I know to be a little healthier and loving with my choices.
So, how to apply the get thin or get eaten concept to my current situation? I had fun in yoga last night. I pretended like every time I was in the posture that I had to do that posture the best I could for the moment and hold it as long as I could so that the crocodiles, or sharks or even TERADACTYLS wouldn't get me. The body doesn't know the difference between made-up threats and real ones so I went wild. Oh, don't fall out of standing head to knee or the crocodile will get you!!!! It was fun. The rest periods in between (savasana) became "ah, I'm safe for now! but next time I need to be in better shape so ... " You get the drift.
ANYWAY... I think that is my word. You know my Eat Pray Love word for myself. I use it all the time in my blogs and in daily life. I used to think it was just an easy way to change the subject or sum it up but when I think about its deeper meaning... ANY ... WAY it really says a lot about me. I want to be able to do things ANY way. I want to go in multiple directions. I don't want to be pinned down into one category. I have multiple circles of friends and I like it that way. I have lots of big ideas and dreams and don't mind and prefer to follow them all even if it means I don't SUCCEED. When I order from a menu, I always want to personalize it in some way because I'd like for the menu to be ANY WAY I like it. I want options open. I am equally open to options. I am ANY WAY I like it to be moment to moment. There is more to me than I can even imagine and no limit. I am ANY WAY.
:)
One of the things you may or may not know about me is that I've lost 75 pounds over the past two years. Yippee. Woohoo. Cartwheels. Okay whatever. Get over it. I am still 25 pounds from my goal. Here's the thing. I could continue to beat my body into submission, go to extremes, even punish it with repetitive use causing additional tendonitis but that's not what I started this all for. I started this all for health and wellness and the kind that lasts forever so hence a healthy lifestyle. I've been "working" on finding balance through including more REST in my life. Not so easy for someone who is afraid of being "LAZY" due to various childhood upbringing craziness. Despite doing all this, I still ended up with achilles tendonitis but that's neither here nor there because it is a blessing in disguise as it is a fabulous forced teaching tool for me. ANYWAY... point is that I am not willing to go down the dark path for some set "goal" to get the results. I'll the path less traveled but not the one that berates me and beats me to a pulp. I've learned better.
So now what? I'm reading this book on weight loss recommended on a yoga forum that appealed to me in its concept of the body knowing how to do this without me getting in the way. Without charts and schedules and calculations and all that exacting stuff we think about when setting ourselves upon yet another weight loss/exercise miracle solution. Two things so far from this book have struck a chord with me. 1) The author presents the question "Do I feel safe being thin?" and 2) When you introduce the stresses to your body that make it believe it needs to thin in order to survive the weight loss battle has been one - "get thin or get eaten" concept.
1) Do I feel safe being thin? Nope. I still can't believe after 75 pounds gone my answer is no. But alas, losing the last 25 pounds in my head has the tiniest tinge of lack of safety. That layer of fat around my tummy, thighs and butt is my little security blanky. From what am I trying to keep secure from and how can I address this? So in Monkey mind the following is going on and below are some better "solutions":
a) In my monkey mind, it saves this blonde haired, blue eyed, "well-rounded" desirable female from being a target of EVERY crazy on the street.
- Even at 220 pounds and overweight I still had those crazies so I might as well be strong, balanced and healthy with peace of mind to better fend them off... It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
- A strong abs and core (already there) doesn't need that layer of fat to protect me. If I didn't have all this extra baggage and peace of mind, it would be easier to move out of the way next time and avoid the situation. It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
- I don't need an excuse to rest or not to rest. Rest is something everyone deserves and needs and at their own specifications not designated by anyone else. Rest is a part of a well-balanced, healthy life-style and in fact is needed in order to be thin and is never anything to feel guilty about. Rest allows me to move faster, feel vibrant and alive and more likely to be safe and survive whatever comes my way. My mother wasn't lazy, neither am I and neither was my father. We all were exactly what we needed to be at the moment. Laziness and rest are two separate things. I'm not afraid of being lazy any more and don't need to keep myself constantly busy in order to be safe. I don't need a big butt for an excuse to keep busy, I freely choose how active I am and the needed rest for my body, mind and soul. IN FACT, it would be safer to be thin with a well-rested and rejuvenated healthy and ideal body. A healthy and SAFE lifestyle includes rest in the moment (without guilt or a thought to what I "should" be doing).
- Hiding my true beauty is like trying to hide the light of GOD or the beauty of nature away from the rest of the world. How disgusting is that? There's nothing egotistic about knowing yourself especially when you realize the beauty in everyone and how we are all connected. And as far as running away like a wild child with the wrong guy - I KNOW better. I deserve someone who treats me well and I trust my true love is my husband. The only temptation left is God. My husband can live with that temptation AND I will be more apt to accept and appreciate his love if I am safe. ANYWAY... It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
- I accept where I came from and the path I've taken to get where I am today. I accept the mistakes I might make in the future, the falls and detours I might make along the way. I live in the moment and in the now moment I have nothing to be ashamed of. IN fact, I would be less likely to be ashamed if I felt safe being who I am. It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.
Did you "BEAR" with me? On the opposite side of the spectrum from rest and forgiveness there is the other side to weight loss. The first time I gained "weight" in my life was when I was 8 years old and there was an incredibly stressful situation in my family that caused turmoil. I am not going to get into it because it is not my right to tell the story to the public but suffice to say somewhere in that experience my mind decided it would be safer to not be thin like my sister. I can remember clearly a discussion at the dinner table where my father was saying how you have to put on your winter fat like a bear and of course it was a meal of steak and mashed potatoes which I wasn't remotely interested in eating at the time but to please the ol' man who made a game out of eating rather than yelling and throwing things as usual, I ate. I think something in the brain turned on and said - this is safe. Put is all together and somewhere there I became someone I didn't need to be in order to be safe.
Skip a few years later and in junior high I had an experience where I got picked on in junior high at softball. I was so scared to get beat up the following season that I worked really hard all year to be so good that no one could claim I was playing because I was the coaches daughter. GET THIN OR GET EATEN worked. That was the last time I was in the shape of my life. I wasn't necessarily healthy about it though. Frankly, I was on the verge of eating disorder. Barely ate, exercised excessively. Turned out the girls I were afraid of weren't even there! ANYWAY, point is the concept did work and my body got the signal and so did the brain, etc though in the future I know to be a little healthier and loving with my choices.
So, how to apply the get thin or get eaten concept to my current situation? I had fun in yoga last night. I pretended like every time I was in the posture that I had to do that posture the best I could for the moment and hold it as long as I could so that the crocodiles, or sharks or even TERADACTYLS wouldn't get me. The body doesn't know the difference between made-up threats and real ones so I went wild. Oh, don't fall out of standing head to knee or the crocodile will get you!!!! It was fun. The rest periods in between (savasana) became "ah, I'm safe for now! but next time I need to be in better shape so ... " You get the drift.
ANYWAY... I think that is my word. You know my Eat Pray Love word for myself. I use it all the time in my blogs and in daily life. I used to think it was just an easy way to change the subject or sum it up but when I think about its deeper meaning... ANY ... WAY it really says a lot about me. I want to be able to do things ANY way. I want to go in multiple directions. I don't want to be pinned down into one category. I have multiple circles of friends and I like it that way. I have lots of big ideas and dreams and don't mind and prefer to follow them all even if it means I don't SUCCEED. When I order from a menu, I always want to personalize it in some way because I'd like for the menu to be ANY WAY I like it. I want options open. I am equally open to options. I am ANY WAY I like it to be moment to moment. There is more to me than I can even imagine and no limit. I am ANY WAY.
:)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
121/229: I'm a traitor so be it. :)
I went to another style of yoga tonight. It felt good to stretch. It felt good to take a yoga class that wasn't about contraction of the muscles the entire time. My husband even went and practiced next to me. It's so nice to do something together other than watch movies and eat and ya know... Anyway, well we both slept like little babies last night after our lovely gentle yoga class together. So there. I'd rather cheat on bikram yoga than my husband.
I'm exploring balance. Off to Bikram today followed by cleaning. Boring blog but in the books.
I'm exploring balance. Off to Bikram today followed by cleaning. Boring blog but in the books.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
120/227: Welcome to my laboratory... cackle, cackle, cackle
A little bit of silliness for this morning. Yoga has become this laboratory - the Great Experiment of life. I'm looking at it these days in that way. I guess that's why yoga is everything. I miss the good ol' days when I could push myself, set up a routine, make lists, and be strict, have expectations, deadlines, and unrealistic goals. The universe will not let me anymore especially when I know these things aren't good for me... right now or maybe never... or maybe in limited use in the future??? All that is important is that I learn to love myself in the best way possible. Anything can be used as a weapon for hurt even the most benign things like routines and lists so I tread carefully now experimenting with constantly asking myself "is this a loving way to treat myself" AND trusting that whatever works for now is the right way for now. I am learning to trust one foot in front of the other. All of which is relative and ever-constantly changing. Staying in the present is difficult. What presently do I decide to do, think, feel? Not about things in the past and not about things in the future. Just for now. Whew.
I used to ask questions like "will doing this get me to my goal"? I lived by this question and honestly that deck of cards has just fallen down everytime because what will the goal be tomorrow? Will it even be there when you get there? Will YOU even get there? What goal can you come up with that is more important than loving yourself today and in every moment? I can't think of one goal more important. Not weight loss, not making money, finding a rewarding career, having children, saving the whales, world peace... all of these things are results born of loving ourselves in each moment. I'm starting to think of them as connections along the way rather than destinations and things to achieve. It's seen quite often that people make goals for themselves and once they get there, find they aren't fulfilled, like so what? Why did I do this and for what? However, I can't imagine ever having those type of disappointing questions if one acts each moment out in love for themselves. To thine own self be true... and be love.
I used to ask questions like "will doing this get me to my goal"? I lived by this question and honestly that deck of cards has just fallen down everytime because what will the goal be tomorrow? Will it even be there when you get there? Will YOU even get there? What goal can you come up with that is more important than loving yourself today and in every moment? I can't think of one goal more important. Not weight loss, not making money, finding a rewarding career, having children, saving the whales, world peace... all of these things are results born of loving ourselves in each moment. I'm starting to think of them as connections along the way rather than destinations and things to achieve. It's seen quite often that people make goals for themselves and once they get there, find they aren't fulfilled, like so what? Why did I do this and for what? However, I can't imagine ever having those type of disappointing questions if one acts each moment out in love for themselves. To thine own self be true... and be love.
Monday, August 16, 2010
117-119/219/222/226: Made it out of the wilderness
Last week, it felt like I was lost in the wilderness. I didn't make great decisions, was swallowed by indecision, swamped at work, letting it get to me and using old coping mechanisms. I just was not thinking rightly. I struggled with my body and the achilles tendonitis was worse than it has been but I admit that how you think about a health condition does make it worse or better depending. I rested as much as possible. I got depressed.
I went to see Eat, Pray, Love Friday night along with every other female in Boston though I must say they were all excessively PERFUMEINNATED - a new word. Ladies, really, when going out with your gal pals you DO NOT need to wear an entire bottle of your strongest perfume. The movie was sold out with only 2 men in attendance. Lots of estrogen in the room. It was strange going by myself with everyone dressed in their Friday night get-up and imitating the clothes from the movie particularly from when she's in India. I don't know why I just thought this was silly to me. I guess I've just got my own style these days and to alter from my own style for anything seems weird. It actually was a great movie to see by myself and I walked away feeling like the experience was another wrench in the transformation wilderness. The liked the use of the word attraversiamo (to cross over) and how it was used at the end after Ketut's line "sometimes... to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life" in which case she realizes that her word is attraversiamo and that she is ready to crossover into a relationship with Felipe. Having one word that sums you up is difficult and frankly I'm one of those girls still in search of one. Maybe it is seeker but the Italian phrase used in the movie "dolce far niente" - the sweetness of doing nothing is a highly appealing concept and allowing myself to rest has been my summer theme though most of the time I fail miserably and have a constant dialogue in my head of "shoulds" while I am "Resting" though I am coming to terms with it. So with all this percolating in my head, I scootered away at first feeling very uplifted and happy and then started crying because uck - where am I, who am I, why am I here, and I want freedom. That's the gist. I'm an emotional girl - maybe I "should" be Italian! LOL.
The next day it was a lovely morning and I woke up deciding I really wanted to drop everything and go to the beach. My husband needs coaxing for this for whatever reason and we ended up going for breakfast and leaving rather late for a beach day particularly one where I insisted we must have a change of scenery and drive somewhere we've never been before. Inspired by the traveling in the night's previous movie I suppose. We finally got to one after oodles of traffic and detours, parked, settled down and then tide came in so we had to move. Then couldn't find parking at the other bigger beaches so ended up going home and went to our usual Southie beach which frankly was better anyway, just doesn't really have lapping waves like the one we drove to but you really couldn't hear them anyway over the annoying teenagers next to us fighting over something not sure what. Ugh! Anyway on the ride back to Southie, I had a meltdown. Just crying and not sure really why. I considered the time and getting back in time to make it to a yoga class where frankly all I could think about was killing myself in the mirror. The idea of being really mean to myself in the mirror and pushing myself beyond my limits so I could prove myself a failure was incredibly appealing. I warned you that I wasn't thinking rightly. I am so glad my husband veered towards the Southie beach rather than towards home or I would have ended up doing that. Instead, I settled down and both of us remarked at how actually - our beach in our back yard does the trick. I realized laying on our blanket how easy it is to use anything to punish myself. Even the healthiest things such as walking, healthy eating (did you know there is a named disorder on obsession with healthy eating) and yes, even YOGA can be used as a weapon. It explains how I have developed achilles tendonitis. Anyway, realizing one's flaws in thinking is the first step and frankly this percolating thought was the first step on the path out of the wilderness.
More movie fest continued the rest of the night and into the next morning. Rather than meditate in the afternoon (why do I avoid this and procrastinate?), I decided to watch another movie but thought hey let's at least see if I can find one about yoga. I ended up watching Enlighten Up which is a documentary about this writer who follows a subject's journey exploring yoga for a year. I liked it and it was incredibly interesting to hear this novice talk about yoga and ask questions of some of these gurus. I was most impressed with Swami Gurusharanananda and of course BKS Iyengar. Visually I loved that as he was leaving India there was a shot of him with a sign at the airport behind him that said "leave nothing behind." Though I'm pretty sure it wasn't intentional, it struck a chord with me. What does it mean to leave nothing behind in your practice? As we peel off the layers, what are willing to leave behind?
I went to see Eat, Pray, Love Friday night along with every other female in Boston though I must say they were all excessively PERFUMEINNATED - a new word. Ladies, really, when going out with your gal pals you DO NOT need to wear an entire bottle of your strongest perfume. The movie was sold out with only 2 men in attendance. Lots of estrogen in the room. It was strange going by myself with everyone dressed in their Friday night get-up and imitating the clothes from the movie particularly from when she's in India. I don't know why I just thought this was silly to me. I guess I've just got my own style these days and to alter from my own style for anything seems weird. It actually was a great movie to see by myself and I walked away feeling like the experience was another wrench in the transformation wilderness. The liked the use of the word attraversiamo (to cross over) and how it was used at the end after Ketut's line "sometimes... to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life" in which case she realizes that her word is attraversiamo and that she is ready to crossover into a relationship with Felipe. Having one word that sums you up is difficult and frankly I'm one of those girls still in search of one. Maybe it is seeker but the Italian phrase used in the movie "dolce far niente" - the sweetness of doing nothing is a highly appealing concept and allowing myself to rest has been my summer theme though most of the time I fail miserably and have a constant dialogue in my head of "shoulds" while I am "Resting" though I am coming to terms with it. So with all this percolating in my head, I scootered away at first feeling very uplifted and happy and then started crying because uck - where am I, who am I, why am I here, and I want freedom. That's the gist. I'm an emotional girl - maybe I "should" be Italian! LOL.
The next day it was a lovely morning and I woke up deciding I really wanted to drop everything and go to the beach. My husband needs coaxing for this for whatever reason and we ended up going for breakfast and leaving rather late for a beach day particularly one where I insisted we must have a change of scenery and drive somewhere we've never been before. Inspired by the traveling in the night's previous movie I suppose. We finally got to one after oodles of traffic and detours, parked, settled down and then tide came in so we had to move. Then couldn't find parking at the other bigger beaches so ended up going home and went to our usual Southie beach which frankly was better anyway, just doesn't really have lapping waves like the one we drove to but you really couldn't hear them anyway over the annoying teenagers next to us fighting over something not sure what. Ugh! Anyway on the ride back to Southie, I had a meltdown. Just crying and not sure really why. I considered the time and getting back in time to make it to a yoga class where frankly all I could think about was killing myself in the mirror. The idea of being really mean to myself in the mirror and pushing myself beyond my limits so I could prove myself a failure was incredibly appealing. I warned you that I wasn't thinking rightly. I am so glad my husband veered towards the Southie beach rather than towards home or I would have ended up doing that. Instead, I settled down and both of us remarked at how actually - our beach in our back yard does the trick. I realized laying on our blanket how easy it is to use anything to punish myself. Even the healthiest things such as walking, healthy eating (did you know there is a named disorder on obsession with healthy eating) and yes, even YOGA can be used as a weapon. It explains how I have developed achilles tendonitis. Anyway, realizing one's flaws in thinking is the first step and frankly this percolating thought was the first step on the path out of the wilderness.
More movie fest continued the rest of the night and into the next morning. Rather than meditate in the afternoon (why do I avoid this and procrastinate?), I decided to watch another movie but thought hey let's at least see if I can find one about yoga. I ended up watching Enlighten Up which is a documentary about this writer who follows a subject's journey exploring yoga for a year. I liked it and it was incredibly interesting to hear this novice talk about yoga and ask questions of some of these gurus. I was most impressed with Swami Gurusharanananda and of course BKS Iyengar. Visually I loved that as he was leaving India there was a shot of him with a sign at the airport behind him that said "leave nothing behind." Though I'm pretty sure it wasn't intentional, it struck a chord with me. What does it mean to leave nothing behind in your practice? As we peel off the layers, what are willing to leave behind?
Friday, August 6, 2010
116/216: Savasana is good.
Wow, has this week not turned out like expected. It just goes to show that expectations and bothering oneself with the future perhaps is not the best use of our time at the present moment. Yes, I'm reading "The Power of Now" right now. I've avoided writing this blog all day today. I'm really not sure what to say and can't quiet explain why I'm happy. Who cares, right? Happiness is so beautiful regardless of rhyme or reason. I'm happy I'm not going to yoga tonight and just resting at home yet at the same time craving to go to class. Weird. I've had such a rough week and just throwing everything up in the air and just spending time in only that which is delightful for me at the moment sounds wonderful. The old me thinks it's a waist of time and the new me says this is exactly where you are going and your life journey is this way...
I sat out a good portion of last night's class. I kept trying to get back into it in standing series and pride myself that I actually got in one good set of triangle. I thought perhaps I would at least have a good floor series because there the dizziness doesn't affect the balance. Well, my achilles started to throb after fixed firm and rather than keep fighting what my body was clearly tell me, I finally surrendered and laid in savasana until final breathing exercise. I always used to think I was such a loser or a wimp if I laid in savasana but honestly, to lay there and just let my body heal was the best thing I could ever do for myself at that moment. I could just feel the oxygenated blood circulating into the area and I sweat like crazy just laying there and breathing. Someone mentioned to me they thought I looked like a wax figure as the sweat was just beading on me. It goes to show how just breathing can create heat in the body.
Too often sometimes teachers give the guilt trip for sitting out of postures but really how do you know that's not exactly what the student needs for that moment? Sure it's "better" to get all of the postures but better is a relative term. I had all the oxygen my healing body could take for one day, just what I needed for the moment or at least what I was willing to accept for the moment. This is the key point. I must concede that I am afraid and in unchartered territory for myself. The thought that I can just enjoy a moment without thought as to the future or the past and that this has value is frighteningly wonderful to me. That each moment I can choose to do what I deem best for me at that moment regardless of outcome, expectations, situation. My god that is truly FREEDOM. "Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows." That's in my head for some reason. If anyone knows the rest of the rhyme, let me know.
I realize I am reiterating things I have been learning since January but for whatever reason it has clicked in a very real way for me. So as my one friend said to me last night, "I am thankful for my pain" and ... savasana is good.
I sat out a good portion of last night's class. I kept trying to get back into it in standing series and pride myself that I actually got in one good set of triangle. I thought perhaps I would at least have a good floor series because there the dizziness doesn't affect the balance. Well, my achilles started to throb after fixed firm and rather than keep fighting what my body was clearly tell me, I finally surrendered and laid in savasana until final breathing exercise. I always used to think I was such a loser or a wimp if I laid in savasana but honestly, to lay there and just let my body heal was the best thing I could ever do for myself at that moment. I could just feel the oxygenated blood circulating into the area and I sweat like crazy just laying there and breathing. Someone mentioned to me they thought I looked like a wax figure as the sweat was just beading on me. It goes to show how just breathing can create heat in the body.
Too often sometimes teachers give the guilt trip for sitting out of postures but really how do you know that's not exactly what the student needs for that moment? Sure it's "better" to get all of the postures but better is a relative term. I had all the oxygen my healing body could take for one day, just what I needed for the moment or at least what I was willing to accept for the moment. This is the key point. I must concede that I am afraid and in unchartered territory for myself. The thought that I can just enjoy a moment without thought as to the future or the past and that this has value is frighteningly wonderful to me. That each moment I can choose to do what I deem best for me at that moment regardless of outcome, expectations, situation. My god that is truly FREEDOM. "Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows." That's in my head for some reason. If anyone knows the rest of the rhyme, let me know.
I realize I am reiterating things I have been learning since January but for whatever reason it has clicked in a very real way for me. So as my one friend said to me last night, "I am thankful for my pain" and ... savasana is good.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
115/215: Death
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| YOGA DEATH... |
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DEATH... yes??? yes. YES. You figure it out. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around something brains aren't meant to wrap around. |
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
114/213: ... and the bottom falls out
Interesting blog title. I have been dreading writing this blog and I have been scrambling to deal with a new development in my life. I recently went to a podiatrist for my heel issue and walked away with a diagnosis that included the statement "yeah, I don't think yoga is in your best interest - regardless of style and not just for now but for ever". How can yoga not be good for me or anybody??? Well, my body the way that it is just by itself puts too much pressure on the achilles at the insertion point of the heel (where there happens to be a heel spur growing as a result of this and previous plantar fascia problems) add tight calves which also add pressure to the tendon add locking the knee which oh, by the way mine hyperextends back naturally when locked so this increases the pressure on the heel particularly when we put weight back on the heels! Grrr.........................................
I haven't given up and I am sure there are some slight modifications I can do even putting a towel under my heel or wearing some heel raising boot. There's got to be some stretches out there for my tight calves that ALSO don't put pressure on the achilles point. There's got to be some strength training for the opposing muscles so that my calves and achilles don't feel like they have to take the burden. I tried the towel under the foot last night in class and it was incredibly informative. Suddenly a whole new set of muscles needed to get to work and at the end of class in savasana it felt like my calves just started to unravel. Maybe I can change my body and my alignment so one day this isn't a problem and maybe I can do it with yoga. Maybe my old idea of these postures dones with my old body needs to change as I change my body to be in the posture - my best posture for my best body. It felt really good to write that. Or maybe a whole new door will open. It feels like the bottom has fallen out right now but that does create a doorway didn't it?
I am sure that this is for the best some how. My theme in life lately has been to surrender, embrace, accept, be in the moment and move forward. If it had not been for my yoga, I'm not sure I would be able to think and feel this way and keep this level-headed. So I've ended right side up yet once again.
I haven't given up and I am sure there are some slight modifications I can do even putting a towel under my heel or wearing some heel raising boot. There's got to be some stretches out there for my tight calves that ALSO don't put pressure on the achilles point. There's got to be some strength training for the opposing muscles so that my calves and achilles don't feel like they have to take the burden. I tried the towel under the foot last night in class and it was incredibly informative. Suddenly a whole new set of muscles needed to get to work and at the end of class in savasana it felt like my calves just started to unravel. Maybe I can change my body and my alignment so one day this isn't a problem and maybe I can do it with yoga. Maybe my old idea of these postures dones with my old body needs to change as I change my body to be in the posture - my best posture for my best body. It felt really good to write that. Or maybe a whole new door will open. It feels like the bottom has fallen out right now but that does create a doorway didn't it?
I am sure that this is for the best some how. My theme in life lately has been to surrender, embrace, accept, be in the moment and move forward. If it had not been for my yoga, I'm not sure I would be able to think and feel this way and keep this level-headed. So I've ended right side up yet once again.
Monday, August 2, 2010
113/212: Getting it done and doing homework :(
I went to yoga early yesterday because if I didn't there was no way I was going to make it. The pull to stay in the hammock and lounge around would have been too great. I tried to do a little bit of yoga in the morning before singing at church and man was I tight! I was better for the stretching with my singing but whew! I don't think I've been that tight in a really long time. I don't like 2 days off of yoga in a row. I really don't like it. One day. Yes. Two. No. Live and learn.
Anyway, I wasn't so tight in class granted it was an afternoon after singing all morning. Coaching session for the competition followed the class so I am a wee-bit sore this morning. But nothing a class tonight won't cure!
I am hoping this week to get back to doing my extra stretches. I am looking forward to doing some HOMEWORK! Before or after class in addition to running the program I will try to do 10-15 repetitions of set-ups for Standing Head to Knee (just grab the foot, lock the leg and back down THEN the same with a kick-out), Standing Bow Pulling (grab the foot and bring the arm up at the same time), Bow (just work on grabbing the feet at the same time), rabbit (grip then first part head to the floor - thumb with index finger!), stretching (lock the legs and grab the toes). Then spider (get into lotus and swing back) and shoulder stand (proper form getting in savasana with palms down, point toes over head [toenails on ground], adjust arms for shoulder stand, knees to forehead with toes pointed up, then up - reverse coming back out).
I love form and routine. Scary.
I am also starting a membership at the Y today that I got discounted a while ago so we will see what swimming feels like after class :)
Anyway, I wasn't so tight in class granted it was an afternoon after singing all morning. Coaching session for the competition followed the class so I am a wee-bit sore this morning. But nothing a class tonight won't cure!
I am hoping this week to get back to doing my extra stretches. I am looking forward to doing some HOMEWORK! Before or after class in addition to running the program I will try to do 10-15 repetitions of set-ups for Standing Head to Knee (just grab the foot, lock the leg and back down THEN the same with a kick-out), Standing Bow Pulling (grab the foot and bring the arm up at the same time), Bow (just work on grabbing the feet at the same time), rabbit (grip then first part head to the floor - thumb with index finger!), stretching (lock the legs and grab the toes). Then spider (get into lotus and swing back) and shoulder stand (proper form getting in savasana with palms down, point toes over head [toenails on ground], adjust arms for shoulder stand, knees to forehead with toes pointed up, then up - reverse coming back out).
I love form and routine. Scary.
I am also starting a membership at the Y today that I got discounted a while ago so we will see what swimming feels like after class :)
Friday, July 30, 2010
110/111/112 out of 205/206/209: If you don't use it...I'm a wave maker
Strange title, I know. Summertime is just not the time for coherency anyway or keeping up with blogs it seems either!
Due to juicing distraction, lack of sleep and being too lazy to get up early enough in the morning - I have not been getting my stretching in like I would prefer. I am doing a little here and there but not on any time-table or consistency.
I did some advanced postures on Sunday night - not a full advanced class - an abridged version of postures the team felt would work for our bodies. I can happily report that I can do 2! LOL. My ego is not completely bruised. No one looked more surprised than me that it was easy to get in lotus and that I have a good spider! I always loved spiders - they eat mosquitoes! And somehow I was doing a shoulder stand! So those are my two optional postures.
I had a tight body class last night which isn't necessarily a bad thing but just goes to show that the stretching and staying away from dairy and coffee work but only if you work it!
On another note, it has been a busy week at work as part of stepping down from a position on a committee. I have never stepped down from anything in my life but it became all to clear that this position was going nowhere and doing nothing for me, not even interesting to me. I've been busy preparing the materials for the newby. Great to know they replaced me in like 15 minutes. The whole experience has confirmed how easily replaced and expendable we are and how much I don't like that and yet how freeing it is at the same time. Working on some changes for the future I believe.
Anyway, finishing up today handing off the position and there is a sense of freedom in the air. It also became clear to me that most people at work prefer to surround themselves with people who don't make waves. At the same time, I realized that I am a wavemaker! Not only do I realize it, but I think now I embrace it! So deal people. I make waves. I'm a mover and a shaker and unless you want a wild ride and aren't completely happy and serene in the middle of chaos - then you'd best be on your way! I am no more ashamed of my nature than the ocean is ashamed of a Hurricane. I'm at peace with my nature and make adjustments accordingly.
Due to juicing distraction, lack of sleep and being too lazy to get up early enough in the morning - I have not been getting my stretching in like I would prefer. I am doing a little here and there but not on any time-table or consistency.
I did some advanced postures on Sunday night - not a full advanced class - an abridged version of postures the team felt would work for our bodies. I can happily report that I can do 2! LOL. My ego is not completely bruised. No one looked more surprised than me that it was easy to get in lotus and that I have a good spider! I always loved spiders - they eat mosquitoes! And somehow I was doing a shoulder stand! So those are my two optional postures.
I had a tight body class last night which isn't necessarily a bad thing but just goes to show that the stretching and staying away from dairy and coffee work but only if you work it!
On another note, it has been a busy week at work as part of stepping down from a position on a committee. I have never stepped down from anything in my life but it became all to clear that this position was going nowhere and doing nothing for me, not even interesting to me. I've been busy preparing the materials for the newby. Great to know they replaced me in like 15 minutes. The whole experience has confirmed how easily replaced and expendable we are and how much I don't like that and yet how freeing it is at the same time. Working on some changes for the future I believe.
Anyway, finishing up today handing off the position and there is a sense of freedom in the air. It also became clear to me that most people at work prefer to surround themselves with people who don't make waves. At the same time, I realized that I am a wavemaker! Not only do I realize it, but I think now I embrace it! So deal people. I make waves. I'm a mover and a shaker and unless you want a wild ride and aren't completely happy and serene in the middle of chaos - then you'd best be on your way! I am no more ashamed of my nature than the ocean is ashamed of a Hurricane. I'm at peace with my nature and make adjustments accordingly.
Friday, July 23, 2010
109/202: Doing my homework starts to pay off
So the extra stretching I have been doing is definitely paying off in the backbending that uses gravity - half moon and camel. I am also feeling a difference in the backbending series particularly in the thoracic region. However the lower back and the locust posture leaves something to be desired. Must build more strength.
I'm always a little wonky in the balancing series during the class but then the extra sets I do at the end of SH2K and standing bow are better. BUILDING muscles in the legs, calves, ankles. That tendency to roll out to the edge of the feet is strong with this little grasshopper and she is mindful of planting her tripod roots in the sand and growing up through the ankle!
So I am thinking of what might happen if I actually get consistent with this stretching and extra sets program. T'INK OF IT!
The extra sets at the end of the class really aren't that hard and actually I feel really amazing after doing them. The first posture is always the hardest but once I start working on it, I start to feel the strength of doing it. I try each side 3 times in the SH2K and standing bow (because I fall out). Then two sets of floor bow, rabbit and paschimottanasa. It's a start.
I'm always a little wonky in the balancing series during the class but then the extra sets I do at the end of SH2K and standing bow are better. BUILDING muscles in the legs, calves, ankles. That tendency to roll out to the edge of the feet is strong with this little grasshopper and she is mindful of planting her tripod roots in the sand and growing up through the ankle!
So I am thinking of what might happen if I actually get consistent with this stretching and extra sets program. T'INK OF IT!
The extra sets at the end of the class really aren't that hard and actually I feel really amazing after doing them. The first posture is always the hardest but once I start working on it, I start to feel the strength of doing it. I try each side 3 times in the SH2K and standing bow (because I fall out). Then two sets of floor bow, rabbit and paschimottanasa. It's a start.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
108/201: 20 minutes and LOTS of stretching
I did a quick warm-up using the standing series and then did lots of stretching last night. I've been meaning to work on that stuff for a while so it felt good to do it, but damn why is it so time consuming to start something new in your regimen???
OK - well, I'm pressed for time today. Voice lesson tonight then class at the studio and then clean studio. I'm looking forward to a full 90 minute HOT class tonight.
Keepin' it real peoples!
OK - well, I'm pressed for time today. Voice lesson tonight then class at the studio and then clean studio. I'm looking forward to a full 90 minute HOT class tonight.
Keepin' it real peoples!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
107/200:Hello!
I took the back row last night. I'm working on "stuff" with my postures and just didn't want to be in the front row to do it. So I came to realize that my practice last night so freaking counts! What a difference that kind of work makes when you come back into the hot room. I think my standing head to knee is getting better already. I was able to try to kick out with my right leg at least. The left which has the heel issue just wasn't having that. Anyway, I am a good sore from all this work!
At the end, I did an extra set of SH2K, Standing Bow, Camel, Rabbit and Paschimottanasana. I realized after that I should have done floor bow. Oh well. I also didn't hold them very long, but it's a start. Baby steps always into something new. I did some extra that's enough to start.
I went home and inhaled fruit for dinner. Yummy blueberries from the public market with peaches and then sliced up an orange. That was dinner! It's all I wanted. Then I did some singin' and it felt super good. To have such an open body when singing just feels awesome. What doesn't feel so awesome is getting cramps in your feet and calves when your done singing. I guess too much standing in place right after a yoga class and PROBABLY not enough electrolyte balance in the body. Live and learn. I topped off the evening with a lovely hot bath with tea tree oil in it, made a few phone calls that I was procrastinating on and went off to BED!
It always amazes me how much I do in a day, but at the same time how I can't seem to do enough??? I need to fix this issue. Not today.
At the end, I did an extra set of SH2K, Standing Bow, Camel, Rabbit and Paschimottanasana. I realized after that I should have done floor bow. Oh well. I also didn't hold them very long, but it's a start. Baby steps always into something new. I did some extra that's enough to start.
I went home and inhaled fruit for dinner. Yummy blueberries from the public market with peaches and then sliced up an orange. That was dinner! It's all I wanted. Then I did some singin' and it felt super good. To have such an open body when singing just feels awesome. What doesn't feel so awesome is getting cramps in your feet and calves when your done singing. I guess too much standing in place right after a yoga class and PROBABLY not enough electrolyte balance in the body. Live and learn. I topped off the evening with a lovely hot bath with tea tree oil in it, made a few phone calls that I was procrastinating on and went off to BED!
It always amazes me how much I do in a day, but at the same time how I can't seem to do enough??? I need to fix this issue. Not today.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
106/199: Making it up as I go along
I sang first thing when I got home last night and it felt really good to sing again. Yeah, I still got it!
Then I went and picked up my new scooter (photos to follow later) and took "Effelina" for a ride. She's seafoam minty green. They don't carry this particular scooter in yellow. I am crushed by this but loving my new smooth ride.
I then puttered around looking at my yoga book and by the time I new it, I really didn't have enough time to an entire 90 minute practice at home. I went through the standing series, savasana and wind removing pose then called it a night. I was loose with this practice and took some time to work out the postures a little so it felt more like a techniques class than an actual practice. But all yoga, is good yoga. :)
It's not a full class but at this point I'm not sure I'm caring about that. I think as long as I am putting some time in with my yoga it counts as a day with yoga in it. Who knows. I'm sick of rules. I'm making it up as I go along.
Then I went and picked up my new scooter (photos to follow later) and took "Effelina" for a ride. She's seafoam minty green. They don't carry this particular scooter in yellow. I am crushed by this but loving my new smooth ride.
I then puttered around looking at my yoga book and by the time I new it, I really didn't have enough time to an entire 90 minute practice at home. I went through the standing series, savasana and wind removing pose then called it a night. I was loose with this practice and took some time to work out the postures a little so it felt more like a techniques class than an actual practice. But all yoga, is good yoga. :)
It's not a full class but at this point I'm not sure I'm caring about that. I think as long as I am putting some time in with my yoga it counts as a day with yoga in it. Who knows. I'm sick of rules. I'm making it up as I go along.
Monday, July 19, 2010
105/198: I made it!
I did a Sunday practice which I must say I'm not into these summer days especially when I'm so busy on the clearing out of my home space. I bought a new scooter yesterday that I pick up later tonight, but it took so long at the store that I wasn't sure I would make it to the class. I walked in late which I hate to do but was on my mat and in pranayama by the 5th breath cycle first set! It took the the rest of the first set to get the breath under control but then the rest of the class was just really nice. Doing my thing. Moving meditation. Appropriate uncomfortable sensations! My locking leg is getting better on the right side, but the left is just taking a while.
I felt a little full and wished I hadn't eaten lunch so late, note to self.
I stayed for the meeting about the competition coming up in October so I am glad I made it to the class and decided to come. Mr. Doubt was saying "Who do you think you are? You're not good enough to do this! You don't belong!" but that's not what this "competition" is about. I just want to get better and this provides and opportunity to do that. I also am very proud of my practice. I have come a very, very long way from whence I started and I'm interested in how much further I can go in the next few months with a little help, attention to detail and a little extra smart tools and sweat.
I am practicing at home tonight and looking forward to a really humid practice and stretching after.
LOCK THE KNEE... and everything else in the leg.
I felt a little full and wished I hadn't eaten lunch so late, note to self.
I stayed for the meeting about the competition coming up in October so I am glad I made it to the class and decided to come. Mr. Doubt was saying "Who do you think you are? You're not good enough to do this! You don't belong!" but that's not what this "competition" is about. I just want to get better and this provides and opportunity to do that. I also am very proud of my practice. I have come a very, very long way from whence I started and I'm interested in how much further I can go in the next few months with a little help, attention to detail and a little extra smart tools and sweat.
I am practicing at home tonight and looking forward to a really humid practice and stretching after.
LOCK THE KNEE... and everything else in the leg.
Friday, July 16, 2010
104/195: R-Exploration
I am in to making up my own words lately. This is a composite of Rest and Exploration. I am exploring rest and exploration right now so this is good. For a change, I'm actually balancing this rest thing out pretty well and don't find myself bored or restless. Three classes a week is okay for now for me and it leaves room for exploration elsewhere. Meditation. Music. Social time. Other physical activities though this is limited as I await word on my pesky heel problems (I finally made a Doctor's appointment and I will find out what the verdict is next week). Most of all, the time has afforded READING. Reading about yoga and qigong and meditation! I will also admit that I have spent some time with entertainment and specifically watching old Moonlighting episodes and laughing and giggling like a little girl. ;)
I've toyed with worrying about whether I'm doing enough, getting enough done, and whether or not I'm losing weight and honestly it's just not worth the energy. So poo-poo on that as I saunter back to my hammock. Everything is better with a hammock.
I am going to just own my R-Exploration.
Class last night was nice. They are all nice lately. Quality, not quantity - but hey that's part of my R-exploration this week. I like my new word!
I've toyed with worrying about whether I'm doing enough, getting enough done, and whether or not I'm losing weight and honestly it's just not worth the energy. So poo-poo on that as I saunter back to my hammock. Everything is better with a hammock.
I am going to just own my R-Exploration.
Class last night was nice. They are all nice lately. Quality, not quantity - but hey that's part of my R-exploration this week. I like my new word!
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