81.5/146: Living artfully...

As I stare at the blank screen thinking of what to write, the tag line to my blog was staring right back at me.  It occurred to me that, recently at least, I have not been living very artfully.  I have made lifeless tasks out of the duties of my life.  I've made mindless lists of things to do without regard to the meaning and motivation behind them.  I keep trying work on my vision collage and goals for life.  I often get sidetracked or overwhelmed by the confusion it brings and an hour later give up realizing this project isn't "right" for me right now or at least I am not approaching it with the "right" mentality.  I'm right.  I'm approaching it as another thing to get off the list and not an opportunity to live artfully.  And once something gets crossed off the list do you think that I even celebrate this astonishing miracle?  Nope.  It gets crossed off the list and probably something else added in its place.  How mundane is this?  No fun.  Old habits die hard I guess.  Well, I can change this attitude.

Anyway, yoga was smooth last night.  Being in the front of the room keeps me honest and motivates me to do better.  Rounding down, clasping my hands in front of me below my knee before I lift the foot in standing head to knee I think will pay off long term in standing head to knee.  The alignment is better and works the muscles which need working.  Lock the knee?  Lock inner calves, thighs, outer thigh and glutes - suck the stomach in and do all this and breathe! ha, ha.

My ankles hurt. 

That's it. Happy Memorial day weekend. No yoga planned just working on my deck at home and de-cluttering my home.

Day 80.5/145: Getting by...

I'm getting by.  For the record, getting by sucks but I guess I can learn to be happy from where I currently am.  But let me just have a moment here.... BOO, HOO, HOO and wah!!!!!!!!!! ... ok, I guess I'll smile if I must.  Yoga is no fun right now.  Honestly, I think the position of my bones are moving... my ankles, hips - they pop... this I am sure will be a good thing in the long run (the moving that is not the popping) but umm... ouch and whoa this is disconcerting.  I must learn to just love this I guess. [Grrr. Pout. Twirl around and two year old stomp my foot.]

I'm doing lots of good work clearing out the house - you know getting rid of baggage in life.  This is big stuff even if it just seems like little stuff. Seriously, I've got lots of stuff on my to-do list that I'm really not sure I want on there or not.  My brain hurts trying to figure out whether this list even belongs to me or not.

I just received my new alarm clock last night from Now and Zen and it is so nice waking up to a bell chiming - a real, lovely sweet sounding chime not some digital imposture from my cell phone. :)  I made an attempt to meditate on my lunch hour.  Of course, 3 minutes into it I got a phone call from someone I had been playing phone tag with for a job that it turns out I'm not interested in.  This is life.

Tonight is 81.5.  This weekend I am going to do a half set - that .5 is killing me for whatever reason.

I've decided I am not going to yoga tomorrow after work.  I am going to go straight home and have a beer. This might not be considered the healthiest of things to do and you might be shocked to hear me say this - but it is exactly what this little overachiever needs right now.

Day 79.5/144: I did my duty

I had a nice weekend off from yoga.  Made a dent in cleaning my house, took a long walk to Castle Island and back.  I had a lovely dinner with my husband and watched a funny movie.  I really miss my time at home.  I did my duty and went to class last night.  I have to be honest.  I didn't enjoy one posture. Not one.  Normally after a few days off the first class back can feel great.  Not this one.  I was tight in my hips.  Pin pricking random pains in my left heel and calf.  Limbs felt like a ton of bricks in Backbending. And Camel.  Not sure what's going on there but every ounce of self-preservation says don't relax your head back. I keep trying. I did my daily duty.  I was tired afterward and turned in at 9 pm.

Head to knee pose in floor seems to be making some progress.  Thinking about pushing the backs of my knees into the floor really seems to help.  I definitely feel like I am in a tournaquet or a straight jacket more like it!  Anyway, there's a little positive there. 

I keep trying to get up early to do yoga before going to work and it just isn't happening.  I went to bed early but I was still so tired when I woke up this morning.  I am blaming it on my new mattress.  I just feel like I could lay in bed for a week.  I've got another appointment after work today and my husband wants to watch a movie tonight, but perhaps I will see if I can squeeze in a half class at home tonight and get rid of that little half up there in the days.

Day 38: Sense of adventure

I had a wonderful voice lesson yesterday  - it was wonderfully random and freeing and it felt so joyous to sing! It was followed by a very good, smooth class.  After first savasana it popped into my completely clear head that this "challenge" does not fit my goals as a human being.  It's not the yoga, the heat or even the strain (And pain) of going daily ~ but the lack of balance I am experiencing as a result of how I have set this challenge up.  90 classes in 90 days and then what?  It sounds alot like all or nothing syndrome as we call it in sparkpeople.  You know if I do x,y,z then I'll finally be able to live the way I want to kind of mentality.  No thanks.  I've been finding myself putting things in life on hold "until I'm done with my challenge".  What's the point in that? That doesn't match what I had in mind to learn how to fit my LIFE into my yoga.

So...  here's my plan:

• Count up my days of yoga per the days of the year and see where I end up at the end of the year (this sounds like fun!)
• Strive for a daily practice
• When I can't make it to the hot room and my schedule allows me to make time at home to practice (without losing sleep) - practice at home
• Continue to document my experience here in this blog
• Do doubles when I feel good and I feel like I want and need more practice that week
• Continue to do my very best for that day
• Seek expert advice on how to improve the quality of my practice and my life
• Read the books again

I can't practice tonight and I knew that going in.  I might not practice tomorrow.  I might take a little time to regroup, tend to some things at home and then get right back into it on Sunday.

I'm feeling good about this change... who knows where it will lead... and I like having a little sense of adventure!

Day 37: What's the point?

I had a great class yesterday despite my hemming and hawwing about not wanting to go.  It's ALWAYS that way and I KNOW it which is why most of the time when I really don't want to go - I go!  Anyway, on my way to class I was thinking about goals and how many of them are stale and feel like a ton of bricks on my back.  After class, one of the other girls asked how my challenge is going.  I said I was on day 37 and a bit behind and that I would need to do a number of doubles or just extend my challenge.  It was like she was reading my mind when she said "well the challenge is in learning how to fit this in your life."  That is exactly the point of this challenge for me.  Why would I expect that I would be perfect?  I hold a full-time job, a part-time job, I am a work-study at the studio, I have goals in singing, I have weight-loss goals outside of my yoga practice, I continue therapy which is a lot of work letting go of old baggage and learning how to rethink, I am happily married, I need to cook - clean - and do laundry, organize and de-clutter, I've got to deal with all the other stuff in life you just can't plan for and EVERY ONCE in a WHILE, I'd really like to feel like I have a moment that is not structured and planned!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Anyway, the point of this is not to be obsessive-compulsive nor to presume that other people who don't accomplish challenges have busy lives.  The point is to experiment with how to find joy in a daily yoga practice and fit the life INTO this lifelong practice.  INTO not around. Not separate.  Not in nice, little, neat separate boxes.  How does it all come together, what do I do?  Like the Geoffrey Rush's character in Shakespeare in Love to the question what do I do? "Nothing. Strangely enough it all turns out well. How? I don't know.  It's a mystery."

You can do it!!! You just have to get to the room...

Writing to encourage myself to get to Day 37.  Didn't practice yesterday because I had acupuncture and can't practice afterwards.  I could have practiced in the morning at home but it took so darn long to figure out how to get the series on my MP3 player so I could practice without waking up the neighborhood at that early hour that getting up that early actually just didn't happen.   Last night I really enjoyed laying in bed reading a wonderful book - The Shack.  It was a very different perspective on forgiveness that I enjoyed.  I finished the book around 12:30 am.  Needless to say, I am tired and not feeling it today.  I had a physical training session today that I also didn't feel like going to but felt great afterward.  I showed up with all sorts of requests to help strengthen the lower abdominals, hip flexors and ankles to improve my yoga practice!  That just makes me laugh.  She also showed me how to use the gravitron to learn how to do pull-ups and she showed the CORRECT way to do sit-ups and PUSH-UPS.  It was fun.

I haven't had enough water to drink.  I just had some espresso with hot chocolate.  I'd really rather go home and curl up with this dreary weather outside.  I'm not looking forward to all these doubles I have to do.  The prospect is discouraging.  I'm not looking forward to walking home by myself afterward tonight since I don't have "Effie, the little yellow wonder scooter" today.  I'll have to tell you about her sometime if you don't know about my fabulous little moped.  I've got to prepare for my voice lesson tomorrow.  Long story short - I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA! Not at ALL! 

Oh well, it can't hurt me to show up and dip my toes in the water so to speak.  Even if I just do 1% of the posture the correct way, I will get some benefit and some benefit is better than none.  I'll feel better after and be clear-headed and able to accomplish more when I get home with my music and COOKING.  I need food in my house made!

Day 36: You are ready to look inward for the answers

"I don't think you really need to look for the answers outside of yourself.  I think all the answers you need you already have..."  Comment from my teacher last night or something to that effect. She's right.  I do know what is best for me, but sometimes I just long for someone to do the work for me and tell me what to do  then perhaps I wouldn't need to carry the responsibility.  I long for a mentor to guide me but a good mentor rarely answers a question.  Every great teacher in all the stories always answers a question with a question or some parable you have to wrack your brain around to understand for yourself.  So look inward I must and take responsibility for my life, all of my life, every miniscule little part of it.