So it's part of my experience and I just need to get it out of my system. I'm a mess. A complete mess. This always happens when I am about to metamorphasize so don't worry I'm not jumping out any windows soon but opening them up and airing out the room sounds good.
To lay it out on the table:
Okay well, not. I started listing all the things WRONG with my life and me and realized who the hell would want to see that laundry list? Besides the gist is this: The current distance between my present "dream of life" and where I envision and desire my life to be is too far. From work, family, friends down to having clean underwear - the distance is too great.
What's scary is that this vision is so different from even 3 years ago that I wonder if making any changes are even worth it when I seem to change my mind so freakin' dramatically???
Why am I doing this 90 day challenge? It's such a rigid practice. It's so demanding. A challenge is such a pushy thing to do. It seems so opposite of what I have been working on - finding rest and peace, achieving balance and variety in my life. This is an experiment. The hypothesis is that if I can find balance and variety, rest and peace in this practice - then perhaps I can find it throughout the rest of my life. The challenge isn't necessarily the yoga, although it is definitely KICKING MY ASS right now. I mean I am even having difficulty breathing particularly now that I am sticking my stomach MORE in. Anyway, the challenge is figuring out how to fit the life into-around-through the yoga practice. Judgemental mind is saying "you are not doing a very good job of it".
I'm just not balancing very well right now which I, of course, immediately internalize into not liking myself or my life (two very broad terms) very much. Typical response. Can we say amplify the experience much"
Sigh. Time to go back to my mantra that was with me from the beginning of all my lifestyle changes in JUNE 2008 - "I am always kindler and gentler with myself and treat myself with tender, loving care."
Feel better now - the fresh air is now permeating the room of my life and if I've got to knock down walls and redecorate later - then fine, so be it.
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Sometimes a good vent is just what we need to pull things into focus. I so admire the dedication and care you give to yourself. Be proud, hun. :)
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