Counting up the days...

So my path has gone off in another direction.  Currently, I feel as if I spend my time counting up the days, I will miss the day!  It's hard for me to let "things" go.  Beliefs. Ideas. Emotions. Habits.  All, once realized no longer fit me or my situation, are surprisingly difficult to let go.  My nasty little mind says is I am a "quitter", a "baby", a "weakling", "worthless".  What misery.  So I live miserable in limbo until the misery is too great to withstand.  I have loved this quote by Aldo Carotenuto since I first read it a year ago "Ambiguity has a destabilzing effect ... very few have the courage or the strength to hold the tension between opposites until a completely new standpoint emerges.  This is because in acknowledging contradictory truths, one has to create an inner equilibrium to keep from being torn in two" and one hopes that the center will hold as opposed to Yeats end of the world poem.  It holds as long as hope shall last.  Hope that I am moving on to something better?  But to hope into the unknown... That's some scary shit! Perhaps, I'm not so profound after all, you may be thinking, but I like keeping it real. 

So where am I?  I am practicing yoga and not just the hatha hot room kind either.  I am practicing yoga in my daily life, in my choices, in my vision, in my meditation, in my eating, in my sleeping, in my rest, in my creativity, in my relationships, in my EVERYTHING.  And just like in the hot room - sometimes is goes great and sometimes well, not.  Either way, it does not matter.  It is in the doing that is the delight.  Or at least, this is what I am working towards.

It became clear to me that blogging about every yoga class in such a regimented way was taking away from my delight in doing which is not my purpose.  It was forcing my mind to analyze and in many ways it colored in my experience for me even before I even had an experience.  I think in many ways those doing the Bikram training are encouraged not to write blogs about their experience, because it forces process where there is none to be had.  Not that there isn't a process but perhaps it is not the mind analysis with which we are so familiar.  Change is the only thing constant and even that is not something I can "hold on to" and I vascillate between scrambling for dear life for a foothold and jumping off the ledge.

It no longer really matters to me how many yoga classes I got to in a week or year because I am constantly practicing yoga.  I still do my best to at least show up in the hot room twice a week.  See how difficult it is to let go???  Why must I count and show and tell?  I vascillate.  Maybe I will do a yoga challenge again some time, maybe not.  Maybe I will just do it and not tell anyone, even myself!  Maybe I will just follow joy in my life.  Maybe I will meditate more. Unknown.

ANYWAYS (my favorite word), the original point of this blog is kind of obsolete now.   I am going to change the intro a little and keep it up and write here and there when I feel a revelation needs broadcasting. 

All the best to everyone. Namaste.

124/251: Subtle.

Had my first class last night after I think 2.5 weeks off.  No major events.  Clean practice and good for my spine which loved a good back and forward bend.  No improvement on my achilles but it didn't kill me and I was able to stay standing and adjust depth for my current state of affairs.  Standing on one foot is so hard right now.  Patience.

I'm feeling these days like the benefits for me are not there though I know they are.  Everything is much more subtle at this stage of the game.  The healing is deeper and not as surface.  The yoga is working on other aspects of life which are more apparent.  How I miss those days of high after a first class back or better yet 3 in a row.  Ok - well ciao for now.  Busy at work these days so not as much time to write.  Going to the 5:30 class after work.  Looking forward to a chill Friday afer work class.

Under construction...

I'm on a hiatus from vacation and begin vacation part two later tonight.  I haven't had a hot yoga class in over a week and just on Wednesday had a tinge of maybe I'd like to take one.  I miss activity and exercise all together!  We went to a yoga dance class Tuesday night that was just a blast.  Worked up quite a bit of sweat too.  Anyway, I'm back out tonight for apple-picking, swimming and more R&R.  I am re-evaluating how important rest is and how important it is to avoid repetition for me.   Life is chaos - it's best to get on with it, get used to it and be at peace within that chaos.  I rely on too many things outside of me for happiness. Enough for now, I'm working on things broken in me... I guess you could say I have a huge under-construction sign posted on my fore-head.

123/235: Honoring myself and my practice

My newest mantra is "I honor myself and my practice".  It's hard to beat myself up, to go beyond what I should, AND the opposite -  not do enough -  when I say this to myself.  It's also difficult to to be anywhere but in the present when I say this to myself.  Another day of yoga in the zone.  I'm feeling stronger.

The achilles is a bit sore today and achey.  Gotta get the ice out. Grr.  No yoga tonight - plain old rainy night at home.  5 o'clock can't come soon enough.

Nama ....zzzz.....

122/234: In the zone.

Last night's practice was really just in the zone.  I went in with the mindset to just honor myself and my practice.  For whatever reason, I just was in the moment the entire class. It felt good.

Gotta love the good days and just say thank you.

122/230: Crocodiles, Sharks and Teradactyls! ANYWAY...

You're wondering what the...?  OK, "BEAR" with me.  Hee, hee.

One of the things you may or may not know about me is that I've lost 75 pounds over the past two years.  Yippee. Woohoo.  Cartwheels. Okay whatever.  Get over it.  I am still 25 pounds from my goal.  Here's the thing.  I could continue to beat my body into submission, go to extremes, even punish it with repetitive use causing additional tendonitis but that's not what I started this all for.  I started this all for health and wellness and the kind that lasts forever so hence a healthy lifestyle.  I've been "working" on finding balance through including more REST in my life.  Not so easy for someone who is afraid of being "LAZY" due to various childhood upbringing craziness. Despite doing all this, I still ended up with achilles tendonitis but that's neither here nor there because it is a blessing in disguise as it is a fabulous forced teaching tool for me.  ANYWAY... point is that I am not willing to go down the dark path for some set "goal" to get the results.  I'll the path less traveled but not the one that berates me and beats me to a pulp.  I've learned better.

So now what?  I'm reading this book on weight loss recommended on a yoga forum that appealed to me in its concept of the body knowing how to do this without me getting in the way.  Without charts and schedules and calculations and all that exacting stuff we think about when setting ourselves upon yet another weight loss/exercise miracle solution.  Two things so far from this book have struck a chord with me.  1) The author presents the question "Do I feel safe being thin?" and 2) When you introduce the stresses to your body that make it believe it needs to thin in order to survive the weight loss battle has been one - "get thin or get eaten" concept.

1) Do I feel safe being thin?  Nope. I still can't believe after 75 pounds gone my answer is no.  But alas, losing the last 25 pounds in my head has the tiniest tinge of lack of safety.  That layer of fat around my tummy, thighs and butt is my little security blanky.  From what am I trying to keep secure from and how can I address this? So in Monkey mind the following is going on and below are some better "solutions":

a) In my monkey mind, it saves this blonde haired, blue eyed, "well-rounded" desirable female from being a target of EVERY crazy on the street. 

• Even at 220 pounds and overweight I still had those crazies so I might as well be strong, balanced and healthy with peace of mind to better fend them off...  It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.

b) It protects my gut from getting kicked in the stomach - an experience it would not like repeated. 

• A strong abs and core (already there) doesn't need that layer of fat to protect me. If I didn't have all this extra baggage and peace of mind, it would be easier to move out of the way next time and avoid the situation.  It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.

c) It gives me an excuse NOT to sit and rest - something I don't allow myself for fear of being indeed "lazy like my mother" as my mean-spirited and equally lazy father so aptly said to me once.

• I don't need an excuse to rest or not to rest.  Rest is something everyone deserves and needs and at their own specifications not designated by anyone else.  Rest is a part of a well-balanced, healthy life-style and in fact is needed in order to be thin and is never anything to feel guilty about.  Rest allows me to move faster, feel vibrant and alive and more likely to be safe and survive whatever comes my way.  My mother wasn't lazy, neither am I and neither was my father.  We all were exactly what we needed to be at the moment.  Laziness and rest are two separate things.  I'm not afraid of being lazy any more and don't need to keep myself constantly busy in order to be safe.  I don't need a big butt for an excuse to keep busy, I freely choose how active I am and the needed rest for my body, mind and soul.  IN FACT, it would be safer to be thin with a well-rested and rejuvenated healthy and ideal body.  A healthy and SAFE lifestyle includes rest in the moment (without guilt or a thought to what I "should" be doing).

d) Maybe all the attention will go to my head and I'll get a big ego or run off with one of those people blonde chicks run off with... rather than stay with guy who treats me well. ANYWAY...

• Hiding my true beauty is like trying to hide the light of GOD or the beauty of nature away from the rest of the world.  How disgusting is that?  There's nothing egotistic about knowing yourself especially when you realize the beauty in everyone and how we are all connected.  And as far as running away like a wild child with the wrong guy - I KNOW better.  I deserve someone who treats me well and I trust my true love is my husband.  The only temptation left is God.  My husband can live with that temptation AND I will be more apt to accept and appreciate his love if I am safe. ANYWAY... It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.

e) Every time someone comments on my weight loss, I feel ashamed of the reality of where I came from.

• I accept where I came from and the path I've taken to get where I am today.  I accept the mistakes I might make in the future, the falls and detours I might make along the way.  I live in the moment and in the now moment I have nothing to be ashamed of. IN fact, I would be less likely to be ashamed if I felt safe being who I am.  It would be safer to be thin and enjoy my ideal body and health.

2) Get thin or get eaten.

Did you "BEAR" with me?  On the opposite side of the spectrum from rest and forgiveness there is the other side to weight loss.  The first time I gained "weight" in my life was when I was 8 years old and there was an incredibly stressful situation in my family that caused turmoil.  I am not going to get into it because it is not my right to tell the story to the public but suffice to say somewhere in that experience my mind decided it would be safer to not be thin like my sister.  I can remember clearly a discussion at the dinner table where my father was saying how you have to put on your winter fat like a bear and of course it was a meal of steak and mashed potatoes which I wasn't remotely interested in eating at the time but to please the ol' man who made a game out of eating rather than yelling and throwing things as usual, I ate.  I think something in the brain turned on and said - this is safe. Put is all together and somewhere there I became someone I didn't need to be in order to be safe. 

Skip a few years later and in junior high I had an experience where I got picked on in junior high at softball.  I was so scared to get beat up the following season that I worked really hard all year to be so good that no one could claim I was playing because I was the coaches daughter.  GET THIN OR GET EATEN worked.  That was the last time I was in the shape of my life.  I wasn't necessarily healthy about it though.  Frankly, I was on the verge of eating disorder.  Barely ate, exercised excessively.  Turned out the girls I were afraid of weren't even there!  ANYWAY, point is the concept did work and my body got the signal and so did the brain, etc though in the future I know to be a little healthier and loving with my choices. 

So, how to apply the get thin or get eaten concept to my current situation?  I had fun in yoga last night.  I pretended like every time I was in the posture that I had to do that posture the best I could for the moment and hold it as long as I could so that the crocodiles, or sharks or even TERADACTYLS wouldn't get me.  The body doesn't know the difference between made-up threats and real ones so I went wild.  Oh, don't fall out of standing head to knee or the crocodile will get you!!!!  It was fun.  The rest periods in between (savasana) became "ah, I'm safe for now! but next time I need to be in better shape so ... "  You get the drift.

ANYWAY... I think that is my word.  You know my Eat Pray Love word for myself.  I use it all the time in my blogs and in daily life.  I used to think it was just an easy way to change the subject or sum it up but when I think about its deeper meaning... ANY ... WAY it really says a lot about me.  I want to be able to do things ANY way.  I want to go in multiple directions.  I don't want to be pinned down into one category.  I have multiple circles of friends and I like it that way.  I have lots of big ideas and dreams and don't mind and prefer to follow them all even if it means I don't SUCCEED.  When I order from a menu, I always want to personalize it in some way because I'd like for the menu to be ANY WAY I like it.  I want options open.  I am equally open to options.  I am ANY WAY I like it to be moment to moment.  There is more to me than I can even imagine and no limit.  I am ANY WAY.

:)

121/229: I'm a traitor so be it. :)

I went to another style of yoga tonight.  It felt good to stretch.  It felt good to take a yoga class that wasn't about contraction of the muscles the entire time.  My husband even went and practiced next to me.  It's so nice to do something together other than watch movies and eat and ya know... Anyway, well we both slept like little babies last night after our lovely gentle yoga class together.  So there.  I'd rather cheat on bikram yoga than my husband.

I'm exploring balance.  Off to Bikram today followed by cleaning.  Boring blog but in the books.